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I have ended an affair

(128 Posts)
guffspeak Mon 13-Jun-16 18:26:08

And I'm devastated, both married, flame away I deserve it
Talked for weeks all very emotional stuff, absolutely fell for it, how gorgeous I am etc, met up, didn't have sex but played around a bit
In contact all day every day, I started to have feelings for him and told him
Surprise surprise he doesn't feel the same and just wants sex and fun
I'm heartbroken and don't know how to get over it
I know it's all my own fault and I deserve every bit of unhappiness
I'm just so upset and feel like a fool

Cabrinha Mon 13-Jun-16 18:31:49

Use it as a wake up call to either fix your marriage or end your marriage.

I can't say any more, because it would be flaming.

DianaMitford Mon 13-Jun-16 18:35:19

Time. Just time and hopefully soon some relief that you didn't destroy your life.

Then investigate why you were susceptible to an affair. Low self esteem? Boredom? Genuine unhappiness in your marriage? Identify and then have a shot at solving it.

EyefulTower Mon 13-Jun-16 18:38:50

I recommend 'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass. It will really help you understand how this has happened and what to do to rebuild your relationship with your dp (if that's an option).

ErNope Mon 13-Jun-16 18:39:35

If you're devastated now I'd like to point out how devastated your DH/DW will be if they find out. Other than that, I will not flame you.
Please try to identify why you wanted this, what it gave you, what you wanted from it and fix the issue that caused it. I'd recommend telling your partner also.

SilverBirchWithout Mon 13-Jun-16 18:42:55

I'm sure this will fill with lots of judgemental posts. You have had a lucky escape.

However you know you have now done the right thing, take lots of time to work through this, it's going to be hard to work through all the conflicting feelings, guilt and feeling an idiot for getting sucked in by the lies. I would strongly recommend counselling, no one else you could talk to can really be trusted or allow you to express everything you are feeling, freely.

I was in your position many years ago and it nearly wrecked my marriage. We survived and I grew to love my DH even more strongly, as I appreciated him for the honest and trustworthy person he was. The guilt and self-loathing I felt was tough, but people do make mistakes for all sorts of reasons.

It takes time, be kind to yourself.

Surferjet Mon 13-Jun-16 18:46:24

Well done for walking away.
You know it's for the best.
flowers wine

guffspeak Mon 13-Jun-16 18:48:17

Thank you for the kind replies, he made me feel beautiful, young and exciting, it was like a drug waiting for the texts and the flattery and I felt amazing, he's still messaging saying he still want to see me but doesn't want me to fall for him
I'm a regular poster who namechanged for this

SilverBirchWithout Mon 13-Jun-16 18:48:35

Also have a bit of a read about limerence. It's interesting how illicit or unresolved relationships can mess with your head and remove all sense and logic from your thinking.

Such a 'relationship' is really escapist fantasy and is not real in the true sense of the word.

SilverBirchWithout Mon 13-Jun-16 18:52:16

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2414204-Does-anyone-know-much-about-limerence-or-ever-experienced-it

There are a lot of threads about limerence, the one above is from last year.

Surferjet Mon 13-Jun-16 18:53:18

SilverBirch is right op. Try & see it for what it was. DO NOT go back to him.

notagiraffe Mon 13-Jun-16 18:54:33

Well done for ending it. Only you know whether your marriage is worth saving. If it is, give your DH lots of attention and plan to do fun things with him that you both look forward to.
And, most important, have a big think about what you could do in your life, for yourself, that would give you a rush of excitement and make you feel wonderful about yourself, which isn't an affair. Have you any big dreams or ambitions you could pour your energy into? People with grand passions of their own have less time for extra marital stuff. Imho, affairs happen because people want excitement in life and don't look deep enough inside themselves to find out what they really want but go for the first quick thrill that rolls up. There are other places to find massive excitement than sex with someone who is committed elsewhere!

Cabrinha Mon 13-Jun-16 19:00:14

I will add, just in case you are not going to take the advice to actively sort out your marriage...
It's not quite exact to say that you ended it. More than you didn't do through with it because you realised he just wanted a shag.
Sounds like if he had bullshitted about love you wouldn't have cheated on your husband. (Well, you already did cheat - but full sex I mean)
So you can only take the "well dones" so far.
Unless you sort out or leave your marriage, you will cheat when another man does the same but lies (or not) about love.

adora1 Mon 13-Jun-16 19:01:13

Pity the poor other half's who have no idea they are married to such selfish people, it's all about you isn't it OP, he made you feel beautiful, I mean if you are that desperate for attention perhaps you need to look at why your marriage is so crap, you clearly can't love your husband.

LuckySantangelo1 Mon 13-Jun-16 19:06:41

Try and get a bit of distance from him. Best thing you can do is ask him to stop contacting you. Otherwise it will be so easy to get drawn back in. Go cold turkey. I know it's incredibly hard. But it's for the best.

ClopySow Mon 13-Jun-16 19:10:42

No judgement here.

It happens. Nobody plans it. It fucking hurts.

Cut off contact. Move on. Figure out if your marriage is for saving and either do it, or stop it if it's not.

Stay well clear of the other man. He wants the cake and is offering you nothing but crumbs.

guffspeak Mon 13-Jun-16 19:11:48

I think that's what I need help with the most, not getting sucked back in
I miss him so much

guffspeak Mon 13-Jun-16 19:14:08

Clopy you summed that up nicely with the cake thing, that's exactly it

LuckySantangelo1 Mon 13-Jun-16 19:25:50

You are going to miss him. Try and accept that. You will probably have a grieving period for him & what may have been. Just let yourself go with it, stay away from him (and anywhere you may see him). Try and focus instead on your husband. Would booking a holiday away be an option? Time to reconnect with him.

meditrina Mon 13-Jun-16 19:29:48

You need to stop the drama. And that includes talking about him. Including here.

Not saying that to be thread police, but because it is vital, now you have broken it off, that you do not inadvertently stay in affair bubble.

The hard work - rebuilding your marriage - starts now. Start talking about your DH and your family.

ClopySow Mon 13-Jun-16 20:04:43

Actually talking about it here might just be the thing that stops op contacting him. Fair enough if you don't want to indulge it.

memyselfandaye Mon 13-Jun-16 20:10:30

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheNaze73 Mon 13-Jun-16 20:14:37

Will you tell your DH what you've been upto? I think you've had a wake up call but, really need to figure out what you want

ClopySow Mon 13-Jun-16 20:45:48

Well said memyselfandaye

It never ceases to amaze me how fucking shitty people can be on here.

OldMrsBrightside Mon 13-Jun-16 20:54:12

In my experience, being very attracted to someone else is 'the final straw ' in the 'going-off-your-partner-process'
It's happened to me twice. Both times it was a question of either getting ready to fix stuff with my partner or get the fuck out before anything happens elsewhere.
Both times I got out. The most recent was two weeks ago. Relationship falling apart for weeks. Then I was incredibly attracted to someone else & I knew I had to get out.
OP, either get on, or get out.
And don't get drawn back in by this married cheating and lying man.

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