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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I think I'm right not to tell him but opinions please (may be triggering)

80 replies

LesisMiserable · 15/06/2016 18:54

In a relationship for around 18 months now all good. DP is younger than me by six years - I am mid 40's. So DP are the same, never wanted children (should point out I have one DD who's 14, he has none) . DP has always stated as well that he believed himself to be pretty much infertile. All the time we have been together neither of us have used any protection, me believing age was firmly against conceiving couple with him saying he didn't think he was able to conceive.

I'm late.

Told DP as he was aware my period had not showed up. Although he's never wanted or had children his first reaction was one of elation really, he said just through pure ego that it turns out his swimmers were capable after all! However as stated, neither of us has any desire for a child together. It did cross my mind for a moment a fear that now he knew he was able to, he might run off and leave me for a younger model who he could have kids with - of course he said this would never happen (seen one or two of those threads though haven't we....)

The dilemma is this, I am going next week to take the pill to end the pregnancy - I am no more than a two maybe three weeks into it. Should I tell him the specifics of this or just tell him I have come on spontaneously? It seems kinder to do the latter as pointing out the former might be a blow to him even though he doesn't want children i.e. the one time he has 'managed' it it's going to be stopped in it's tracks. I know he isn't sentimental about it on the surface but people can have funny reactions can't they?

So my gut reaction is to just tell him I have come on my period myself (and of course put contraception into play now) and not tell him I've actually gone ahead and terminated the pregnancy by pill. I just think that will save him any "what if" type thoughts that he may not have even thought he was capable of having. Not saying he would, but just in case.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

Report

purplefox · 15/06/2016 18:58

Would you be happy knowing you'd lied to him about something like this? And have to carry such a lie for the rest of your relationship?

LesisMiserable · 15/06/2016 19:00

I don't know. I feel like yes it's a lie by omission, but it's for the right reasons (or may be not?) That's why I want opinions.

OP posts:

Hotwaterbottle1 · 15/06/2016 19:01

I think you need to be honest with him. Can you Iive with lying about this forever? I know I couldn't.

MorrisZapp · 15/06/2016 19:04

I wouldn't tell to be honest. It's so early and he won't know the difference.

Are you worried that he won't support you in terminating?

LesisMiserable · 15/06/2016 19:04

If keep trying to put myself in his shoes. I just worry telling the truth will backfire. Insofar as he's always been adamant he doesn't want children but if I tell him I will always be the one who "got rid' of the only chance of it he had. IYSWIM. It makes me wonder if he's convinced himself he doesn't want them because he though he couldn't or he really genuinely doesn't want them. That's whats resting on it, for me.

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 15/06/2016 19:06

NO Morris he'll support me, I'm just worried he'll live to regret it, with his new found knowledge that he actually can conceive. That's why I think that just coming on would be an easier way to navigate it. I'm not sure.

OP posts:

BIWI · 15/06/2016 19:08

What do you want? Do you want this baby? You haven't actually said what you want, it's all about what you think he might want.

You've said that neither of you had a desire for a child, but how do you feel about that now?

I think you have to talk to him about it. It's a huge thing not to talk about, and if you decide to go ahead with the abortion (which is obviously something you are entirely entitled to do!), I think he still needs to know. It's still your body/your decision though.

Joysmum · 15/06/2016 19:11

Your version of backfiring is his chance to reassess his thoughts around children and support you.

If it 'backfires' in that he then decided he does want children, you'll find out sooner rather than later rather than it dragging on to his and your detriment.

Relationships are built on trust in each other.

AnyFucker · 15/06/2016 19:11

Your body/ your choice

But I would still tell him.

And if you think the knowledge his swimmers are working will make him go off and chase younger women you don't have much of a relationship, do you ? Nor do you have much respect for him because of that and the fact that you think it's OK to keep such an important fact from him in the first place

Loopy5000 · 15/06/2016 19:14

I personally am not good at lying or putting up with liars, I absolutely detest being lied to. The truth however difficult to take/deal with must be the right way to go. He may actually agree that its the best course of action... you never know. Also you might need a bit of support afterwards, it would be nice to have him on your side.

