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30 weeks pregnant and caught boyfriend arranging to meet another woman...

(42 Posts)
spur999 Fri 10-Jun-16 16:00:18

Any thoughts on what to do?
He reconnected with someone he had an affair with years ago ( when he was with his wife).
He has been pretty crap throughout the pregnancy - I caught him texting arranging to meet up with her - initiated by him although the first part of the conversation was deleted... He says he never did but I am horrified at his ability to lie and deceive me - especially whilst I am pregnant.
His intention to meet her is a betrayal of trust - he thinks that only sex is cheating! I do not agree.
He refused to show me their messages/conversations so I do not know what has been going on and don't believe a word of what he says.
We both have children with previous partners so I am currently trying not to make any rash decisions but I am so angry and feel so betrayed. Is there any point in trying to sort it out - or is it a case of once a cheater...

DonkeyOaty Fri 10-Jun-16 16:12:54

No point really

You don't trust him - with good reason

He refuses to disclose

He's got form

What to do? How easy is it to disentangle living arrangements/finances etc - do you live together, rent, have a mortgage?

adora1 Fri 10-Jun-16 16:19:17

He's actually justifies being a cunt, sorry OP, nothing to discuss unless he can see that what he is doing is hurtful to you, and you pregnant, just awful.

Interesting he cheated on his previous partner. Just not good enough really is it.

RebelRogue Fri 10-Jun-16 16:20:16

1.the trust is broken
2. He is showing no remorse or willingness to cooperate to make this better/go away and talk through it
3. You Have very different opinions as to what classes as cheating,so he's likely to do it again

whimsical1975 Fri 10-Jun-16 16:43:24

If he doesn't think that what he's done is cheating then why won't he let you see the messages between them? He knows very well he's overstepped the boundary!!! I'm sorry OP but this man will never change.

Pearlman Fri 10-Jun-16 17:19:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spur999 Fri 10-Jun-16 17:31:56

Thanks everyone, feeling like a total idiot right now.
He kept saying he hadn't done anything but his intention was to meet with this person - I don't really believe anything that he says anymore. He wouldn't tell me who she is either.
God knows what else goes on in his phone - he is very protective of it at all times...
He then tried to make out that I was out of line checking his phone. This is a tricky one - I felt his behaviour was suspicious and am not proud of myself for doing it.

We are not entangled with our living arrangements - he owes me a fair bit of money - and his children who live here part time. All the kids are still young.

I am so fed up with everything.

Kenduskeag Fri 10-Jun-16 17:38:03

A man who had an affair whilst with his wife... what a catch!

Get rid. You deserve better. Once a cheat, always a cheat.

YesYABU Fri 10-Jun-16 17:38:24

So he's a cock lodger as well? Delightful.

PeaceNotPieces Fri 10-Jun-16 17:38:48

A woman he was seeing when he was with his wife?!?

Alarm bells are ringing!

Very difficult situation to be in with you being so heavily pregnant. Been in a similar situation myself.

The problem / issue you have imo is that he isn't being honest. He won't show you the conversations because there's more to hide.

I'd walk away from him as a partner and hope he turns out to be a better dad than partner.

SandyY2K Fri 10-Jun-16 17:40:29

He's a serial cheat and you're better off without him.

He won't show you the messages because there is likely evidence that he has already cheated on you with her.

Why didn't he go to her when his marriage ended? Is she married? He's addicted to her and could have put you and the baby at risk of diseases. Please see your midwife.

You are in for further betrayal if you stay with him, except he'll hide it better next time.

Don't believe he hadn't had sex with her.

Cabrinha Fri 10-Jun-16 17:44:31

About a year ago I started a thread saying please could we all just stop beating ourselves up about phone checking when we discover shit like this. No, phone checking isn't good. But when your boyfriend is doing this, it utterly wipes out any issue about you phone checking!

I'm so sorry for you sadflowers

I don't see any way back from this. You know he's a cheat, you know he was trying to meet someone he's had cheating sex with before, and he won't show you the messages and is shifting the blaming. This is what he is. A total arsehole.

And he owes you money too hmm

AnchorDownDeepBreath Fri 10-Jun-16 17:46:52

If you read his phone, have you already seen the messages that he's refusing to show you? Or are there more recent ones?

At the end of the day, there's no future here unless you will accept him cheating on you. It might be less traumatic to leave now than when you've got a newborn.

spur999 Fri 10-Jun-16 17:47:05

We haven't had sex in ages so no risk to baby. He literally turned on me when I fell pregnant... its got worse as I got bigger.

I agree - I think its just a matter of time before he does it again. He isn't addicted to her - its a fairly new thing... He just said that they spoke this week and he told her it it couldn't continue... don't worry I don't believe him.

He is a good Dad - definitely not all bad as a person otherwise I wouldn't be with him - but unfortunately turns not a good partner - pretty messed up

SandyY2K Fri 10-Jun-16 17:50:26

How did he turn on you?

purplefox Fri 10-Jun-16 21:39:52

So he would have met up with her if you hadn't caught him?

spur999 Fri 10-Jun-16 22:29:24

He turned on me by refusing sex, intimacy and being critical about my appearance and every other aspect of my character.
He claims he decided not to meet with her after all as he thought she wanted more than a meet up over a coffee. Has deleted all messages and won't tell me who she is.
Apparently because he is so unhappy living with me ( i am too masculine/alpha even though I am 30weeks pregnant) he is open to meeting someone.
My fault?! Not sure how I can be responsible for his feelings and his actions...

VoldysGoneMouldy Fri 10-Jun-16 22:34:05

He sounds like an utterly vile partner. Leave him, you'll be far happier.

He cheated on his wife. He's now intending to meet up with the woman he cheated on his wife with. And he's blaming you for that? Remember how often abuse starts in pregnancy.

RebelRogue Fri 10-Jun-16 22:36:37

You're not. He's making this about you so he can get off scott free. It's basic manipulation to make you doubt yourself. He first tried to blame you for looking,now he's blaming you for straying. There's no response or admission of responsibility ... I'd pack his bags since whether he did something or not,he seems to already have his excuses ready

spur999 Fri 10-Jun-16 22:37:51

Hi, the midwife said that - things have just gotten so bad since falling pregnant! What's that all about anyway?! It's exhausting living like this... He told me I am making him mentally ill..?!

SandyY2K Fri 10-Jun-16 22:42:55

With all that criticism why are you still with him? Seriously, he's no prize. Refusing sex, so if you found a willing sex mate it wouldbe fine in his book I suppose. He didn't want sex with you because he was getting it elsewhere.

Please do not accept this behaviour. I can only assume he wants out of this relationship, otherwise why would he think you'd find such nastiness acceptable? I would expect a man to end it with me if I said those things.

Was this baby planned?

Coparent with him and get out of the relationship.

spur999 Fri 10-Jun-16 22:49:18

Well the baby was planned.
I keep standing up to him and refuse to put up with his behaviour - not just the texting this woman. He just shouts me down when challenged and has said it's too much conflict and confrontation. I am not soft or feminine or motherly enough for him - his wife was softer and feminine and he cheated on her all the time!

AnyFucker Fri 10-Jun-16 22:51:56

Why is he still in your house ? confused

spur999 Fri 10-Jun-16 22:56:00

Trust me I have been trying to get him to leave for months. It's been up and down but i don't think he has anywhere to go...
I have asked him to leave today. I just want some peace from it all.

Only1scoop Fri 10-Jun-16 23:01:50

He needs to go

What a disgusting creature

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