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Sick of miserable DP

(154 Posts)
Justpulltheplaster Sat 11-Jun-16 16:42:08

Back from a disaster of a night away. Where would you like to eat? Not bothered. Shall we go to X? Whatever you want. Even what music do you want to listen to is answered with 'I don't care you choose'

Barely cracked a smile all weekend. Wanted to go back to the hotel early so we did. He was asleep in ten minutes. It was the first night we've had alone in ages, in central London and he couldn't suggest one fucking thing he wanted to do, see or eat.

Driving home and his mate calls, suddenly he's animated, laughing and chatting. I snapped and asked what his problem is and he said 'nothing I've had a good weekend'

Well he might have but I didn't. Get home and he disappears to the gym the instant we walk in the door even though the kids are clamouring to see him.

I honestly think I'd be better off alone. At least I wouldn't have another child to make every bloody decision for.

gamerchick Sat 11-Jun-16 16:43:24

I wouldn't be happy either in your shoes. How are things in general?

WordGetsAround Sat 11-Jun-16 16:45:01

Sounds awful. Is he always like this?i couldn't hack it.

ImperialBlether Sat 11-Jun-16 16:45:47

That sounds pretty miserable. I do hope someone doesn't suggest he's depressed. I wonder whether he thinks you're happy with him the way he is? It's as though he's checked out of the relationship, isn't it?

Shakey15000 Sat 11-Jun-16 16:49:40

How utterly miserable and frustrating to put up with. Two people, in a relationship, on a rare night out, and one acts like they'd rather be anywhere but.

AnyFucker Sat 11-Jun-16 16:50:47

He's not generally miserable though is he ? It sounds like he wants out. Give it to him.

Justpulltheplaster Sat 11-Jun-16 16:53:28

Things are rapidly going down hill tbh.

He has zero interest in me at all although when I say that he says I'm wrong. Example being 'I text to ask how your day was earlier'. The same generic text he sends every bloody day. Hi, how's your day? X

He's only interested in talking about his own stuff, usually someone at work who knows someone who did something. People I've never met or will ever meet! If I start a conversation it's met with a grunt or yeah or no.

I actually left the hotel last night after he fell asleep and walked around central London on my own. ended up getting really tearful at all the couples out together having fun. I honestly can't remember the last time he touched me in an affectionate way other than when you wants sex or is leaving to go out with his mates or go to the gym .

He didn't even get up for breakfast this morning and I ended up sitting there on my own. Just told me to call him and wake him when it was checkout time.

AnyFucker Sat 11-Jun-16 16:55:46

Poor show from him.

Relationships are not meant to be like this.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 11-Jun-16 16:58:15

He doesn't like you. That's obvious.

So why doesn't he end it? Is it because he needs you as his house elf?

You don't like him anymore. So why don't you end it? What's keeping you in it?

LilacInn Sat 11-Jun-16 17:02:56

How many kids do you have with him?

TheNaze73 Sat 11-Jun-16 17:05:20

Sadly, you sound like his problem. Front him on it.

Justpulltheplaster Sat 11-Jun-16 17:20:29

1 together. He is also step dad to my DC. Already got rid of one cheating husband now got a miserable one instead.

What's keeping me with him? I don't know, too good to leave too bad to stay?!

nicenewdusters Sat 11-Jun-16 17:31:15

D'you think he's waiting for you to end it ? He sounds disinterested in you and your life together, but perhaps doesn't have the guts to tell you.

It's a horrible position for you to be in. Don't let him make you feel like you're imagining things when he's Mr Cheerful with everybody else.

If he's adult enough to have a relationship and a child with you he needs to grow up and tell you if he's unhappy.

SandyY2K Sat 11-Jun-16 18:18:20

Have you tried telling him how you feel and what you'd like from him? Like affection? Sometimes they need it spelt out.

cattychatty Sat 11-Jun-16 18:30:00

This was me 20 months ago except no sex either. The best thing I ever did was tell him I wanted out

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-Jun-16 18:30:38

He is a poor example of a partner to you and a really poor example of a stepfather to your child. I would also think that he knows you are unhappy and could not give a monkeys about that fact at all. He is an adult, he does not have to have things spelt out to him now because he is not a child. He is an immature and self absorbed manchild.

If your partner can't even see what it is about him that makes you want to get out, it's time to get out.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Think about it, something has kept you within this to date so what is it.

Honestly, why are you and he still together now?. This relationship is over bar the shouting. Examine your own reasons carefully for you and he being together now. Are you really together now out of habit or even the sunken costs fallacy?.

What do you think your children are learning from the two of you about relationships here, is this really the role model you want to be showing them?. I would sincerely hope not because you would be selling them short as well.

