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Relationships

Feel weird about drunken incident with BF

181 replies

FrazzledRick · 10/06/2016 04:48

It's a bit of a weird one. Been with BF about 3 months. Its been lovely, no issues at all. We went away for a long weekend last weekend. On Saturday, we went out and got really drunk. Well, I was really drunk. He seemed less so, he doesn't really take alcohol very well and often gets sick so he doesn't drink much. I'm making it sound like I'm an alcoholic, I'm not, I was just very drunk this night.

After we had gone to bed and fallen asleep he got up to go to the bathroom in hotel room to be sick. I remember coming round and hearing him. I know I should have got up to see if he was OK but I must have still been pretty drunk and as soon as I registered what was going on, I fell back asleep again. I did this a couple of times.

I'm not sure how long it was until he came back to bed, but I woke up again to him lying behind me talking at me, he was repeating "I know you're awake" and calling me a "bitch" and a "cunt" for not getting up to look after him. I felt really weird and pretended to be still asleep.

The next morning was like nothing had happened. He told me he'd got up to be sick and said "you were still asleep though" and I said "yeah, sorry I didn't hear anything."

I can't stop feeling weird about it. What went on there. Was it just alcohol? I actually don't know why I didn't get up to help him. I feel disturbed about his reaction though.

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Heirhelp · 10/06/2016 04:55

Alcohol is not an excuse for behaviour. His behaviour is not acceptable. The mn phrase of 'listen when someone tells you who they are' springs to mind

You say that you don't drink much but if you are drinking enough that it is taking a while for you to register what is going on and you are unable to respond then I think it is a good idea to look at your alcohol consumption. But ditch the bf first.

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FrazzledRick · 10/06/2016 05:00

That's kind of how I feel about it, but then he's been otherwise lovely really?

I'm not worried about my alcohol consumption. I drank too much that night yes and I was going in and out of a deep sleep. But I don't generally drink unless I'm on a night out, I rarely get as bad as that.

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goddessofsmallthings · 10/06/2016 05:04

I would find an incident such as you've described so unnerving that I'd bin him without further ado and consider myself lucky to have had advance warning of his true nature.

In any event, what took place should be more than sufficient to bring any 'honeymoon period' to an abrupt end and I sincerely hope that you won't ignore the writing on the wall.

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FrazzledRick · 10/06/2016 05:11

Is it that obvious? I do feel unnerved but it hasn't felt as clear cut as that because things just went straight back to being great again? Except I've now got this nagging feeling that Wasn't at all acceptable.

And also I don't know how to broach the subject "oh yeah, you know that night? I did hear you being sick and I was awake to hear what you said"

I don't suppose that matters. Thanks for the perspectives

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Heirhelp · 10/06/2016 05:12

Only three months in he should be on his best behaviour. Nobody is horrible all the time, even the worst people are nice at times. Remember abuse always start small and escalated.

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TheStoic · 10/06/2016 05:15

So that's what he's like when he doesn't think you can see/hear him? After 3 months?

Talk about the mask slipping. I can safely say I would never be alone with him again.

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FrazzledRick · 10/06/2016 05:23

He has been on his best behaviour - he whisked me off to Rome for the weekend! I was made up and so surprised, it was amazing.

I think what also makes it surprising is I've known him as a friend a long time before we got together so it seems so out of character.

And like I said its mostly been great. Although we were cuddling up in bed and I told him I loved him, it felt like a really lovely moment, and he groaned and sort of laughed and said "don't say it while we're in bed it's so lame" and I felt like a dick. You know when you just feel crushed and your stomach flips? That surprised me too. He apologised afterwards though.

I have started to have major doubts about him, which upsets me because I thought he was at least a good one

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FrazzledRick · 10/06/2016 05:26

I think it's helping me see clearly to write it all down. They seemed like trivial thjngs in the grand scheme of it but actually I don't think they are

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goddessofsmallthings · 10/06/2016 05:27

It's not necessary to broach the subject as a simple 'it's been fun but it's no longer working for me and I wish you well blah blah' will suffice to end it without any recrimination.

Howver, while I would tell him in person rather than by phone/text/email, I would take the precaution of breaking the news to him in a public place and preferably NOT in a pub/bar where alcohol may serve to cause unnecessary expansiveness.

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bestcatintheworld · 10/06/2016 05:27

No sorry, that would be a deal breaker. Scary.

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SomeonesRealName · 10/06/2016 05:27

I think you're absolutely right to be concerned and if you can walk away at this stage you will likely save yourself a great deal of pain in the future. That's not normal drunk behaviour. Are you OK OP?

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SomeonesRealName · 10/06/2016 05:29

I don't mean "can" - you absolutely can. I just mean it's good that you have discovered his true nature at such an early stage.