MorrisZapp · 15/06/2016 19:15

Sorry, I missed the bit about him thinking he's infertile. Why does he think this?

I had a termination and didn't tell the guy. I wasn't in a relationship with him but we were friends.

I dunno, I think it's very early and your own private business what you do.

PacificDogwod · 15/06/2016 19:15

Yy your body, your choice

Stupid question, but is the pregnancy confirmed?

The lying by omission is difficult: are you confident he'd never find out? If he did I would imagine that break of trust would be a deal breaker, would it not?

Continue the pregnancy or don't - that is your decision.
ButI think you'd need to be a very good liar to keep this deceit up. And deceitful it is. i can totally understand were you are coming from, but I detest confrontation too….

SweetieDrops · 15/06/2016 19:17

Have you actually had a positive pregnancy test? All you've said is you're late, at mid 40s could it possibly be the start of the menopause rather than pregnancy?

tribpot · 15/06/2016 19:19

yes it's a lie by omission, but it's for the right reasons (or may be not?)

Why would it be for the right reasons?

I agree that it's your body and your choice, but you also chose to tell him your period hadn't arrived. I think you owe him the truth now.

Monroe · 15/06/2016 19:19

Are you definitely pregnant? You say you are late but have you done a test and therefore he and you both know he isn't infertile?

Just because you cannot pretend your period has just started late, you will have to say it was a miscarriage if you choose to lie.

Also if a confirmed pregnancy you will need to discuss contraception for the future.

Personally I wouldn't lie about this however it is obviously your decision what you choose to do

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/06/2016 19:21

You would hide the fact that he can have children, in case he decides he does want to have children? That's really really cruel and scarily insecure.

BitchPeas · 15/06/2016 19:21

Are you actually 100% pregnant as in done the test and its positive?

I would tell him, I think it's unfair not to.

PacificDogwod · 15/06/2016 19:23

You would hide the fact that he can have children, in case he decides he does want to have children? That's really really cruel and scarily insecure.

I agree with that, actually.

PumpkinPies38 · 15/06/2016 19:23

It's your decision and sometimes it's easier to not have to have something you're certain about clouding your judgment. If you are 100% sure about it and think it could cause complications and unnecessary problems between you both I wouldn't tell him but also I wouldn't tell another living soul in RL (apart from obviously medical staff) as you will never feel at ease. If I have a secret I know would damage me or someone I know I do believe the only way to keep it a secret is to tell no one. Not my best friend, mum, brother.

Good luck.

BolshierAryaStark · 15/06/2016 19:24

I wouldn't tbh, I detest liars & truly believe that your partner should be the one person you can absolutely trust to tell the truth.

FinallyHere · 15/06/2016 19:24

I was entirely on the your body, your choice track til PP pointed out that if you are pregnant, you would need to discuss contraception in future. Hope you find what you want in all this. xx

lordStrange · 15/06/2016 19:25

Why is everyone assuming OP hasn't tested?

It's perfectly feasible to be pregnant in your forties (I was).

OP I think within a trusting long term relationship, you should tell him. It may not change the outcome, but he deserves to know.

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branofthemist · 15/06/2016 19:26

It's your body and your choice.

However, if dh lies to me about something as major as this, even by omission, it would be over.

In fact it happened to my cousin. He would have supported his girlfriend no matter what she wanted. But she knew he wanted kids eventually so told him she lost the baby. When it came out it destroyed the relationship.

PacificDogwod · 15/06/2016 19:26

I assume she has tested - just looking for confirmation.

Champers4Pampers · 15/06/2016 19:28

It's entirely up to you weather you terminate the pregnancy or not but I feel you need to be honest with him otherwise the rest of your relationship will be based on a lie.
Does he truly not want children or is this just something he's told himself because he believed he can't have children?
Yes, the prospect that he can conceive a child might change his perspective on things and it might mean the end of the relationship but you've at least got to give him all the info and let him decide for himself.
I don't think you'd be able to look him in the eye of you lied to him about it.

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