Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Having trouble breathing over seeing my mum

(10 Posts)
MarvinGorilla Fri 17-Jun-16 14:13:57

My throat has been tight all day and I feel light headed with thoughts swirling uncontrollably around my mind. Please help.

I started therapy this week re my childhood (occasional violence by stepdad with daily emotional abuse, unprotected by mother) and my complicated feelings about my mum as a result. Aside from the abuse, which is hard enough to swallow, I can't figure my mum out- she has never been there for me or taken responsibility as a mum (men always come first) but then at other times she can be super nice and texting me every day asking how I am. It's a real headfuck for me and very upsetting. I find being around her often v stressful. My therapist is starting EMDR with me and everything is so raw at the moment. I don't want to cause a big ruckus by snubbing my mum but I don't want to do the whole let's have a jolly day out thing either.

I feel like I'm in a total state coping with it and I'm meant to be seeing her all day tomorrow. Help please.

I feel suffocated by these feelings. All three parental figures in my life have screwed me up, messed with my head and left me in a state. I wish I could fly away and just be free, allow myself to be me without their judgement and criticism.

Please talk to me, I feel like I'm
Going mad.

Chillyegg Fri 17-Jun-16 14:15:15

Hand hold from me flowers

doceodocere Fri 17-Jun-16 14:20:34

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you need to cancel tomorrow, you can, it's ok. Use an excuse if you don't want to get into a discussion.

You're in a very vulnerable place and protecting yourself needs to be your main priority.

flowers

thestamp Fri 17-Jun-16 14:53:05

Been there.

Make an excuse of illness and don't see her. Just take it hour to hour. You've got to take care of yourself.

thedogdaysareover Fri 17-Jun-16 14:53:50

Bail out of tomorrow if you're feeling this way. It's ok. I had the same feelings about my moum. flowers

thedogdaysareover Fri 17-Jun-16 14:58:05

Mum, even.

Have a look in the Stately Homes thread, it is a place for people with difficult parents. You have just started therapy, no wonder you are feeling vulnerable.

Kr1stina Fri 17-Jun-16 14:59:07

The best illness excuse is a D and V bug. If you say you are tired or have a headache, she may try to talk you round .

No one wants you anywhere near when you have a sickness bug .

In the medium term , you will need to work out another strategy for saying no to her. As your therapy goes on, you may need to have more space to work things through.

youshouldcancelthecheque Fri 17-Jun-16 15:12:33

I agree with everyone else on here, back out of tomorrow, blame illness. When/if you approach your Mum about childhood you will want to do it when you are ready.

I had counselling and how my Mum treated me came out, it made seeing her very difficult for a time and I avoided visiting for a bit, keep going with your counselling, will be worth it in long term.

MarvinGorilla Fri 17-Jun-16 16:11:36

Crazy thing is that when I say I won't see her I feel terrible. I always put everyone else's feelings ahead of my own

thedogdaysareover Fri 17-Jun-16 16:39:05

Everything you're describing is an entirely normal reaction to abuse. This is Fear, Guilt, Obligation (FOG, google it), it is a trap that you have been caught in. You should never feel obliged to go into any situation because you are afraid not to. Just this one day put yourself first. It is necessary. People like your mum feed on your guilt to keep getting away with murder. If you are unsure about a situation, listen to your body. In this case you can't breathe. It is fine to stay home, you are an adult. Nobody will die if you do.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now