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Can anyone help me with getting my head around my dad

(5 Posts)
BrandNewAndImproved Thu 09-Jun-16 20:59:35

My dad has had clinical depression since before I was born. It's had a huge impact on my life.

He was abused by an older rich man in his teens and has never gotten over it. Partly because he feels guilty as he didn't tell anyone and end it sooner so other boys were abused, partly because he was one of the favourites and ended up liking the attention and money he was receiving (he was in their sick magazines) and he now hates himself for it. He also saw how the others who weren't favourites were treated and it was all a big mess really.

He's tried to kill himself on numerous occasions, he kept himself distant from me because he was so say afraid of abusing me (he told me this and he ended up receiving treatment from the mental hospital for this), he was a shit dad the older I got the worse he got.

He's blamed me in the past for being a bitch when I said something fairly nasty to him (after him abandoning me for his second wife and her dc). He told me he couldn't stop cutting himself after I said what I said and wandering around trying to find a bridge to jump off of.

I ended up in care because between him and my dm neither of them wanted me. This wasn't my fault. My dad has always told me about wanting to kill himself and generally over sharing information not really meant for young children.

Oh and at 3 I was sexually abused by an old man who lived in my grandparents residential home they ran and my dad did nothing about it. Neither did his parents and he was allowed to live there until he died but he wasn't allowed to talk to me or be in the same room as me. My sister was also sexually abused my our then step dad and again he didn't do anything about it or even seem to be angry on our behalf.

Anyway he left me to be put in care, ran away to bath, stopped having my dsis and dbro eow and ignored all contact with his mum (my lovely nanny who has always been there for me) and dad until his dad died. He now sees my nan every now and again, rings me sporadically and we have met up twice in the 3 years since we got back into contact.

There is an ongoing court case about the abuse he suffered and he wants me to read his witness statement. All he does is talk about this or about what an awful teenager I was (I was but with good reason it sucks not having parents who love you and I didn't have a good mum either). Hes so draining and when I do see or speak to him (he's sometimes at my nans when I go around) he really upsets me.

Should I forgive him for being a shit dad with the extenuating circumstances? I don't think I can but yet I'd love to have a father daughter relationship. Should I read his witness statement, I don't want to but he really wants me to. It turns my stomach if I'm honest and I'd prefer to not think about what that man did to my dad. I also don't know how to talk to him when he's repeating the same sob story over and over. He uses this as the reason why everything he's done wrong isn't his fault.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Fri 10-Jun-16 04:01:09

Your dad's suffering doesn't cancel out your suffering

I'm so sorry that you had such a difficult childhood. You suffered, regardless of the reasons behind your dad's actions/ lack of actions, and it is understandable that you are upset and disappointed with your parents

I wouldn't want to read that witness impact statement. I don't understand why he is talking about you as a teenager in it- is that relevant?

If he needs to talk about this he can access therapy/ counselling, and stop using you as an untrained counsellor. A professional will encourage him to gradually move forwards in his thinking. It is not fair and not appropriate to persistently rely on your children for this kind of support

BrandNewAndImproved Fri 10-Jun-16 06:37:35

He's had years and years and years of counselling. I don't believe he will ever get better although if the man is convicted he might get closure from it. The police have put him in for a different type of counselling and apparently he says he feels better for it and can stop his downward spirals being so bad.

Every single phone call is the same, hi brand sorry I haven't rung you in so long but blablabla.

No he's not talking about me in it (although he has said I am as part of the impact this has had on his life) he's talking either about me as a teenager or about his abuse.

Am I a completely heartless cow in that I can't stand anymore of his pity party. Yes something awful happened to you but so what shit happens and most people don't mess up their dcs lives by wallowing in it. I had a rubbish childhood but yet I'm an excellent mum because I love my dc. This does really upset me.

SpinyCrevice Fri 10-Jun-16 06:49:22

I think you should stay out of contact with him. The fact that he is still banging on about you as a teen indicates that he over analyses every damn thing to the detriment of those around him. I would suggest that it is this and the fact that he thinks the world should revolve around him when it apparently doesn't has led to his depression. You have had an appalling time when you are in contact with him. You owe him nothing but you do owe it to yourself to make life as comfortable as you can for yourself from now on. He sounds like a classic narcissist which would have led him to behave the way he did (taking the money/not reporting the abuse). Not your problem though.

BrandNewAndImproved Fri 10-Jun-16 07:35:16

The world does have to revolve around him you're right. I'm not sure I can contact again although we are very low contact atm as I would feel guilty for doing that.

He has tried this year, Christmas he left money for me and my dc at my nans for me, easter he had eggs for us, flowers on mothers days and he rang me around my birthday.

I don't really know what I want from him. Sometimes I think it would be easier if we just didn't speak again and other times I wish he did act like a proper dad. I also feel if I cut him off he'll try and commit suicide again and he might do it properly for once.

His suicide attempts are not serious. They are for attention. He used to ring my dm and say help me I feel like driving my lorry off this cliff but in his own words he's a coward and can't do it.

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