I think he wants you to end it simply because he can then whine to his friends, "oh she left me, boo hoo". He is far too cowardly to end it himself. Do yourself a favour and end this charade before it further goes bad.

AnyFucker Sat 11-Jun-16 18:31:30

You shouldn't need to "spell out" to your so-called life partner that you need respect and affection.

Justpulltheplaster Sat 11-Jun-16 18:48:08

Well under a name change so I can be honest, what do I get?

Practical help and financial support. I've been without both and it's difficult to say the least

A nuclear family.

Moments of satisfaction, it hasn't always been like this obviously.

I feel I'm imagining it. I've said it to him over and over. He's tired/fine/just quiet/I'm imagining it.

SandyY2K Sat 11-Jun-16 18:49:17

AF,

I agree you shouldn't need to, but sometimes common sense isn't all that common.

OP - Your DH seems disengaged from you. The hotel should have been a nice getaway and yet he just couldn't be bothered.

I'm not suggesting threats or ultimatums, but you need to express your dissatisfaction in the relationship and that if things don't improve, that you will need to seriously consider the future of the relationship.

If he doesn't listen and try and get to the bottom of things, then I'd take it as a sign he's checked out of the marriage.

I had a friend who said his DW was quiet and non communicative, until a friend would call then she was all chirpy. He divorced her in the end.

Justpulltheplaster Sat 11-Jun-16 18:50:24

I specifically spelt out my problem with yesterday. Feeling like all the decisions are up to me, he doesn't have any input so it makes me feel like he doesn't even want to be there. He said that's rubbish and he was just letting me choose.

I'm struggling to explain why that makes it seem like he's bored and miserable. Not only that but I then bear the responsibility of the meal is actually shit or he's not having a good time. Because I chose everything

AnyFucker Sat 11-Jun-16 18:52:33

He is setting you up to fail. That is cruel behaviour.

HandyWoman Sat 11-Jun-16 19:02:04

OP he's a lazy, complacent man. I wonder whether he just has ridiculously low expectations for LTR's? Sounds like he's getting a whole lot more out of this than you. He has his house elf, making every day decisions. Choosing and making meals, probably doing all the grunt work and child-rearing. While he gets to swan off to the gym.

Not surprising he's trying to tell you 'you're imagining it'

Fuck that.

I really think you'd be happier alone...

LoserDust Sat 11-Jun-16 19:33:06

OP - my ex husband was like this. It was a miserable existence. Tried to talk to him countless amounts of times. He was just tired/busy/I was paranoid or needy etc.

Until he met someone else of course and then he had been unhappy with me for ages apparently hmm

This was many years ago. I'm happily married now with a DH who has shown me what a relationship should be like. I'm still a little bitter after all these years that I wasted so much of my time living in that kind of marriage. Not saying LTB because I don't know enough detail but certainly don't just let it get brushed under the carpet until it's suits him either

pallasathena Sat 11-Jun-16 20:16:55

I'd detach if I were you and cultivate an air of total nonchalance. Two things I suggest will happen as a direct consequence. One, he'll be puzzled, possibly intrigued enough to pay you some attention and then you can move forward in the relationship or number two, he'll see it as his 'get out of jail' card and you can begin to plan your escape immediately and know exactly where you stand.
I think you deserve a real man not a petty tyrant who dissolves into sulks at every opportunity. There's plenty more fish in the sea o/p.

Justpulltheplaster Sat 11-Jun-16 23:10:04

Handy I understand what you are saying but maybe I've misconstrued the situation a bit.

He isn't lazy, he works very hard and does help around the house with meals and the children. It's just with me he doesn't seem bothered. Detached is a good way to look at it and how it feels.

It reminds me of how it felt with ex towards the end. Just letting him get on with what he wants to do or there is attitude and an atmosphere. For example earlier, we were watching the football. DP was out picking up pizza for dinner. He hates football so he just sat there like a statue when he got back. The whole mood in the house changed. He was being a dick saying 'well they're going to lose they always do I don't know why you're bothering to watch it. Baring in mind DS was really excited about the game he was just being a dick.

He had put my Mac on the floor and the baby was standing on it, I said to DS pick it up before it gets broken and DP said what does it matter you don't look after it anyway it always gets banged around and dropped. It's been dropped three times by the kids all accidents. He then starts saying look dent here, scratch here you nay as well let the baby have it. It was a gift from him to me and feels like he's trying to say I don't appreciate it. It's three years old and has been dropped three times fgs.

Same as with the weather, I was talking to DD about next week and he chips in with well it's going to rain all week so I zwoulfnt bother. But not in a helpful way, more a grumpy way. Then he said well at least you don't have to work outside in it like me, What have you got to sulk about?

It all sounds so stupid written down.

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