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OH is leaving me!!! (Leaving US more's the point)!!!!(25 Posts)
First post on here, but feeling totally lost! My OH of 10 years is leaving me and our six year old DD. I cannot even begin to rationalise or accept the situation and feel totally devastated. He says he has "had enough" of me, and doesn't want this anymore. I am truly heartbroken for all three of us. I have asked him what went wrong and there are all sorts of things that were clearly getting on his nerves that could easily be changed (without compromising ourselves as people), but he says it is too late and that he "doesn't want this right now". "RIGHT NOW"??!!!! WHAT ON EARTH DOES THAT MEAN. His plan is to move over an hour away (to avoid the commute to work) and continue to pay for everything this end whilst I finish my degree (one more year). His plans for DD are to collect her once a week and "take her for tea". Jeez...as if money and a weekly Harvester will replace him! I am so broken and so so sick of hurting. We have so much but for some reason he is unwilling to try. I cannot bear the thought of being alone...the long evenings and all the family time/rountines we have. Has anyone else been through similar? When does the pain stop? I have cried so many tears for us all that I feel numb and sick to the pit of my stomach. All of my plans involved him. Everything I ever do involves him. I feel so very lost and alone right now.
Hi mogsandmouse I'm just about to go to sleep but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered in case you are still awake. I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this. This has all the hallmarks of an affair. I know you're stunned and grief stricken right now but you need to get some legal advice as soon as you can. Maybe also speak to your tutors about any possible impact on your work. I won't dwell on that now though - you need to get through the hell of the initial shock. Do you have RL friends and family to support you? It does get easier and in fact many people who have suffered similar will say they have come out of it happier and stronger. You just need to take it a day at a time. Sorry if I'm firing off cliches it's late x
I'm so sorry. I've been through this and its really painful. Please get yourself as much support as you can and don't listen to any if his bullshit.
Sorry, OP. I would second the advice to get legal advice, especially as you call him 'OH' so I assume you are not married, which means your entitlements are very limited. If he doesn't stick to his word about paying for everything, there's nothing to enforce that - the only thing you're entitled to is child maintenance and a share of any joint accounts.
I would also prepare yourself (based on many posts on here where women's partners swore there was nobody else in the picture, and then the truth gradually came to light) for the fact there may be someone else involved. Sorry.
He will deny the OW but she exists and you must proceed on that basis. She probably lives in the town he is moving to (he may be moving in with her) so any contact must not happen there. That will also be why he is planning to take your DD out for tea once a week. A) because he doesnt want you to know about his new living arrangements and B) because he doesnt want childcare to impinge on his social life.
He has been planning this so dont agree to anything without legal advice. He had a plan in his head that he would skip off and you would be happy for him and be all accomodating about it. When you are not, because you are poleaxed by this bolt from the blue, he will get nasty. Be prepared for that as it will poleaxe you again.
I am so sorry
I'd put my money on another woman too. Seek legal advice immediately.
Also betting on another woman. You WILL get through this, I and I'm guessing thousands of other mners have been there. Wouldn't wish on anyone but it happens. From now on your focus is you and dd.
Keep eating/nourishing yourself (soup, multi vits whatever), sleep whenever however. Avoid caffeine/alcohol it doesn't help the anxious feelings.
Time to get your ducks in a row:
If you have joint accounts take at least half the money out NOW and put in a completely separate (different banking group) account.
Locate and put to one side (if legally belong to you as well as him) or copy (those that are his eg pay slips, you'll need proof of pay for maintenance calculations) all financial and legal docs including marriage cert, dds birth cert and passports.
Tell college/uni immediately
Contact student support for financial advice, they're far more informed wrt students than cab etc
DO NOT agree to anything until you get legal advice.
He says he's leaving but does he have any legal claim on your home? If not soon as he leaves change locks.
Car? In his or your name? If yours get the key off him. If his but he's saying you can have it, get that in writing ASAP!
His 'contact' arrangements sound shit! Be prepared for him to possibly fade out of dds life.
It is shit and he's a shit!
All most identical circumstances to my best friend... And yes, as other posters have said the commute to work was a cover for the fact that he was moving in with the OW.
You need legal advice asap
First, there isn't necessarily another woman. There wasn't in my case. Second, and I'm playing devil's advocate here, the long commute to work may well be getting him down, especially if he has a high powered and demanding job. Third, the, "shit" contact he's proposing may genuinely be what he feels will be the least unsettling for your DD for the immediate future, on going it isn't enough for sure. Is he from a broken home, himself? If so, he may be trying to avoid what made him so upset as a child. Children need as much stability as is possible through a break up and, too often, there's far too much toing and froing as the self absorbed parent who's breaking up the family and becoming the nrp insists on, "their right" to contact with the child, and the child is left oscillating between a new, "home" with a new bedroom and new toys etc. and a distraught and emotionally vulnerable parent. It can, not always, but sometimes, be easier on the child to introduce the concept of two, "homes" a little more gradually, especially if parenting is particularly one sided through necessity, (work commitments meaning that one parent gets to see little of the child and partake only rarely in practical care giving) and even more so if the child is used to one parent being away from home for periods of time, (again if work commitments regularly keep a parent away) Yes, he's a shit for leaving without trying to compromise and see if the family can be mended. Yes, make no mistake, you're correct, he's leaving both of you. Yes, get legal help and speak to student services a.s.a.p. Gather as much emotional and practical support around you as you can, it's going to be a rocky journey. Yes, you do come out of the other side eventually. Battle scarred and weary, but stronger fundamentally. Come on here and vent as much as you need. II really feel for you.
