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My ex, porn and my view of myself now. Can anyone help?

(9 Posts)
Halfwayoranges Sun 12-Jun-16 10:50:55

I broke up with my ex dp over s year ago. We were together for just over two years and lived together. There were many issues towards the end- he lied, problems with his mil, he'd turn his phone off for a day at a time when I was expecting him, and all other strange things that left my emotionally drained and exhausted. After I ended it, within two weeks I felt SO much happier to not have to deal with the emotional mind games.

For the most part, I am ok. In fact, two months after I ended it, he sent me an email apologising for what he had done. I could never be with him again but it felt better that he had acknowledged it.

But there's one thing I can't move past. He was very careful in bed... No real passion. Everything very standard. That was ok and when we did have sex I was ok with that. But j always initiated it abd he claimed he just didn't feel like it and had never been that interested in sex (was always up for a blow job though!). He never once went down on me, and the one occasion he came close, he stopped to get mouthwash. I'd never had any complaints before and I've had two other proper relationships where I would have known if there was a problem down there. It was all quote hurtful but I never questioned him and obviously never wanted to be upset over it because if he didn't want to then that's his choice.

But after I ended the relationship, I'd gone on the shared laptop to remove my documents and photos that I needed on a usb, and it was a Mac so all the previous websites sit in the background in small boxes, all of them were porn. Why would he say he didn't want sex very often if he clearly did want it?? I keep thinking it was me, and my confidence is low because of it. Why would he have done it? I just can't forget it. I've always been very loving and willing to listen etc so even if he thought sex was rubbish we could have talked about it.

Sorry, longer then I anticipated!

smilingeyes11 Sun 12-Jun-16 10:56:57

Him wanting porn and not you is all about him - please don't take it personally. He sounds an awful partner and well done for getting rid.

I could never be with someone who used porn so I can understand your distaste. And someone not interested in sex - well, I wouldn't bother being with someone like that ever.

Why do you think your confidence is low, have you had crap partners in the past, what was your parents relationship like while growing up?

Halfwayoranges Sun 12-Jun-16 10:58:46

It's not so much the porn. More that he watched it a LOT when claiming not to be a very sexual person.

Confidence is low because he chose porn over sex with me.

TheStoic Sun 12-Jun-16 11:01:32

He would choose porn over sex with ANY woman.

The issues are his, not yours.

smilingeyes11 Sun 12-Jun-16 11:32:26

It is the porn though isn't it? Or are you saying you don't mind him using porn as long as he still pays attention to you. But when you had sex with him it was rubbish anyway? I am sure you dodged a bullet. As for your self confidence - well you need to find that yourself, not hinge that upon some porn addicted bloke wanting you.

TheNaze73 Sun 12-Jun-16 11:48:22

I think he was totally using porn as opposed to wanting sex with you. That's a massive kick in the teeth & I understand why you'd be upset. I think there are 2 angles to porn usage. If you have a scenario where a woman or man uses porn & it effects intimacy in a relationship, then it's wrong & harmful. If however, say the male is a three times a week type of guy & the female is a twice a day type & uses it for relief as the sex drives are mismatched, then I don't see a problem. Or male/female vice versa as well

LellyMcKelly Sun 12-Jun-16 18:42:59

Was it straight or gay porn? If gay, perhaps he did have a high libido, just no interest in women.

RebelRobin Sun 12-Jun-16 19:12:40

So he was cold and controlling and almost fridgid in bed, yet watched porn. Mmm, I think the problem is his and you dodged a bullet. Why now are you worried??Are you embarking on a new relationship and worried about it??

DailyMailGOFuckOff Sun 12-Jun-16 19:19:32

I think pork totally skews a guys idea of what he likes and can do in bed. My DH has a porn addiction and he is super insecure in bed because of it - tbh I'm normally the one who "leads" I'm not "ok" with his addiction but it's something we have to work around and I realise now that it's nothing to do with not wanting me. It felt a huge kick in my teeth when I first discovered it as he also hid it and played shy in bed but I think that was part of his shame about it - not wanting to give it away to me by appearing too confident.

It's an addiction, has no reflection on you whatsoever. Don't confuse watching porn with his actual need for intimacy.

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