Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Bad Sex

(112 Posts)
StyleItOut Fri 17-Jun-16 08:42:34

I would really welcome some advice.

I've been with DH for 15 years and we had a good sex life to begin with but it's been going downhill for a long time. My DH often initiates sex in the middle of the night and while I used to enjoy these sleepy sessions when the kids were babies as it was an easy way to reconnect, over the past couple of years they've morphed so the sex is now him doing it to me. He'll cuddle up to my in spoons and with no foreplay have sex with me until he cums. He might touch my boobs, but otherwise he doesn't kiss, touch or speak to me until he's finished when he turns over and goes to sleep. I generally wont have moved at all. It's shit. I don't feel part of it at all, there's absolutely no concern for my pleasure or whether I'm ready.

I don't know why I don't stop him if I don't want it but it almost feels easier to let him get on with it. There was a particularly bad time last year when I woke up to him having sex with me and I felt like I was being raped but again I didn't stop it. I told him afterwards it didn't feel consensual and he was devastated. It didn't happen again for months and he was very careful about getting consent for middle of the night sex until last night when he had sex with me, although I was awake.

This is particularly frustrating as we have an agreement that for the time being I will be the only one to initiate sex as we had a big talk around 6 weeks ago about how although I loved him and that we get on great day to day, I didn't feel sexually attracted to him. He often asked for sex so one of the things we were trying was for me to be in control of initiation so I didn't feel pressured or pestered and it was working.

This morning he asked if he's in trouble and I said I didn't know, that I wasn't sure that I wanted the sex we had last night. We couldn't talk as the kids were around. I find it really hard to handle - like the middle of the night selfish sex guy is completely separate from the daytime guy. This is beginning to impact on how I feel about him generally and sexually. After the event last night I was determined to sort it out but it comes to the day and he's great and I don't want to hurt him.

This comes with the usual statement that daytime him is a hands on dad, does his fair share of chores and childcare, is a feminist, etc etc.

Outside of our middle of the night sex, sex generally isn't amazing and I mainly do it for him. I know great sex and I know what I am missing.

Any advice?

MrsBertBibby Fri 17-Jun-16 08:50:16

A man who rapes you in the night (and it is rape if he knows you didn't consent, "in trouble" ffs) isn't a feminist in the day. He's just a man who rapes you.

I don't imagine this is fixable, but I suppose you could see a relationship counsellor if you want to try.

ivykaty44 Fri 17-Jun-16 08:51:26

Spell it out to him that not consenting to sex is rape
Ask him if he would be destroyed by living with a rapist

You have to think about whether you want to continue living like this...

bluecashmere Fri 17-Jun-16 09:03:44

This really isn't acceptable. Where is the respect for you? How can there be trust? He's using your body with no thought for you. You have every right to feel violated. If you think you can accept his actions then relationship counselling sounds like the best idea but he has to understand it's basically rape and there are no excuses.

StyleItOut Fri 17-Jun-16 09:11:46

I suppose because I find it very difficult to have the conversation that I need to be having perhaps sex therapy (alone or separate?) at Relate might help. Or relationship counselling?

I want to have good sex I just don't know to get us back there and if I have any desire for him any more. I wonder if we could manage a no sex marriage. But then I feel sad that I'm shutting that side of me down.

We have two kids, he'd want 50/50 and anything else would be unfair to him and them. I don't know if i could handle it.

feesh Fri 17-Jun-16 09:21:48

It's not bad sex, it's rape. How can you have good sex with a man that has no respect for you or your body?

Costacoffeeplease Fri 17-Jun-16 09:30:51

It's rape - he knows it - you asked him not to do it, and he still did it. Does he realise you could go to the police and have him arrested? I doubt a judge would give 50/50 residency to a rapist

Thisisnow16 Fri 17-Jun-16 09:37:20

How would OP prove it in the 50 50 case?

StyleItOut Fri 17-Jun-16 09:38:55

I wouldn't want to prove it, if we split I would agree to 50/50 share custody.

It's really hard to see it written down that other people think he's a rapist.

category12 Fri 17-Jun-16 09:40:15

I would have him sleep on the sofa. At the very least.

Of course you have no desire for him - he uses your body like a masturbatory aid and has no interest in your pleasure or feelings.

Since he isn't sticking to your agreement about initiation and rapes you when you're asleep, I don't think you have much to talk about. He needs to do more than pay lip service to your bodily autonomy. He should get help. He should be devastated and going to therapy. But no, he's thinks he might be "in trouble" like a naughty school boy. confused

feesh Fri 17-Jun-16 09:40:21

'This morning he asked if he's in trouble' - Yeah he knows it. He knows he's crossed the line and he was shitting himself. But as soon as Style sweeps it under the carpet again, he will think he's got permission to do it again....and again.

feesh Fri 17-Jun-16 09:42:20

My parents had a shit marriage. Nothing as bad as this, but it was always clear that there was something 'wrong' with their marriage under the surface. I still don't know what, I don't want to know. But I do know that it deeply affected me growing up and I've had loads of counselling as an adult to try and deal with it.

