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To tell OW DH or not?

(59 Posts)
MrsGuyOfGisbo Sun 12-Jun-16 07:07:20

Did not want to derail another thread, but interested to hear what people think.
Should you let the OW H know about a discovered affair?
One ghastly colleague used to boast that he only had affairs with married women as 'you never have an affair with anyone who has less to lose about revealing it.' He wanted to keep his house and kids have his cake and eat it and has discovered - pre social media - an effective formula.
Some years back, a relly was contacted on FB by the OW DH, and was really upset in the immediate emotional shock that he had revealed the affair to her, not knowing anything about her - eg was she with kids at the time, about to drive a long way to a parent's funeral etc etc. But it did being the thing to a head, the DH was remorseful, stopped the affair, they repaired the marriage and he has never had another. After the flak settled she was glad she had been told.
WWYD/WDTD?

Afreshstartplease Sun 12-Jun-16 07:12:49

I would because I think they had a right to know and I would want to be told if it was the other way around

sandgrown Sun 12-Jun-16 07:16:22

When my husband was having an affair I think I would have wanted to be told. I could have frozen our bank account and stopped him clearing it !

PrancingQueen Sun 12-Jun-16 07:27:36

The total humiliation of not knowing when others do, is way worse than the shock of being told IMO.

throwingpebbles Sun 12-Jun-16 07:35:52

I think they ought to be told. How awful to be kept in the dark when others know!

ravenmum Sun 12-Jun-16 07:36:42

When I discovered the affair I also found out that Ow's husband had discovered it 6 months before. I don't blame him for not telling me (we didn't know each other), but if he had it would have saved me 6 months of torture.

timelytess Sun 12-Jun-16 07:48:19

Not. Their marriage isn't your business, yours is.

penisbeakerlaminateflooringetc Sun 12-Jun-16 08:11:27

I'd want to be told.

branofthemist Sun 12-Jun-16 08:19:47

I would want to be told, so I would tell someone.

I would be hurt over the affair and entirely furious and humiliated that the 3 other people involved all knew and no one told me. Wether that's reasonable or not I don't know.

But I would tell ow husband of dh had an affair.

Thegirlinthetrousers Sun 12-Jun-16 08:21:52

I wish someone had told me X

BarbaraRoberts Sun 12-Jun-16 08:24:51

I'm in this situation at the moment.
I have not told the OWs husband

Kirk123 Sun 12-Jun-16 08:34:28

Her partner said he was going to tell me , she told ex that at work next day 😡😡 and ex told me that night in front of our 20 yr old ( I was livid he could of told me alone ) , thank god I found out I could still be living a joke of a marriage ! I have divorced him and I have peace of mind . Tell every time please , women and men of these cheaters deserve the truth 😢

Joysmum Sun 12-Jun-16 08:59:10

The only reason not to tell is self interest.

Whatever you motives for telling, most of us would prefer to know if our partners were having an affair

Therefore I'd tell.

NickiFury Sun 12-Jun-16 09:03:26

I would want to know and I would also tell.

Yeahthatwasme Sun 12-Jun-16 09:17:22

the DH was remorseful, stopped the affair, they repaired the marriage and he has never had another

Sorry but this is utter crap. A repeat cheater WHO BOASTS ABOUT IT AT WORK is never going to change. It's hard wired in their DNA.

What most likely has happened is this he had a shock when his wife found out, for about 3 to 6 months he was in a remorseful Self-interested "don't want to lose my family" zone and managed to keep his cock in his pants until everything settled down. After that, having learnt his lesson about spouting off and the risks of OW contacting people he knew, he is now more careful about it.

I've been in this situation and men who are determined to have affairs can do it very easily if they want to and do it undetected. All that is required is a bit of strategic thinking and an affair partner who fits into what they want.

For example, to hide an electronic trail, set up a single email account you both have access to and communicate by altering a draft email. That way no one knows about the email account and no emails are actually sent.

Meet up for sex during the day when it is easier to lie about where you were. If the man is self employed this is very easy. If he is not, everyone has a lunch hour.

You would be surprised at the creative little ways a man on a mission can come up with.

I would stake a massive amount of money on the fact that the man you speak of OP is actually still having affairs or if this is very recent, will do and will just be hiding it.

UmbongoUnchained Sun 12-Jun-16 09:19:55

Definitely. If I had been told sooner I could have avoided a lot of awful shit.

PirateFairy45 Sun 12-Jun-16 09:23:33

Yes, all parties should know X

Absinthe9 Sun 12-Jun-16 09:24:54

Yes I'd tell. The worst part of finding out about my exH affairs was the humiliation of finding out about all the other people who knew and had not said anything. IMO that means they colluded with him. I don't see any of them now.

NickiFury Sun 12-Jun-16 09:25:30

I do think that if you don't tell then you're kind of helping them to have their affair, you're part of the deceit, obviously through no fault of your own, they've forced you to be.

Lunar1 Sun 12-Jun-16 09:32:40

I'd tell, without question.

pippistrelle Sun 12-Jun-16 09:39:42

The only reason not to tell is self interest.

What self-interest is there in not telling the OW's H that his wife has been unfaithful with your husband? How would it benefit the cheated on wife to say nothing to the cheated on husband? You might, in some circumstances, decide that you will tell the other partner but deciding not to is nothing to do with self-interest.

I don't think I would, on the basis that I can't imagine what's going on in someone else's relationship would be a priority for me at a time like that.

BarbaraRoberts Sun 12-Jun-16 09:41:02

I do realise I'm in the minority.

Its just so hard when you're actually living it. No-one knows how they will react until they're in that position themselves and each situation is different

BarbaraRoberts Sun 12-Jun-16 09:43:19

How would it benefit the cheated on wife to say nothing to the cheated on husband? You might, in some circumstances, decide that you will tell the other partner but deciding not to is nothing to do with self-interest.

For me, it has everything to do with self interest.

OurBlanche Sun 12-Jun-16 09:44:27

I have told. Lost a friend for a couple of years, while she tried to work her way through it all. She now has a far better relationship and we are, again, good friends.

He remains a twat! Fathering kids as and when he (now in his 50s) can persuade some gullible young thing that he is loaded and actually cares!

pippistrelle Sun 12-Jun-16 09:45:34

Quite, Barbara. I'm sure things are tough enough as it is without feeling you have an obligation to a third party.

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