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cant leave dont want to stsy

(32 Posts)
Cantleavecantstay Wed 15-Jun-16 19:12:55

Dh is from a poverty part of Asia * dont know how relevant that it is* he never had nice things or toys etc growing up and most of the toys the dc have (3 dc) are from dc 1 before dh got his visa.
They get the odd toy on birthdays and a toy on Christmas from my mum.

He wont let me spend any money on the kids that is unnecessary 😕 younger 2 arent allowed new clothes.

He is very controlling and argues about the ridiculous things like going out for a cuppawith my mum and sis.
Hes forever teasing the kids.
Makes me feel shit most of the time as he keeps nit picking little things.
Both of the eldest 2 dc beds have broke. He wont let me buy them a new one as we've managed to sort it out with a plank of wood. We used to sleep on a bed like that before we moved and I reminded him its not nice and hos reply was yes but we had 500stones in weight on our bed. I know im over weight but that takes the piss. I told him he can sleep on the couch while the kids sleep in our bed.
Went to the beach the other week and we couldn't find a parking space and he said if you say lets go beach on the weekend again just wait and see. Ruined the full trip

I cant leave as I have a disabled child who is in and out of hospital a lot and the other 2 can't go anywhere else so he has to look after them.
When we are not talking he doesnt do anything for the kids (currently not working due to dc situation 1 is really complicated the other has health problems and the 3rd is a baby).

just feel stuck. I deserve so much better.
Excuse the typos etc on phone

Sassypants82 Wed 15-Jun-16 19:45:56

Can you go to your mum or sis?? He sounds absolutely horrendous. Financially & emotionally abusive. Holding your hand op. X

ImperialBlether Wed 15-Jun-16 19:49:02

He sounds abusive and you need to protect the children by moving them and you out.

Do you have family you can go to?

Cantleavecantstay Wed 15-Jun-16 20:07:38

Mum has too much on her plate dealing with an ill sibling and dad has mental health problems. Kids enjoy jt there during the day hate the night there.
Sis has a child with complex health and is autistic as is my eldest and its just too much change for him.

Im a blogger and get paid to promote products and brands on social media and he complains that im always on my phone.Hes hardly ddownstairs ffs.

He hates spending money on things that he classes as luxuries like shoes for the kids (apparently they should wear each others old ones)

We have the money to go out right now and comeback with 2 beds with mattresses etc

Cantleavecantstay Wed 15-Jun-16 21:27:05

The last argument we had was because I bought the kids some toys. Yes they have 2 baskets full but new toys= new stimulation and new adventures and of course which child doesn't like new toys?
I bought the eldest first as dc had just had bloods taken and didnt complain or cry
Hes nearly 6 and I dont like buying one without buying the others so got them too.
He didn't talk to me for days then when he did he kept saying I was there ass (as in donkey) of an ass. That my brain doesnt work and that I dont understand

ive told him time and time again not to talk to me like this but he never listens

He raised his voice in front of the eldest which scared him. I calmly replied the dc are here lets chat later. But who listens to me

byjimminey Thu 16-Jun-16 02:43:30

Is it possible to get rid of him and you stay in the house? Do you need him financially? Or could you try to move somewhere?

Cantleavecantstay Thu 16-Jun-16 10:01:42

Dont need him at all financially.
Just need him to be with the other dc when im in hospital with the eldest. Thats the only thing that is stopping me from getting rid of him

FauxFox Thu 16-Jun-16 10:05:09

You can find a lovely babysitter for that.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 16-Jun-16 10:13:43

Contact Womens Aid as a first option.
Just chat it all through with them and see what they can suggest.
There will be local support services to help you with things like this.
They will know.
Give them a call as your first step towards freedom!

Cantleavecantstay Thu 16-Jun-16 11:03:16

For over night stays?