So I would say to anyone in a damaged marriage to get out. Don't stay in it for the kids.

Costacoffeeplease Fri 17-Jun-16 09:44:26

Yes, he does think he has permission to do this, if there haven't been any consequences for his revolting behaviour

ravenmum Fri 17-Jun-16 09:45:23

I found out my STBX husband had been complaining to others that I didn't really like sex much (as part of his OW publicity campaign). This after many months of me thinking sex was no fun any more. In the end I needed lube to get any pleasure out of it. I thought I was - ahem - "drying up" as I got older.

Now I have another partner and surprise - no need for lube. He's attentive, shows how much he fancies me, wants to spend time with me, talking, during the day and everything.

With my husband, to get in the mood, I'd stroke him, get him turned on, imagine sexy scenarios in my head. This would generally be at night when he finally came to bed after an evening spent ignoring me. He'd lie back and enjoy it, then we'd have sex and I'd hope I was turned on by then. It didn't work. It wasn't my fault. He had turned into a shit lover. Of course I didn't feel turned on by him. Of course you don't feel turned on by him. Why would you? Listen to your body.

TheseLittleEarthquakes Fri 17-Jun-16 09:51:48

My ex husband used to do this. Note the 'ex'. It shows a complete lack of respect for your body, and yes it is rape.

HahahahaFuckYou Fri 17-Jun-16 09:53:58

He's a feminist? Hahahhahaha of course he is.

OliviaBenson Fri 17-Jun-16 10:05:28

Him asking you this morning if he was in trouble indicates that he knows full well what he was doing and that you wouldn't like it.

What a horrible man. It would destroy any feelings I had for him, if it were me.

BolshierAryaStark Fri 17-Jun-16 12:49:38

He asked if he was in trouble? Ffs, that right there tells you all you need to know. You've spoke about this & yet he continues getting his rocks off whilst not giving a shit about you, yeah sure he's a great dad & a feminist hmm

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 17-Jun-16 13:00:30

Personally, I would wait until the children are asleep, then fix him with a steely gaze and say
"You've had a day to think about what you did last night. What have you got to say for yourself?"

Minimise and deflect blame onto you. Game over.
Apologise, suggest counselling or similar. Hopeful.

He should understand there is now no more middle of the night sex. Ever. He has tainted it permanently.

ImperialBlether Fri 17-Jun-16 13:10:11

But if he's raping you at night (and him asking if he's in trouble shows he knows it wasn't consensual) then of course you won't want sex with him in the daytime.

Personally I wouldn't be agreeing 50-50 care with this man at all. I'd be reporting him to the police instead.

LadyReuleaux Fri 17-Jun-16 13:23:13

I understand how hard it is when someone has a "lovely" side and can be nice, and then they do things that are unacceptable and minimise them. It messes with your head and it can take a long time to confront it, because then you feel like you are being mean to "Mr Nice". Been there, done that.

But yes, this is rape. You've told him not to do it, you've made clear how you feel about it, but he wanted sex so he decided to just go ahead anyway. He doesn't give two shits about your consent, all he cares about is getting the sex he wants.

For me this would mean I couldn't ever want sex with him and I'd have to end the relationship. I know that's a big leap for you but for starters you could insist he doesn't share a bed with you. He did rape you, he needs to be told that clearly and he needs to acknowledge that the very least he can do is let you have privacy at night so you feel safe.

I think men who consider themselves feminist and modern can be the worst. They don't want to see that any sexism is there, and they rely on being Mr Nice to cover up and deny the ingrained sexism they still have.

adora1 Fri 17-Jun-16 14:10:08

Shocked! He is using you like a piece of meat OP and any man who enjoys having sex with a person who is not even moving in my book is the creepiest of the lot, yes he knows exactly what he is doing and sadly you are giving him it out of some misplaced loyalty.

You don't want to hurt him but it's ok for him to use your body without a concern for your pleasure at all, this is not having an intimate relationship, you might as well be a blow up doll. Highly disrespectful and verging on rape yes.

In fact he's raped you in the past.

Get real OP, there's no such thing as bad sex, there is however selfish twats out there who think they are entitled to take.

I feel sick reading your post.

StyleItOut Fri 17-Jun-16 14:41:48

I'm mentally swinging between agreeing with you all and thinking my marriage is over and thinking I'm making a big deal out of something pretty minor.

I know he'll ask me why I didn't tell him to stop and I don't know the answer.

Anicechocolatecake Fri 17-Jun-16 14:50:27

Well lots of people freeze from shock at this sort of thing. Your reaction was perfectly normal.

I'm so sorry he raped you. You deserve so much more. I simply cannot imagine how someone can get pleasure out of using someone's body in this way, when they aren't co-operating or indicating pleasure or anything. I can't imagine it being sexy or pleasurable. You're simply a vagina to him in that moment. A lump of meat.

Costacoffeeplease Fri 17-Jun-16 14:52:42

It's not pretty minor, it's bloody disgusting

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now