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SpinyCrevice · 10/06/2016 05:30

OP are you normally given to understatement? He calls you a bitch and a cunt under circumstances where you say he actually had not had that much to drink and you say you have a nagging feeling it wasn't acceptable!!
In your shoes I would have pretended that he woke me up at that point and hoofed it out PDQ but you are where you are.
Basically the problem is how to dump him without him knowing the incident is the reason why surely. You can't seriously consider continuing to see him surely? If he was utterly shitfaced to the point of unable to stand, it would be a tiny bit different not really but he was, as a PP said, just letting his mask slip I reckon.
LTB but don't tell him why.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 10/06/2016 05:35

This is exactly how abuse can start. Lovely lovely lovely then testing your boundaries then lovely lovely lovely. 'Cunt' and belittling your feelings within three months? No no no.

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FrazzledRick · 10/06/2016 05:41

Ha! I suppose I am a little prone to understatement generally. It's not that I don't see it's not acceptable, it's just that I suppose I felt guilty and maybe not surprised he was pissed off. I think the nice thing to have done was to get up and see if he was OK. I was drunk and in and out of sleep, but I guess I could have, I don't really know why I didn't. So I am excusing him a little I suppose, in that I understand why he was annoyed and was thinking maybe the language could be attributed to drink.

But actually I don't want that. I don't call people names when I'm drunk, I do the opposite! I sort of do think he's not who I thought he was.

I know he loves me though. He's pursued me for years, so I can't fathom why he did that.

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FrazzledRick · 10/06/2016 05:43

Thank you all for your responses by the way, it's really helping

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goddessofsmallthings · 10/06/2016 05:45

I freely admit that when I'm home alone I sometimes mutter away to the cat myself and engage in robust conversations with policitians on the tv, but I find thought of someone talking to themselves in derogatry terms about me while I feigned sleep slept beside them utterly chilling as it's akin to a script for a horror movie where the heroine is taken in by a charmer only to discover that he's a mentally unhinged murderer who's escaped from an asylum.

Something like this turns the old adage of 'actions speaking louder than words on it's head and, in the interests of self-preservation, I'd have no hesitation in heeding the words and taking the necessary action.

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FrazzledRick · 10/06/2016 05:45

And bless you someones! Thanks, yeah I am ok Flowers

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FetchezLaVache · 10/06/2016 05:46

This is exactly how abuse can start. Lovely lovely lovely then testing your boundaries then lovely lovely lovely. 'Cunt' and belittling your feelings within three months? No no no.

Beautifully put, MrsTP.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 10/06/2016 05:46

The gendered swearing is a tell. I can imagine saying something if I was drunk and DH was being awful. But 'cunt'? It's really hateful when used as a swear word in anger. And speaks to something about how he sees women. Along with the Rome trips and pursuing you for years. There something about that that makes me nervous. Mother, maiden, whore stuff I think.

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FrazzledRick · 10/06/2016 05:48

I know it's not supposed to be funny goddess but your way of writing that has just made me chuckle.

But...and not in his defence or that it makes any difference...to be fair he wasn't talking to himself, he was talking to me, he was convinced I was awake and could hear him...and...I WAS!!!!!!

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AyeAmarok · 10/06/2016 05:49

I too think he doesn't sound like a particularly nice guy. And that is compounded by the reaction to the "love you" thing - why would you go out of your way to try and make someone feel shit at what is a bit of an emotionally vulnerable time?

Unless you're a dick who gets a kick out of knocking people down to keep them on their toes, or grateful enough with the crumbs you throw them when you decide to be nice because you want something.

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WelshMoth · 10/06/2016 05:50

I know he loves me though. He's pursued me for years, so I can't fathom why he did that.

Don't feel obliged to enact the 'love story' especially if those around you are part of the 'it was meant to be' scenario .

He did that because his mask slipped when he was a little drunk. He is showing you who he really is. Please listen to him.

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FrazzledRick · 10/06/2016 05:52

Yeah, I hate "cunt" used like that too MrsT and I am surprised he used it, and bitch as well. It really isn't like the version of him I know.

Maybe the mask is slipping so soon because he has had it on for so long before we got together? I'm not sure about the mother, maiden, whore stuff, but I do feel sometimes that maybe all my little quirks that were at first really endearing are not so cute to him now we are together.

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goddessofsmallthings · 10/06/2016 05:56

I know he loves me though'

You are deluded so wrong, OP. This man has no respect for women and his words indicate that he despises you.

If I was sleeping with a guy who knew that too much alcohol made him sick and then proceeded to exceed his limit with the inevitable result, I'd expect him to do his throwing up in private and return with a wry smile on his face while berating himself for his stupidity.

I'll cheerfully attend to children who are being sick, but I prefer to stay away from adults who have their heads in toilet bowls as it makes me heave.

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