As in title really - I have no idea how to do this. I'm in my late 50's, and have 3 kids. I've never lived on my own, went straight from living with parents to marriage at 16. I had what I now see was an abusive childhood, no violence or obvious outward neglect, but my feelings were always discounted/wrong/ridiculed. I was emotionally neglected (no memories of ever being hugged, told I was loved or wanted by my parents. siblings needs were always more important than mine and had to come first - there's more, but that's just to give you the general idea. I was also sexually abused by my grandfather from aged 9 to 12 (he lived a distance away and the abuse only happened when he visited us, visits stopped when I was 12). I never told my parents about this when I was a child and won't now because their response would be to ask why I'm trying to upset them as he has been dead a long time.
My kids are all grown up, 2 left home and youngest still living here but independant. DH is kind in lots of ways - but is unemotional and sits on the fence if needed to step up (had a lot of in law problems over the years and he always tried to "see both points of view" and "not cause a row" )
Anyway (finally getting to the point) I'm starting to realise that I live, have always lived for everyone else IYSWIM. My happiness has been tied up in my DC's and still is. An extreme example - they all always come home for Christmas and we have 10 days of shutting out the world, and loving being together just like when they were kids. They love this and so do I, difference is they live a full life in between but I spend those in between times planning for, and waiting for it to happen. I don't want to bore you with lots of examples but they would all be similar.
Everything I do is aimed at how things will be when DH, DC's are home. We don't have joint friends really just one couple that we see at Christmas (complicated issue as I can see why we don't but it's too late to put that right). I'm not good at making friends alone as I feel boring/unworthy/unlikeable/not good enough.
I do have hobbies, I do several crafts, but they only seem worthwhile if I'm making something for someone else or I have someone to show my finished work to. Otherwise it all seems pointless.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and realise I need to start living a life where what I think is what matters to me, but after a lifetime of invisibility and not being good enough or as important as others, I have no idea how to do this. I have to get rid of the voice in my head that continually shouts "it's not worth it just for me".
For background, I don't work due to health issues, but when I did I always felt the odd one out in the office, was never able to feel part of things. I often feel I am responsible for everything that goes wrong (even global warming feels like it's due to some lack in me). When my siblings argue (and they do this a lot) even when I am in no way involved I feel that I'm going to be blamed for it someway or another and that I should fix it.
I am full of unresolved issues where I feel I've never been heard, never stood up for myself. This makes me angry and appear outwardly like a grouch who is nit picking at small things that happen day to day.
My default position is to expect people not to like me. I'm not good at conversation, the best I can do is to tell anecdotal takes from my life past and present, which are mainly not interesting. I have no idea how to talk to people about current events without seeming either aggressive or overbearing. I think this is because I'm unsure about whether the way I see things is right (I usually feel wrong) and am over anxious.
Inside I am still the child who was never picked for teams at school, always laughed at because I didn't have the right clothes or money to join in anything, who never learned how society works (there was never conversation in my home or a chance to practice being a person if that makes any sense?)
I would so love to feel free, to feel normal, to be able to not care if I am validated by others and to believe that if I like something that is good enough!
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How Do I start Living for Myself?
LonelyLost · 16/06/2016 08:15
Pretty much everyone I see in the clinic is like you in their 40's/50's - they've given over their life and time to family/dh's and stopped thinking or putting themselves first.
When you put everyone's needs before yours it starts a cycle of thinking you're not good enough/not worthy/boring/dull/grumpy.
There's fuck all wrong with you. You are an interesting person in your own right. I read every word of your post. You're insightful, deprecating (too much) loving to your family. You are interested in the same things I'm interested in like crafts and politics.
YOU are interesting 
You are likely introverted, or you've spent so long not being extroverted that you've lost how to do it. You're clearly reasonably happy in your own company but also recognise you need a bit more contact with the outside world.
Make a list of everything you want to do - join a craft group/visit somewhere/sky dive - I've no idea what your list might contain.
Then start to do it. Yes, you might need to practise social contact. You could consider therapy ( just a few sessions) to help resolve some of your issues.
Self esteem is often boosted by doing. Find a political cause that interests you and do
something for that ? or maybe Home Start, help someone who is struggling with family life and do a few hours a week. Remember, you're good at family life - you've successfully raised a happy family of independent children! That's the goal.
Therapy will help you reflect on your impact on others, get a therapist who is good at feeding back how you interact.
Good luck 
Bacp.co.uk - click find a therapist
And shop around, find one you like and you think is supportive - there's likely to be dozens in your local area
Cost depends on where you are in the country - £25-£over a 100
LonelyLost
I can relate to so much in your post. I had an abusive childhood too - I know very well that feeling of thinking everyone else's needs, wants, and opinions were far more important than mine. That it was my role in life to make people happy. Never being able to stand up for myself. Feeling like a bit of a waste of space, if I'm honest. Feeling like the outsider looking in in most situations.
I managed to cover it up with bluster for a very, very long time until I had a huge depression about ten years ago and looked for help.
I'm writing all this because I had some CBT sessions, and saw a couple of "life coaches". Maybe I was just unlucky, but I found the experiences worse than useless. FOr many people it may be fine having "just a few" sessions, and looking at your thought patterns, and behaviours, but for people like us the problems are so deep-rooted and fundamental that it takes an awful lot more than that. But please believe me when I say it's worth it. Really life-changing.
I found with the life coaches and one CBT counsellor I felt like an utter failure. I couldn't just turn my life around by writing lists, or setting goals, or changing my daily routine, so I thought I must be some sort of hopeless case. I wasn't - I just needed a different sort of help.
What really did it for me was finding forums for other people like us to share experiences. Once you tap into that you will realise you are most certainly not alone. And that's really empowering and comforting. There are also some fabulous therapists out there who won't shy away from childhood issues, and will slowly and compassionately work with you. Definitely line up as many as you feel you need and pick the right one. This is so important, and for people like us who may have issues with people pleasing, it can be tricky to tell a pushy therapist that they're not the right one for us! But you have to, and you'll feel great for doing that! I chose at least one bad one, and felt dreadful. Like my upbringing wasn't such a big deal, I should shrug it off. Just no.
There's also an excellent book called (I think) Running on Empty by a psychologist called Jonice Webb. It looks very specifically at the legacy of emotional neglect in childhood. I guarantee you'll recognise so much of yourself there - I actually found it quite overwhelming.
It's a big deal, and it can feel so daunting tackling it, so I really agree with other posters who say you should make little day-to-day changes as well. Even something as simple as speaking your mind, or sticking up for yourself in a situation where you would have previously just kept quiet. Or doing little things for yourself - like getting together with other people who share your passion for crafts.
It's brilliant you're reaching out for support. You'll get there, you really will. Just little steps, putting yourself first for once, and remembering that you matter. A lot.
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