Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

really dont know what to do

(12 Posts)
Char22thom Fri 17-Jun-16 10:21:20

DH has text me this morning to say that we need to sit down and talk tonight 😞 my mind is racing about what this could be, although deep down I feel he is going to say he's not happy in our marriage. The truth is I'm not either, I love him with all my heart, we are great for each other and share lots of interests etc. We met 5yrs ago and he had had a vasectomy 8yrs prior. From the start, I was clear I wanted chn and he said he was always open to a vasectomy reversal. We saw a Dr 4yrs ago, a month before we married and discussed it then. After we got married the next month we discussed it again and he admitted he wasn't comfortable having the reversal done as he was worried about it all. We discussed other options and decided that we would adopt at some point down the line. We are now in a situation where we don't have any money and adoption feels like it will never happen. I'm am really sad about this, and since my 34th birthday a month ago have been thinking about this constantly 😞 I don't know what to do, just worrying and stressing and crying, plus its my day off today so I'm sat here alone 😣

MyKingdomForBrie Fri 17-Jun-16 10:34:05

Are you not happy with him or just with the situation as regards DC? I do think it was unfair of him to say he wanted DC before the wedding and then wait til afterwards to say he had changed his mind - would you have married him anyway though?

I would certainly consider whether he or DC are more important to you, it might be a consideration if there is a possibility of splitting up - it may not be too late to find someone else who wants the same as you.

Char22thom Fri 17-Jun-16 10:56:52

I'm really happy with him, we have great time together and get on so well. I guess it just feels like something is missing, we are kind of floating along and struggling financially doesn't help as each month it just feels like we have no spare money for our savings pot that we need to start adoption which makes me frustrated

MrsBertBibby Fri 17-Jun-16 11:15:03

I don't see how you can think sensibly when you don't know what he wnts to talk about. Get outside, take a walk in the park, do some breathing, and get your mind off the hamster wheel.

Char22thom Fri 17-Jun-16 11:27:20

He wants to talk about our relationship as he feels we're not going anywhere 😣 I feel the same but scared of admitting it to him, and I think part of our issue is how I feel about having a family x

HarmlessChap Fri 17-Jun-16 11:55:27

If you want to make your relationship better there would have to be a willingness to talk, so rather than looking at this with dread maybe you should consider that this might be the start of a process of resolving the problems.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 17-Jun-16 12:12:12

You have described the biggest issue playing on your mind, is this the only thing you consider a problem? As advised above you can't really predict what he is going to talk about.

Communication is the key, it's not necessarily negative if he thinks there's a problem. It's how he raises this, and whether you can work together on it.

Hope it's not a negative outcome tonight but it would be good if you have RL support like close family or a friend to talk to, should you need them.

Char22thom Fri 17-Jun-16 12:26:10

Thanks for your replies, I appreciate the support. It us clear we are struggling at the moment, and certainly for me that is the one main issue, but we also dont have enough sex for him so I know this is something from his point of view, I suspect the 2 issues are related imo x

ImperialBlether Fri 17-Jun-16 12:30:00

It's a bit unfair that he's given you all day to worry about this.

If you do want children, it looks as though it would have to be with someone else. How important is that to you?

Can I ask why you're both so broke? Are you both working full time?

Char22thom Fri 17-Jun-16 12:39:34

Yeah we both work full time, but only earn about £2200 between us, and outgoings are about £1600 a month, so struggling to put money away. I feel its unfair too, and have told him that too! I sway between feeling that I want chn more then change my mind back because all other aspects are great and we love each other more than anyone in other relationships x

LovePGtipsMonkey Fri 17-Jun-16 12:51:40

bear in mind, Op, that there ar no guarantees that you stay together or his feelings won't change (or yours) long term - as much you love each other now it's not cast in stone. Think if you are willing to give up having DC without a guarantee that your r-ship will last a life time. If you split up you have a chance meeting someone else you aer happy with - or having children on your own, you have to weigh up all your options. See also what he says, of course!

Fishface77 Fri 17-Jun-16 19:58:10

So he lied to you then op?
That ha have a vasectomy reversal but never really had any intention of having one?
Are children a deal breaker? If so move on. Easier said than done I know.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now