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After DA

(14 Posts)
bluecashmere Tue 14-Jun-16 10:29:28

Wondering how others cope in situations where you have to be in the presence of abusive ex in public situations - sports day, school plays etc. I get really stressed but don't want it to show to dc. I don't want to talk to exP but he makes out I am BU not to play happy families. Any advice?

bluecashmere Tue 14-Jun-16 11:54:02

Bumping as I could really do with some advice. I don't really know anyone who's had the same experiences as me. ExP is also a narcissist who makes every situation about him so he doesn't quietly sit on the sidelines and would rather play his 'perfect dad' role (he is far from it) which makes matters worse.

LisaMed1 Tue 14-Jun-16 13:34:49

I have no suggestions but sending hugs and hope someone else comes along.

Can you have someone else with you?

bluecashmere Tue 14-Jun-16 13:57:37

Thanks Lisa. Usually they have a restriction on numbers who can attend for each child otherwise I would take someone. I just know ex uses these situations to paint me as the bad guy and make himself look good. I have many years to go with this kind of situation so just need to find the best way to cope and not get wound up.

LisaMed1 Tue 14-Jun-16 14:01:35

Until someone useful comes along...

Does he have a go at you, or is it sly digs? Can you just be bland and none responsive, would that help?

hugs

BusyNothings Tue 14-Jun-16 14:03:39

In these situations I tend to opt for grit teeth, smile and be overtly polite when people can hear and then completely be bland and non-responsive as much as possible. Sorry you are having to go through this but keep your head up!

Kr1stina Tue 14-Jun-16 16:51:20

Sorry to hear about this stress that he is still causing in your life

I wonder if you might get more replies if you asked Mn to change your thread title to something more specific, like " How to deal with a narcissistic ex " or " coping with abusive ex " .

Just an idea

bluecashmere Tue 14-Jun-16 17:07:43

Thanks for the responses. I just have to get on with it I suppose. It won't be as bad as I'm imagining. I haven't really had to deal with this before as his interest in such things is quite new.

Kr1stina, thanks for your suggestions on thread titles. I'll come up with something more provocative next time!

Theonslostbits Tue 14-Jun-16 17:38:49

You are not happy families! So don't pretend to be. How long have you been separated? and how often does he see the children? Are either of you in new relationships?

I would just mingle among the other parents and stay out of his way

ricketytickety Tue 14-Jun-16 17:40:13

I'm afraid grin and bear it is best policy. If you're smiling he can't make out you're the arsehole.

Kr1stina Tue 14-Jun-16 18:10:49

If he's anything like the narcs I know, he will start to show an interest in these events if he believes that he can make it about him in some way . So if the child has begun to get good at some activity eg sport, drama and performs in a concert / plays in a team - he will turn up and show off to the other parents .

One dad I know showed no interest at all in the child's sport , didn't pay a penny towards it and never did any of the taxiing for YEARS . Then when the child progressed and began to win at competitions, suddenly he wanted to attend them. I hear him talking about how much time and money it is to support his child ( yeah, except he's not the one doing it , it's his wife ) , including this speech

" When I watch the Olympic games and see the medal winners being interviewed, they always thank their parents before their coach . Now I understand why - Jenny* has gymnastic training four times a week and most weekends and her competitions are all over the country . Last month she was in Preston, Norwich and Bristol "

He carefully doesn't mention that his wife does it all while he carps about how neglected he is and how much it's all costing .

Re thread titles - oh please don't be provocative , we have enough of that around here at the moment ;-) . As well as the hairy handed ones < sigh>

* details changed to protect the innocent

SandyY2K Tue 14-Jun-16 18:38:35

If you know any of the other parents arrange to sit with them and just ignore your Ex and focus on your DC.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 14-Jun-16 19:35:01

If ex tries to paint you as a bad guy at his children's sports day, that won't make him look good. It will make him look a right twat.

Honestly, none of the other parents give a flying fuck about either of you. I mean that in the nicest possible way.

The people who are your friends know the true situation. The people who aren't your friends are unlikely to care.

Seriously, can you imagine if you were at a school play and some random bloke started snidely bad-mouthing his ex to you. Would you think he is so lovely, or would you be cringing on the inside desperate to get away from him?

bluecashmere Tue 14-Jun-16 21:32:16

You're all right! I needed that perspective. It just takes me back to the bad old times when he's around, but I need to remember it's for a short time and I can walk away: I'm not going home with him afterwards now, thank fuck! grin

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