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Been single a year now....

(13 Posts)
Newbie100 Sun 12-Jun-16 20:52:23

Kinda sick of boring my friends and family with it all, but I'm still in such a bad place since my dds father left me..
Long story short, accused me of cheating..wasn't true .. Wouldn't tell me Any details as to why he thought that just left. Weren't great any ways but didn't see it coming.
After s year I thought I'd feel so much better and i feel likes it's worse then ever. Specially when my dd goes off for visits I'm constantly worrying about what there doing who she's meeting, if there's gunna be a new gf on the scene.
Can a mother be replaced? I'm so insecure any ways but almost convinced myself that one day he will meet someone who will then become a new mum to my dd and it scares me so much. I'm just so upset all the time and cannot snap out of it, feel like I could be heading for a real down sad

Newbie100 Sun 12-Jun-16 20:53:18

Break down *

Kittencatkins123 Sun 12-Jun-16 21:17:42

Of course a mother can't be replaced - well not a loving one which you clearly are.

Even my (completely shit lying cheating) dad couldn't be replaced by my (basically a hero) stepdad. My dad is my dad, my stepdad is my stepdad. So you (as a nice, loving, non-lying mum) really don't have anything to worry about.

I think a year is probably just about enough time to get over the shock of your ex leaving so abruptly (and unfairly) and to start dealing with the emotional fall out. But that means that you're starting to accept and move on.

Have you asked your doctor to refer you for counselling/therapy/CBT or similar?

Stay strong OP, it's tough, but if you can manage to hold it together, it WILL get better - and eventually you'll meet someone you'll be far happier with and form a lovely little unit of your own.


Newbie100 Sun 12-Jun-16 22:03:44

Thank you so much for the reply.
I've recently ha some online sessions with time to talk... Was helpful in many ways but i feel like in the end I was telling them what they wanted coz I felt embarrassed about feeling so low about the same thing all of the time.
He was pretty awful to me at times, yet I still thought that he would change his mind and come back. Sounds so sad doesn't it ? confused
Just hate that now my daughter has a whole other life that I'm no longer allowed to be a part of..

WillIEverBeASizeTen Sun 12-Jun-16 22:10:04

A year is nothing kind to yourself. Like the PP said, you won't be replaced I assure yousmilewhen you're in a good place emotionally, you will accept your daughters 'other life' because you will be at peace. It will come, but it's early days yet.


Lostlou Sun 12-Jun-16 22:27:38

Newbie100 I'm so sorry I really am.

I can't really help you in how you feel about your lost relationship. Can I just say however as a (now ex) stepmum that we do our best for the children of our DP. I had a lovely little DSD and we got on really well and I would care for her but I would never EVER try to replace her mum.

If and when your exDP meets another woman, please give her a chance, no matter how hurt you feel by him. I can't imagine how upset you must feel that your DD might go through part of her life without you because I don't have children of my own. In my experience though from the 'other side of the fence' DSD would talk about her mum happily with me and we did nice things like make Mother's Day cupcakes for her to take back when she returned to her mum.

flowers from the other side xxx

Newbie100 Sun 12-Jun-16 22:57:50

Thank you wilieverbeasizeten, it doesn't seem liken along to time to me. I'm trying to work on my emotions, I'm too sensitive for my own good. Hopefully k will get to a place of normality coz I hating my life right now.

Thank you for a perspective from the other side LostLou I do appreciate it, and I don't intend to be a bitter jealous person when he does meet someone, but trying to contain that is another thing lol.
I just don't want to lose my daughter, she's my world I feel like my
Life just stops even when she goes for visits I sound ridiculous I know I do lol

Kittencatkins123 Sun 12-Jun-16 23:40:34

I know what you mean about 'telling them what they want to hear'. I ended up doing that with my last counsellor. Total waste of time but I'm now feeling better because I stopped putting myself under pressure and started doing things to look after myself (working out, doing yoga etc). And I'm having a man break! smile

Why don't you try to fill the time when your daughter is with her dad with something positive - whether it's working out, doing yoga, a class... It could be something you do that would be good for her too even - totally random example but if it was dressmaking and you could make her things too.

It would stop you missing her so much/brooding over things and there are loads of emotional benefits to both physical activity and learning new skills/flow activities ( like sewing, craft, baking etc). And you'd get to meet people, make friends and feel good about what you achieve.

What kinds of things would you like to do?

Newbie100 Mon 13-Jun-16 07:34:16

To be honest, I don't really know anymore. I've lost my way so much I will literally sit around waiting for her return.
I do have a few exercise DVDs laying around that I have intentions to get back into. I usually threw
myself into cleaning and washing to pass the time.. God I sound so sad lol.

Im at a bit of a loss, he has this friend which he says is nothing more than that, however my dd went to this friends kids party. And now she has a photo of my dd and her dd as her cover photo on fb.
Trying not to get to worked up about it, I mean I have photos of dd on mine as do family and friends. But it's making me so upset, like a glimpse into what's coming.
I can't asked for it to be taken down, as it would seem double standards as only yesterday a friend of mine which my ex doesn't know added a photo.
Should I just forget it and stop my anxiety. ?
Sorry going off topic a little, but u can maybe see how I struggle all the time.

Kittencatkins123 Mon 13-Jun-16 23:22:19

I don't think you can just stop anxious feelings, I think you need two things - an outlet to talk to about this stuff (so try another type of counselling that fits you better) and to find ways to distract yourself from sitting at home, thinking about this stuff.

I think you need to get out of the house - could you go to a gym or exercise class - even just out for a walk. Do you have friends you could hang out with to do things together to distract you (rather than just talk about the situation)?

Newbie100 Tue 14-Jun-16 17:39:08

Yea I do have a great group of friends, that are more than willing to hang out. I've got to push myself more, take that step and get out there.. I know that's the only way forward. Need to stop feeling sorry for myself and all lol.
Thank you for your advise and for taking the time to reply it's been a great help X

smilingeyes11 Tue 14-Jun-16 18:45:54

If he was that awful I would suggest the Freedom Programme too. And please block him and any of his associates online. You will send yourself round the twist online stalking and reading stuff into anything and everything any of them post. Do you work, hobbies, friends etc? You need to find something to distract. Exercise is a great one to do. You sound like your confidence is utterly trashed btw and you would be v vulnerable to anyone new now. Freedom Programme and some suitable counselling for yourself would be invaluable right now.

Newbie100 Tue 14-Jun-16 21:49:19

Thank you, I have not heard of that programme but I will have a look.
I agree, my confidence is little to none..feel like a cloud follows me around.
I do work and it keeps my mind occupied which I love. I have got friends and can take up offers to get out and about but something holds me back.
I'm gunna try and plan something for this weekend for a change, it's been a while but I want to push myself for sure.
Thank you

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