Has anyone's relationship ever recovered after serious debt?

[TeaAnd2Sugars]

Wondering if there is a way out of this mess.

DH has run up substantial debts whilst setting up his business, all in his name, but won't show me any banks statements etc. Meanwhile we are living on a very limited budget, financed by my job. We agreed when we first got together that I'd do all the household budgeting (he said he wasn't great at it - oh God how I wish I'd listened to that), and I asked him to use the joint account so we could budget. He didn't. He's now bringing in some money but has, without telling me, started using the joint account to pay for his things. Fine, except that I haven't budgeted for this and he won't ('can't' according to DH) tell me how much of his income will come into the joint account. Am I right to be pissed off about this?

He doesn't know that I've realised he's using the joint account. I want to get my head straight before I discuss this with him and not be brushed off, like I normally am. It normally ends with 'I'm trying my hardest, what more can I do' and I feel like I'm being unreasonable and left hamstrung. He has depression so it's a bit catch 22 - push too hard and it makes things worse. He won't talk about it and won't go to counselling 'because we haven't talked'.

Is there a solution, other than threatening to leave?

[TeaAnd2Sugars]

Has anybody been in a similar situation?

[Somerville]

I haven't been in this situation, but I have had family members who've got into serious debt problems, got themselves out the other side of them, and their marriages stayed intact.

HOWEVER, that's been based on open and full disclosure about what incurred the debt on either side, seeking help for a deb management plan together, etc...

Depression is not a reason for him not showing you his bank statements.

A married couple are jointly liable for debts, seven if he weren't dipping into the joint account, he would need to be open with you about his finances.

I would urgently open an account in your own name, and organise your wages to go into that instead.

And short of threatening to divorce him, I don't know what else you could do here to protect yourself in the longer run.

[TeaAnd2Sugars]

Thanks Somerville. I'm pretty sure I'm not liable for his debts, they are in his name only and unsecured. I do use a separate account, so ok on that front. I just don't see how he's going to pay them off if he won't even talk about it.

[Tiggeryoubastard]

I don't think the problem here is the debts as such. It's his whole attitude to them and disregard for you.

[Stormtreader]

Are you sure that all this debt is for the business? I hear alarm bells when someone refuses to show their own statements, and then starts sneakily eating into someone elses funds as well.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You shouldn't threaten to leave unless you are fully prepared to go through with it.

That said, I would leave if DH wouldn't show me the statements in this situation. I would have to assume he was hiding something pretty fucking bad.

I'm trying my hardest, what more can I do "You can show me the last two years of statements right now. Login to your bank and show me what you've been hiding."

I probably wouldn't say anything except that, on a loop, no matter what he said.

Presumably he is hiding something pretty bad if his depression gets worse when you press him for the truth. Or maybe that is just a tactic.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

I wouldn't get into negotiations with him or be all softly softly if he has form for making you feel hamstrung and unreasonable.

I would be direct. "I have had enough of paying all your expenses while you hide what you earn and what you spend. It is time to come clean about whatever you are hiding. Tell me now." Then demand to see statements no matter what.

If he starts ducking and diving, then it is ultimatum time. An alternative to a threat to leave is a statement that you will be paying exactly 50% of the bills into the joint account from now on and you expect him to do the same. You will only be willing to open negotiations on how much to subsidise him if you have full disclosure.