Its just kicked off again.
He wanted to see the bank balance on my phone and I said no. Its my bank why should I let him look. He knows when it kicks off I treat myself and the kids.
Hes now threatening to go back to his country. Im not stopping him. I just think hes being a selfish bastard.
He used to really help but when he kicks off he just acts as if the kids arent his he doesnt lift a finger to help

FauxFox Thu 16-Jun-16 11:50:18

I'm sure you could www.childcare.co.uk has loads of options including night nannies. It is really not worth all this for the sake of occasional childcare...i'm sure you can find a solution flowers

hellsbellsmelons Thu 16-Jun-16 11:50:20

threatening to go back to his country
Tell him you'll help him pack and book his flights for him.
He'll soon back down or more hopefully, LEAVE!!
Fingers crossed for him leaving.
Really push it.
Tell him to go.
You'll help etc......

Cantleavecantstay Thu 16-Jun-16 12:52:05

Hes been ringing around asking about tickets. He thinks he can leave for a few months and come back ive told him once you do leave dont come back. If he does go it will be really hard for my eldest who is autistic.

Cantleavecantstay Thu 16-Jun-16 16:05:07

I have tried the whole I will pack your bags,book ttickets etc and now hes saying he will go when he pleases.
Hes tried to make up by forcing me to sit next to him if I didn't he would not take me to go get eldest from school I normally go but as it was late due to him fucking around he takes me so we dont have to park up and then walk down.

He is threatening to flush everything new down the toilet wtf

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 16-Jun-16 16:24:28

Yes, you can get overnight childcare. Plenty of people are single parents and have to do things like take a child to hospital.

The easiest option is an au-pair. However, au-pair are typically young adults taking a year out to see the UK, so you couldn't have one while an abusive man lives in your house.

If you can afford it, get an Uber or a cab in today's situation. Don't rely on him for anything.

Cantleavecantstay Thu 16-Jun-16 22:28:04

He has tried to make up by cooking.
Not going to work.
Just packed myself, another company has sent me a list of products to pick 13 items from to review! That will keep me occupied!

He knows I want him gone now but ks being stubborn he thinks we can work this out which I know we cant.

I know this sounds a little stuck up but as a child my parents hardly told me no (I didnt ask for a lot as most things we got were treats for awards at school, birthdays, cChristmas etc) and no im being told no even though we have the money and can afford a few £££ on xyz

hotdiggedy Thu 16-Jun-16 23:12:41

You know his threats to go back to his country aren't real dont you? Why would he go back to being poverty stricken when he has someone looking after him in a fairly decent country? If he realises you dont actually want him there he will be worried that you are looking to kick him out and as he has nowhere else to go and no money he may well become aggressive and even more controlling. Be strong and look into au pairs/mothers help. He sounds like a total plank.

Oddsocksgalore Thu 16-Jun-16 23:21:03

Why on earth are you still there if yo only need him for occasional childcare??

If you don't need him financially then could you afford childcare when child has appointments?

wotoodoo Thu 16-Jun-16 23:38:32

Just buy new beds, if he is angry so what? If he threatens you call the police. I don't know why you bother letting him control you. You do what you like!

Cantleavecantstay Fri 17-Jun-16 13:04:00

Thank you hot.

As for why am I still here. Why should I leave with 3 dc? When it's him doing wrong?
Theres no way my autistic dc will cope in a new place without his dad its too much change for him.
Booking childcare etc for future appointments will do that.

He has been planning to go back to see his parents for a while now. Once he goes hes not getting back in. Will change the locks etc.
Going to look for beds once ive picked dc up from school.
Seen a bunk bed with a slide!!

hotdiggedy Fri 17-Jun-16 17:49:40

Do you think he will really go to visit them soon? What will you do if he doesn't go?

Cantleavecantstay Fri 17-Jun-16 21:09:25

I left. Currently at mums

FauxFox Sat 18-Jun-16 07:59:37

Good luck with everything cant I'm sure things will get better for you without this mean man flowers

hellsbellsmelons Sat 18-Jun-16 08:10:05

Some time and space away should help you.
I hope you get looked after at your mums.
Relax this weekend then work to get him gone next week.

azola Sat 18-Jun-16 08:31:31

Please don't go back to him OP! It will be really really tough to begin with but over time, when you've settled and got child care sorted, you'll be so so much happier! flowers

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