Hi all.
Throw away account for obvious reasons. I am a 30 year old man who has been with his wife for 12 years. Married for 5. No children. Past year me and the wife have been having some big blowouts. Wife is a workaholic and has breakdowns when things get hard at work. I allways drop the lot and help as I can. I take the fact she takes her frustrations out on me. Blaming me for every tiny little thing despite the fact I become the buffer for her frustrations. Don't get me wrong I knew that about her before we married. She can get quite nasty. Telling me how unless and pathetic I am. How much I don't help when I help so much. After our massive rows she admits it's true apologises and it all goes back to normal.
That's the relationship status. The problem is this. She wants a child. I see that any problem at work or tiny bit of pressure she still goes back to this controlling guilt coping strategy. I have been with her since we were 16. I've seen her mother do exactly the same thing to her partners and I've seen how it spilt into how she treated the kids. The guilt for working so hard and her children being lazy. Just so much guilt was laid on her and her siblings. It was the reason I took her away from her family home and helped her repair her relationship with her mother. The problem is I don't think I can take that in my own family. I can't change her. I have tried to teach her how to deal with her emotions and stress bit it's allways back to the super defence and blame of those closest to her. Just like her mother. I can't bring a child into this.
Problem number two is a collegue at work. I'm having a full blown emotional affair with this unassuming girl. I'm quite a self aware person. My career depends on it. I'm pretty sure the lady feels the same way. We have both been trying to avoid each other in order to respect my wife. The chemistry is crazy. I can tell she tries to distance herself so things don't go past tipping point. I can't get this woman out of my mind. I dream of her. I cry with guilt for thinking about her in such a way. It's been at least 5 months and it hasn't passed. I've crushed before. Silly little things that have passed, like every married person. This one I can't shake.
I know my wife knows there are problems but she is far into denial. So far I think she has convinced herself that that kids and the goat farm and the house are all guaranteed. I don't want to leave her for this other woman. But it's really making me question if I should stay in this marriage.
I want to tell my "crush" that I have feelings for her and I need some space because my marriage is in trouble. I know there is a nasty part of me that also just wants to know if her feelings are the same. Should I tell her that I need to avoid her while I sort out my marriage.
I don't know if I can, or want to stay with my wife. She can't keep using me as a buffer when everything things get to much for her. Things that most people could deal with. Controlling everything and deciding my future through guilt. I still love her. As a sister or a best freind. We have been together nearly every day for 14 years after all. I don't know anything different. I don't think she does either. I want her to have what she wants but not at the expense of my pride, grinding me down until I just say yes to everything to avoid her spite.
I really hope I'm not being a massive weak willed #%@$. It's really starting to mess with my all ready fragile mental health. I need advice.
I know I will have to have the talk with my wife. And after she has finished a really important work project I will. Should I tell my crush to stay away so I can concentrate or just try and avoid for the next 3 weeks (having her roll around my head) until I can talk to my wife and see where my marriage lies.
Sorry for the essay. I just need help.
Regards
Me
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Relationships
What a freaking mess.
10 replies
Ffs85 · 13/06/2016 23:02
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