What bacconymum said . In fact what everyone said .
There's another woman . He's been planning this for a while. Get RL help and support and don't trust him he's not on your side.
I'm so sorry .
Thank you so much for your thoughts. To be honest, whether there is someone else or not, the situation doesn't really change and there is f all i can do about it. I just so wish I didn't live him like I do! I have messages on my phone from only three weeks ago that are so lovely...three weeks ago! I can't imagine a life without him. No family. Single Mum, and no sibling for DD which was the plan after my degree. It's just all too horrific.
Just be gentle with yourself. Your brain will be going in to over drive.
Please, please believe me that one day you will be happy again.
He will deny the OW but she exists
Unless you have a crystal ball you can't possibly know they do.
There wasn't when my exH left nor in many other cases I know of.
It isn't as much a given as people like to think.
Pressed too soon.
for you OP and be kind to yourself.
Also do speak to your tutors.
RedMaple is right you WILL be happy again - you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other in the meantime.
When my exh left there was no other woman. But it took him two years to leave! In this case, everything is planned and he obviously has somewhere to go so I would be suspicious.
It is such a shock op and many many similar threads on here at the moment sadly.
OP I feel so much for you. Try not to think of him as that "lovely" OH which he WAS. And remember him now as the OH who has walked out on you.
Imagine if YOU"D walked out! What would he be doing? How would he manage your DD? I hate it when men do this. It's SO presumptuous!
Do you rent or own the house? You will get some benefits now. Have you called them?
Get legal advice.
Are you married?
Be practical - because at present he feels guilty - but this won't last - when it eases (and he decided it's all your fault anyway), he will become less generous.
You can have time to feel sorry for yourself, and mourn the relationship.
BUT you also need to fight for the best deal for yourself and your DD.
(I think there is an OW, but it is irrelevant.)
Do tell people. Get support. Find a Shit Hot Lawyer. Claim benefits, see if there are funds you can access at Uni, get help for yourself etc.
Lawyers are expensive....will OP be able to get help with legal fees? If she and OH are renting and own no property, then she won't need legal advice will she?
If they've been married and have savings/property, then it's different.
I think it's obvious there is OW involved here. Get some legal advice as soon as you can. He must really have thought long & hard about it, to give up the day to day involvement with your DD. Best of luck OP. Must be horrible
Op hasn't said what the situation is re property/valuables/money is. There's also a child involved. Either of those alone mean a lawyers advice recommended.
Also financially up here co-habiting couples have similar claims to married ones.
Ifeelsuchafool sorry but I think your scenario is extremely rare and unlikely to be the case.
Based not only on my own experience, but of many (sadly) friends and family in real life, plus posts in relationships on here, plus being on several other online communities dealing with divorce/separation (where it's not mainly women posting too).
Today I'd advise you to start telling people. I found that people were amazed at how quickly I recovered from this, and I put a lot of that down to the fact that I talked and talked and talked
and that they didn't see what I was like when I was on my own .
Secondly, and for the reasons given by PP, get the ball rolling with the finances and legalities.
Thirdly, he doesn't get to unilaterally decide how little he sees DD. I can't see how old she is but there are many reasons why one meal a week isn't near enough time
I would not allow him to pay for everything at your end for the next year! This will make you rely on him and allow him a degree of control over you. Go see a lone parents advisor at the job centre and see if you are entitled to any benefits including childcare.
I know you are in shock! And very much heartbroken, but he is treating you like dirt. To spring this on you in your final year of a degree, leave you taking full time care of your dd is disgusting.
If it was me, id
1) remove all of his belongings from the house asap. He has made is clear he wants to go
2) go see lone parents advisor
3) contact cms
4) tell him he can see dd EOW so you can have a break/he spends time parenting his daughter. Don't budge on this. He is leaving you with all childcare 24/7.
5) don't contact him at all. He can contact you about seeing your daughter
It sounds to me that he wants to keep you financially dependant with no childcare for a social life (so you can't move on) easier for him to walk back in if he decides his new life isn't what he thought it was.
The lovely texts he sent three weeks ago were to keep you sweet!
Please protect yourself and good luck. It's very suprising how men change after a breakup!
You need to now behave like a separated couple, do not allow him to continue to call the shots, whether there is OW (likely) or not you now have to protect yourself and your daughter, he will be and has been doing the same for a while now.
So what if your daughter will grow up with mostly you, nothing wrong with it, it doesn't mean she will have a crap life, she will still see her dad no, and when he has her you can go out and enjoy yourself, there are thousands going through it and they come out the other end ok - sorry for your hurt, it must be awful but you need to get angry now and use that adrenalin to help you forge forward with then financial stuff.
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