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Would you divorce over no sex?

(112 Posts)
LillyMom Mon 13-Jun-16 22:54:06

Hi, I am married and have three kids. My husband and I have been together for twelve years and we have a very harmonic relationship. We hardly fight about anything, he is an amazing guy and does a lot for me and our family.
Problem is that we never really had good sex, and things don't seem to get better even though we have been trying to fix the problem for some time now. We just don't do it. We have gone more than an year without it and now it does happen, but not even once every two months.
I have suggested divorce but he refuses and I don't know what to do. I am not the cheating kind, and have not done that, but I do feel it will be hard to resist if I get the chance. In that case things can get worse cause I would get a turbulent divorce instead of a friendly one, plus I would hurt him, which I really don't want to.
I am lost and need advice. Someone in same situation? Share your thoughts and experiences, please.
Thank you so much.

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jun-16 22:59:43

I would certainly divorce before I looked for sex outside my marriage behind my husband's back.

honeyandmarmitesandwiches Mon 13-Jun-16 23:02:15

I ended up leaving my exP mainly over this. It had become a once every six months thing which I found too sad and depressing, I didn't feel he fancied me at all (although he said he did but honestly, how was I meant to believe that?)
Just didn't know how to fix it and knew I wanted more from a relationship. It wasn't the only issue and maybe if everything else had been great I'd have stayed longer and tried harder to improve things but ultimately I couldn't resign myself to that being 'it' for quite possibly the rest of my life.
It is sad though. But for me, the only decision I could have made, having lived with the situation for several years without it changing, I just reached the point where I had to acknowledge it was over, romantically speaking.

Cheapthrills Mon 13-Jun-16 23:02:22

You are entitled to divorce him whether he likes it or not. And yes I would divorce over lack of sex.

TheNaze73 Mon 13-Jun-16 23:03:02

I echo AnyFucker Don't cheat but, do it properly. A sexless marriage isn't fair on you

Vriksasana Mon 13-Jun-16 23:03:03

I think I would. Especially as you know that the divorce would be a turbulent one. I wouldn't want to have sex with a man if I knew that he was one step away from fighting me. ykwim?

LineyReborn Mon 13-Jun-16 23:05:44

I certainly dont want to share my thoughts and experiences.

But if you'd like some well meant advice, I don't think you'll find happiness shagging someone else before you've dealt with your marriage.

LillyMom Mon 13-Jun-16 23:05:48

Thanks so much. You described exactly what I feel. Helps me a lot. Thanks.

buckingfrolicks Mon 13-Jun-16 23:05:50

No I wouldn't and haven't. No sex for 10 years. But it's not that important to me now aged 52 in the way it definitely was in my 40s. If everything else is ok I'd stay. But I'm not brave. Perhaps you are.

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jun-16 23:08:04

Everyone is different. I am the wrong side of 50 and sex is more important to me than it ever was. Now the kids are grown we are getting our life back. If sex wasn't a big part of it we might as well be simply housemates. It's the only thing we have together that we don't have with other people...

fakenamefornow Mon 13-Jun-16 23:12:15

Do you love him though? Do you still get affection from him? I think if I was still getting hugs and kisses I would stay and just masturbate.

If your leaving so you can have sex with somebody you may not meet anybody else to have sex with.

LillyMom Mon 13-Jun-16 23:16:01

Thanks, but that isn't the issue. I am not planning to have sex with anyone else. The issue is: To keep trying to fix the relationship or not.

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jun-16 23:16:44

Is he trying to fix it ?

LillyMom Mon 13-Jun-16 23:17:11

No hugs or kisses.

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jun-16 23:18:45

but I do feel it will be hard to resist if I get the chance.

Actually, that quote from you is part way along the path of giving yourself permission to cheat. Absolutely classic.

LillyMom Mon 13-Jun-16 23:19:17

He tries for some days and forgets it until I come up with the problem again.

honeyandmarmitesandwiches Mon 13-Jun-16 23:29:16

AnyFucker that's very harsh. OP is craving what is missing from her marriage and recognises that she's vulnerable and that it's not good.
She's on here trying to get advice on how to resolve the situation not planning infidelity.

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jun-16 23:35:42

It's not harsh at all. And not many people "plan" infidelity. There are an awful lot of scenarios that "just happened" though. The truth is, if you are more open to cheating, it us more likely to "just happen". There is nothing wrong with being honest with yourself.

Vriksasana Mon 13-Jun-16 23:36:36

What is tjere to cheat on tho??

bibbitybobbityyhat Mon 13-Jun-16 23:38:16

Yes, I think lack of sex is perfectly reasonable grounds for divorce.

I'm not sure what AF's point is.

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jun-16 23:38:18

So her husband deserves to get cheated on, vrik ?

bibbitybobbityyhat Mon 13-Jun-16 23:40:07

It's hard, but just because your dh doesn't want to divorce doesn't mean you have to agree with him.

MrsY Mon 13-Jun-16 23:40:41

Sex is an important part of a relationship, but it's not the only part. My husband and I don't have sex as much as I would like, but I wouldn't divorce him over it. We still hug and kiss, we are friends and love each other and enjoy spending time with each other. For us, life and kids sleeping in our bed is what impacts our sex life, not lack of attraction/affection.
I think I would know if I wanted a divorce without asking others' opinions. I would divorce him before I cheated though.

Vriksasana Mon 13-Jun-16 23:40:49

They r not having sex and she has told him she wants to divorce and he said he wont allow it. There's nothing to cheat on imo

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jun-16 23:42:28

He doesn't get to allow or disallow a divorce.

And it would still be cheating in my eyes, unless she told him upfront.

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