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Long distance - long term. Can it work?

(9 Posts)
Littlefluffyclouds81 Fri 17-Jun-16 00:56:21

I've been with my bf for 7 months. He is great, we are really well matched and for the first time in my life I have a genuine 'he's the one' feeling, which I didn't think was a real thing.

Problem is, he lives 3 hours away. We only see each other every 3 weeks, because he has his dd the other 2 weekends. He can't come down here because his dd has a swimming lesson that he had to wait ages to get her into, every Saturday during term time. I can't go and see him those weekends because my youngest dd is bloody hectic and he lives in a flat with laminate floors. He is going to do up his flat in the summer and put carpet down, so we could go and see him one of those 2 weekends after that.

There is no way either of us are going to be able to move in even the remotely near future.

Reasons he can't move: firstly, his dd (who is 6). He has her half of the time and hates being away from her the other half, so he wouldn't see her any less than that. Secondly, his job. He works in quite a specialised area so getting another job would not be easy, and there's quite a lot of stuff career-wise he'd have to do before that would be a possibility.

Reasons I can't move: I had to move around a lot (10 houses in 10 years), and we are finally settled in a HA house in a lovely area with excellent schools. My eldest dd (12) was recently diagnosed with aspergers, and this time last year she was refusing to go to school at all. She started at a really excellent secondary in September with small classes, and she has made friends and really flourished there. I wouldn't put her through another move until she has finished school as she wouldn't cope with it. She also sees her dad every other weekend, and has a good relationship with him. He already lives 1.5 hours away (in the other direction to where bf lives). I really owe it to her to stay put until she has finished her education.

In theory I could move when dd1 goes to uni, or whatever, but then dd2 will only be 12, and bf lives in London. I'm not sure how I would ever afford London, and also feel it would be unfair to take the opportunity of going to the excellent secondary school nearby from dd2, and send her to a city comp where she doesn't know anyone. Also, I really don't want to ever live in London! I don't think it's the best place for kids to be, and dd2 has a pony and loves anything outdoorsy, I don't think she'd like the city. I have limited family support but the support I do have is nearby.

Bf loves where we live and doesn't want to stay in London forever, but realistically he won't move for around 10 years at least, so even though everything is so right with him apart from the distance, can this work for so long, so far apart?

Montane50 Fri 17-Jun-16 01:02:46

So have i got this right -the reason you can't see him more at the moment is due to having laminate flooring?......Alrighty confused

HarrysMummy17 Fri 17-Jun-16 01:05:07

My partner and I met on holiday 13 years ago. We lived 300 miles apart. I spent a summer living with him after we'd been together a year.
I moved home after the summer when my new job started.
I then moved back in with him after 8 years of long distance but again moved back home after a year due to work.
I then fell pregnant in 2013 so moved back in with him and 2 children later were still living together!

We did the long distance thing for such a long time it became the norm. We saw each other roughly every 3 months. It worked for us, maybe because we were young and had busy lives with demanding job.
We never really fell out or argues as we didn't live in each other pockets and when we did see each other we made the most of it!

Littlefluffyclouds81 Fri 17-Jun-16 01:10:33

Montane - yes that's basically it. My dd2 literally can't do 'being quiet', though in fairness having always lived in a house, she's never had to. It does piss me off though, I know it's not great for the neighbours but if we go out during the day with the kids it's maybe 2-3 hours a day that it might be a problem for the neighbours, and not when it's late at night or anything. Still, the carpets are happening soon so that won't be an issue anymore.

Littlefluffyclouds81 Fri 17-Jun-16 01:12:35

That's reassuring, harrysmummy! There are lots of benefits to a long term relationship, I like having my own space, and we are both very busy. But it's also quite frustrating when i have those moments of really wanting to see him and knowing I won't for another 2 weeks.

kittyjewel Fri 17-Jun-16 01:31:40

Hey, I'm new on mums net so saw this post & wanted to reply! smileIt can work! If you both stay dedicated & strong. I met my now serious boyfriend in Cyprus (He's in Forces) I then returned back to the UK and we kept the relationship going for a year until he returned back to UK for good. So that was a different country! We now have just bought our first house together! Been together 2 n half years now. Anyway, I wouldn't moan so much about not seeing him often, as tbh they do your head in after a while, so when you do get to see him it will be exciting and will give you something to look forward to! I really enjoy being in the house on my own, and look forward to seeing him at weekends. We have a weekend relationship because of his job n we are strong as anything. Hope this helps! grin

Littlefluffyclouds81 Fri 17-Jun-16 01:51:05

If I thought we would be living together in a year that would be different. It's the not knowing if or when that can ever happen that's difficult. He's also not great at talking on the phone, we talk maybe 2/3 times a week, and just whatsapp the rest of the time. I feel quite detached from him a lot of the time, I guess because I am! Then I see him and it's always great, he really is lovely. I think I'm questioning it all at the moment because I lost a friend last week and it's made me realise how short life is. I'm not getting any younger, and he's 11 years older than me.

TheNaze73 Fri 17-Jun-16 08:09:02

My ex, who I eventually married, lived in another European capital & we maintained it, without any problems as we both were committed to the relationship. So yes, it can work.

kittyjewel Fri 17-Jun-16 09:00:52

Sorry to hear of your loss. Life is short your right. I think you need to stop looking into it so much, and let what will happen, happen. The relationship will go with the flow. Enjoy it instead of panicking. And it's a coincidence that you say he's 11 years older than you...as I'm 11 years older than my boyfriend.. But that's the cougar in me...grin!!

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