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Mother in Law problems

(13 Posts)
Spacebound Thu 16-Jun-16 11:13:07

Hi everyone,

Just looking for a bit of advice please, I'm sure I'm not the first person to have problems with my MIL, please believe me when I say she really is a nasty person, Iv never met anyone like her before. My husband and his 2 sisters really dislike her my husband has all but washed his hands of her. Last night we were out for a drink for my FIL's 60th bday, it was my 30th last week and my husband has been working overtime since Jan so he could buy me something special. He bought me a very expensive handbag and shoes. My MIL asked to see pics last night and she said they were really nice, I then find out from his sister later on that she has been saying to other family members that she doesn't understand why he feels the need to spend all that money and that we can't afford it. I couldn't believe she would say that I feel so hurt and angry, how dare she make assumptions like that when she doesn't know the first thing about our life. We are going out for a meal on Sunday and I really want to bring it up with her, what do you think? I just feel like she has been getting away with so much rubbish for so long and everybody just lets her off with it, she has been having an affair for about the past 15 years, everybody knows except her husband. Am I in the wrong to pull her up on her comments about us? Thanks

RedMapleLeaf Thu 16-Jun-16 11:18:24

My MIL asked to see pics last night and she said they were really nice, I then find out from his sister later on that she has been saying to other family members that she doesn't understand why he feels the need to spend all that money and that we can't afford it. I couldn't believe she would say that I feel so hurt and angry, how dare she make assumptions like that when she doesn't know the first thing about our life.

Really? Based on this I don't think she's done anything unusual or particularly wrong.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 16-Jun-16 11:21:25

Let it go.
It's really not worth it?
Stop rising to the bait.
This one example doesn't sound too bad to me either.
Let her say things.
So what?
You know and you shouldn't really give a rats arse what this woman says or thinks.
Just get on with your lives with as little contact as possible.

mouldycheesefan Thu 16-Jun-16 11:26:47

If you all dislike her then stop telling her things about yourself- I wouldn't have shown her photos of the presents or told her that they were expensive etc. She can only criticise if you give her the info to do so.
" what did dh get you for your birthday"
"Some bits and pieces. Now today is about fil, (change subject)"
I guess you have to go to the lunch as its Father's Day. Don't sit by mil. Minimise contact with her ongoing. If you want to spend time with fil does he have any hobby you can join in with that wouldn't interest mil? Golf, birdwatching, stamp collecting, classic cars etc.
Good luck

RedMapleLeaf Thu 16-Jun-16 11:27:49

She's polite and makes nice comments about something she doesn't herself understand.

She gossips about it in private to her close family. Most people do that at some point, especially about in-laws.

Your sister-in-law stirs it.

mouldycheesefan Thu 16-Jun-16 11:27:54

Or speak to her 1-1 and say, I know about your tawdry affair, lay off us or I will make it common knowledge.

coco1810 Thu 16-Jun-16 11:33:00

Wear your lovely shoes and handbag with pride to this event. Your DH worked very hard to treat you. Ignore your mil, have a lovely time instead. Best revenge is to have a better life.

LesisMiserable Thu 16-Jun-16 11:47:17

When you get married you inherit that family (and they you) it is what it is. Don't show her stuff that will provoke a comment. Don't give her fuel. She may feel the same way about you as you feel about her but you both love her son so just let the small stuff go, really not worth it.

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 16-Jun-16 12:14:40

I think you can only pull her up on behaviour that you are there to witness, as and when it happens.

Having a go at her for something that somebody else reported to you is pointless. You weren't there. This is just an alleged incident. It was between her and SIL, not you.

If and when she makes digs at you, then call her out on it. (''I think that's a hurtful thing to say, MIL.") But imo you should let this particular incident slide - SIL could just be shit-stirring, for all you know.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 16-Jun-16 12:17:34

A rotten mean person has been saying rotten mean things about you to people who know she is a rotten mean person and who know you are nice

The best thing you can do is absolutely nothing.

I don't see why you and DH are going put for a meal with her though. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 16-Jun-16 12:26:27

Cancel the meal on Sunday with MIL and FIL. Do not reward bad behaviour from any relations.

It is of no surprise to me at all that your own H has washed his hands of her, you need to do the same. Presumably you have come from a nice emotionally healthy family as well if you have at all put up with her. People like your MIL are not nice and will never play nice or by any rules governing familial relations.

No do not bring this up with her; it will all go horribly wrong and horribly quickly. You cannot have any sort of reasoned conversation with someone like his mother so do not even try. You will come off far worse from any such encounter.

I would also not let your FIL off the hook either because he has also enabled her excesses of behaviour (as have her whole family) and will likely back her up as well.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward to further understand the power and control dynamics that are rife within your H's family of origin.

WiMoChi Thu 16-Jun-16 14:10:41

FIL needs to know about affair. Imagine WHEN it comes out (because it always does) and he finds out you all knew?! Poor chap.

In the meantime, I'd go low contact. Stop the info train and try some bean dipping.

On anther note, how did you find out she'd said about what you spend your money on? Whoever told you shouldn't have and are as bad as your MIL IMO.

Yes, I wouldn't go for another meal until this woman learns some basic manners and until your husband has established firm boundaries with her.

bert3400 Thu 16-Jun-16 14:27:15

I would keep quiet . What are you going to gain from bringing it up . I am very lucky as I get on great with my In laws ...but sometimes they drive me fucking nuts , but I let it go . My best friend as fallen out with all her in laws & own family because she let's little remarks escalate into massive rows . Deep breaths and move on to neutral topics .

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