Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Found out friend has been seeing stbxh on regular occaisions whilst ignoring me

(18 Posts)
mangosandlime Mon 13-Jun-16 10:24:41

I caught up with an old primary school friend who I hadn’t seen for quite a few months the other day.

I mentioned how I hadn’t seen a mutual friend of ours, a friend who this time last year I would have counted as my best friend. I said how I had been attempting contact with her since last October and seem to be ignored.

Friend told me then that she knows that this mutual friend of our has been regularly inviting my stbxh to her and her husbands house all whilst ignoring me.

I understand that during relationship breakdowns that friends are sometimes lost when people have to choose sides. But this really hurts. She was my friend. My best friend from school. We were eachothers bridesmaids, and never at any point were they close to my stbxh.

She hasn’t even asked if I am ok. I have been in and out of hospital this year along with a bad car accident and I fee so rejected and lonely.

All I can think is that my stbx is saying bad things about me, and if that’s the case and she believe it without even coming to me to question me about it, then I know that its not a friendship worth trying to keep any longer.

Why cant I just get over this easily ?

Any suggestions?

Slowdecrease Mon 13-Jun-16 10:56:35

You're right when relationships break up its never easy. All I can say is that if you haven't heard from her all this time and found out through a third party that she has become friends with your ex then she's not your best friend and probably never really was. Unfortunately life is forever changing and relationships including friendships are fluid, let this one roll away. He probably is saying bad things about you but so what? You can't control that so don't let it take up headspace.

NeeNahh Mon 13-Jun-16 13:33:39

Could they have startes a relationship now, which is why she has blanked you?

mangosandlime Mon 13-Jun-16 13:41:59

No she is recently married.

mangosandlime Mon 13-Jun-16 13:56:26

I feel like such a loser and that I must be a terrible horrible person if my friends are taking his side.

He was a terrible financially and emotionally abusive person who I am glad to be rid of. But I didn't think I'd lose my friends at the same time too.

I feel ever so lonely.

I didn't go to uni and work in a small company so my school friends were it for me really

coco1810 Mon 13-Jun-16 18:56:42

There's nothing stopping you from going to uni or making changes to make new friends or start a new career. Are there any hobbies you would like to do?

mangosandlime Mon 13-Jun-16 19:00:47

My new job is pretty time co aiming now and because of stbx I moved away.
Not too far though.

I really like books and film but not an easy way to meet people through that

defineme Mon 13-Jun-16 19:03:33

My local arts cinema has lots of nights and film courses where you'd meet people and the local library has details of book groups?

RaeSkywalker Mon 13-Jun-16 19:06:11

That sucks. You're better off without your 'friend'. I hope that you come out of this stronger- you sound very grounded and resolved to see this through. flowers it's her loss!

RaeSkywalker Mon 13-Jun-16 19:06:39

I joined a local book group of that helps?

SuperFlyHigh Mon 13-Jun-16 19:07:53

Can you maybe speak to her about this? Otherwise what a total bitch.

Janey50 Mon 13-Jun-16 19:08:04

Sorry if I'm a bit slow,but what does stbxh stand for?! confused

RaeSkywalker Mon 13-Jun-16 19:09:22

janey- "soon to be ex husband".

ricketytickety Mon 13-Jun-16 19:16:47

Sadly in my experience when you split with an abuser a surprising amount of friends get closer to them and ignore/drop you. I think it's because they enjoy the lightness and jovial side of the abuser rather than the stressed, lonely emotions of the abused.

I am in no way saying you should be all sweetness and light for people to like you. You may not even have said a word about it, but some people don't want to hear about it and will give you a wide berth.

It's a sort of arsehole filter; the people who drop you when you are in need aren't worth having. It's shocking because often you can't predict who it may be.

Your stbxh may well have been shit-stirring with them too and initiated going round there. He may have befriended your 'friend's' husband. So there are possible reasons for it.

You won't have anything to loose ringing her up and talking it through explaining you are confused about what's happening and see what she says, just in case it's innocent.

nicenewdusters Mon 13-Jun-16 19:23:58

I've been in a similar position. Thought my friend and I couldn't be closer. She knew why my very long term relationship had broken up, confided in her etc. She and her children met up with my ex and ours on several occasions. It suited her to do so, and turned out she thought she could help (interfere!) in our split.

It finally came to a head, and she found out why I was avoiding her. Long letter of apology, and a tearful meet up. My trust has been destroyed though and our friendship will never recover.

I really feel for you OP. You are most definitely not a loser, people can just be very unpredictable and selfish.

Janey50 Tue 14-Jun-16 18:26:02

RaeSkywalker - Thanks!

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 14-Jun-16 19:41:09

I honestly think you have nothing to lose contacting your friend whether by phone or email and just honestly ask her & tell her how you feel.

VoldysGoneMouldy Tue 14-Jun-16 19:55:54

It's sadly so common when leaving an abusive relationship for everyone else to still be invested in the abusers facade. They often get a lot of sympathy, as they play the victim as the nasty party. I had similar happen, it hurt like hell.

But for what it's worth - the friends I have now, have never been contaminated by him.

flowers for you. This person is not your friend. x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now