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Partner doesn't want a baby(22 Posts)
I am heartbroken. I moved to the other side of the world to be with my partner and only found out recently that he never wants kids. I've realised I would like to have a baby some day. I'm only 23 now but in my 30s I think I would love to have a child. I love him so much and gave up everything to be with him and I feel so torn about what to do. My Mum says I should stay and wait till I actually want to immediately have a baby as he could change his mind and true love is rare. I don't know what to do.
You're very sensible to consider this now, even before you want kids. More sensible than your mum... yeah, let's wait around planning out life around a man who doesn't want what we want, just in case
How did you find this out?
If he told you he wanted kids one say just so you'd move and now you've found out it was a deliberate lie - then end it.
If you were both too young to realise you might have discussed this before the move, he's no more at fault than you.
In that case, if you love him and things are good and you're excited about the move I'd tell him "I love you but I want kids - I'm only 23 so rage doesn't need to be now - but it is what I want, so though I'm happy to have this early 20s adventure abroad with you, you should know that this won't be a long term thing for me" - and then get on with your life, carving out your own career and life, then split from him when you've outgrown him and want to think about a family.
I'm a bit worried that you say you gave up everything to move with him. You should not have done that. Where are the positives for you in this move?
If there are no positives, come home. If there are positives and it's only this current news that makes you a little dramatic with the "everything" then go grab your adventure! Enjoy a new country, follow every new opportunity you have! Stay with him or not, you should make your own happiness in life.
To be honest, if he's about the same age as you, then I'm not surprised he's saying he doesn't want kids.
When I was in my early 20's, I don't recall myself or any of my mates wanting kids at that age even when we had girlfriends at the time.
'Never' is a long time so there's always a chance he might want children in a few years time; just depends if you want to wait around with him to find out.
I think you need to believe him when he tells you that he never wants kids and end it now. You are young but don't waste time - if you spend 5 years with him, you could miss lots of opportunities to meet the right person for you, who wants the same things that you do.
He's just turned 30. He says he doesn't want the financial burden of having a child and also it's a cruel world to be bringing a child into. (I do agree with him on the last point). His upbringing has made him quite self absorbed and he'd rather spend all his money on himself rather than a child. This is his main reason. I think even if I know it's the right thing to leave him, my heart wouldn't allow it. I've had plenty of bad relationships and rubbish dates to know that he is a rare gem.
"my heart wouldn't allow it"
Oh come on - FFS! I know you're really upset right now, but don't be stupid. Your heart doesn't make choices, you do. Take responsibility for yourself.
He's not a rare gem. He's just another man and there are many out there. Some of whom will want the same thing from you in life.
At 23, if you've had "plenty" of bad relationships, you need to start looking at whether you're contributing to that by being attracted to unhealthy relationships, or staying in them ignoring signs.
Perhaps you have a history of bad relationships because you listen to your "heart" when you know it's wrong for you.
Trust yourself here - he's nice, but he doesn't want what you want. Move on.
You're 23, you've barely started having bad relationships yet .
If you're sure you want kids in the future, and he's sure he doesn't, then you need to move on from him - you don't have a future together.
He might be a gem but he's not your gem. The future he wants and the future you want are incompatible. Cut your losses.
The world is full of men who are gems, especially in your early twenties. Find the one who is the right gem for you.
Maybe now you've had a mostly good relationship you will have higher standards for your future relationships so you'll ditch the bad relationships and bad dates quickly before you are trapped or hurt. You can thank him for that and be truly grateful for this time but still choose to move on.
Plus self absorbed and spending his money on himself doesn't sound that gem-like.
You need to dump him and move on. None of this 'my heart won't allow it'. You want to be a mum, you have some growing up to do and part of that is moving on from melodrama like 'my heart won't allow it' that keeps you in silly relationships like this. This man isn't a gem, he's a self-centred and self-absorbed 30-year-old man. There are billions of them on the planet.
You made a mistake in moving for a boyfriend.
Lots of us have made that mistake.
You dump him, come back home, take a long break from dating if you're 23 and have had a load of shit relationships, dust yourself off and find someone who isn't a self-absorbed dick.
Don't wait until you're 30 and want a baby. He won't change his mind and you shouldn't make him or want him to.
I'd personally end the relationship now. That gives you time to meet a man who is on the same line of thinking.
Come back home or make a life for yourself out there. Don't waste your precious years on your man when it will end sadly.
He's unlikey to change his mind at 30. Leave him and find someone while you're young and gorgeous - don't let him take the best years of your life. There are LOTS of wonderful men out there, you're only 23!!!!
"...and also it's a cruel world to be bringing a child into."
People have been saying this since the dawn of time. The world will always be cruel, so for him to use this as an excuse is a bit crap really. But yeah if he's already 30 and saying he doesn't want kids, then perhaps he does mean it.
If he's a rare gem then he would at least consider it as a future possibility and the fact that it is something that you want. Does he think you're a rare gem too?
I think your mother should have told you not to move to the other side of the world at 23 with some bloke after a string of bad relationships frankly. Is she a bit of a hopeless romantic? Has it rubbed off on you? At 30 he's unlikely to change his mind, and a self absorbed man who wants all money and attention on him is unlikely to make a good dad even if he does. He sounds quite sensible to be discounting children on that basis.
I think its a big risk if you stay and hope he will change his mind. When I was 20 and DP was 24 we knew we wanted kids. We would never have had them (been together five years now) then, but it was important to me that we were on the same page. Not wanting them now to not wanting them ever is very different and if he says the latter, that might never change.
I think you're in love with being in love iyswim.
You've moved to the other side of the world and made huge sacrifices. It's hard to go through all that for someone who isn't 'the one'.
A gem is someone who considers your needs as well as his own. A gem is a life partner not someone firmly in the driving seat. Without sounding harsh you really don't know what a gem is yet.
How on earth did you move to the other side of the world for a man and not know he wanted kids, don't you and this rare gem talk? Not everybody is cut out for kids and him not wanting them isn't something he should grow out of. Believe what he says and make decisions on what you know and not what you hope.
Wipe the slate clean, and consider this a lesson learned - don't move across the world for anyone, ever, don't give up any of your independence, and please have the kids chat early on.
FFS, I went on a 3rd date with a guy at 19 and asked if he wanted kids at some point in the future - not with me, with anyone. I had no intention of wasting my time on a childfree person when my goals were different. It's the same as wanting to know if someone likes travelling or hates it and will never step on a plane, or is a closet racist. You need to know these basic values early.
my heart wouldn't allow it
Bloody hell! You sound far too immature to have a child yourself to be honest.
DP sounds self absorbed and is already in his thirties - I doubt he will change his mind.
If you aren't going to leave him over this then why are you posting?
Are you just going to get pregnant accidentally or something?
My sister is in a similar situation she is 20 her partner is 23 and he had recently decided that he never wants marriage or kids despite over the 3 years they have been together talking about engagements and babies. She wants kids and marriage 100% so she's devestated.
I've told her that it maybe that the only way around it is for each of them to find someone who wants the same things as them as much as it will hurt, I don't believe it can ever be true love when one person isn't getting what they need out of the relationship.
I'm experiencing something kind of similar with hubby we already have the perfect family and life style etc but after an unplanned pregnancy which we ended up losing at nearly 9 weeks, my whole body wants a baby so much now I'm hoping it's just the left over hormones .
It's definately hard when you want one and they don't but your heart will know which one you want/need the most. Good luck with whatever you decide ☺
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