Strong relationship, but been ripped apart

[Rosewine72]

I finally found who I think is the right man for me, known him for 4 years nearly and lived together for a year. The only problem is he has pyscho ex 😞 She has caused so many problems, telling lies about me to her dcs to turn them against me, accusing me of running her over, swearing at me infront of the children, encouraging her dd to send me nasty texts and gloating to everyone. She told her sister she was going to split us up but just because she's not happy so she wants my dp to be unhappy. She sees the dcs when it suits her, and even then she's always bringing them here for this and that disrupting our day/weekend .
I have said I'm moving out as I just can't take anymore but dp talks me into staying as he said it lets her win, but his dcs are rude to me, his ex has got it in for me it's a nightmare. Does anyone else have these types of problems or is it just me?

[Jan45]

This won't get better, it will get worse, the kids will always take her side even when they know she's making up shit about you.

I'd move out if I was you and just date him, you don't need abuse from her or her children, they are never going to accept you anyway, she has made sure of that.

[LineyReborn]

It doesn't matter what problems others have, does it? What matters is that you want to leave. And I would leave, if I felt like you did.

[BothBarrels]

My relationship has been overshadowed by my partner's ex at times so I understand how this can grind you down, although mine was different to your situation as there are no children involved and, crucially, my partner changed the way he reacts towards his ex and put boundaries in place.
This has helped, as there was a lot of emotional manipulation going on when we first got together and it was clear to me he hadn't severed his ties. My digression is because I'm wondering how much of her behaviour does your partner tolerate or excuse, and is that what the problem is?

Also is your relationship otherwise happy?

[IthinkIamsinking]

Did you meet your DP when he was still with his ex? Your DP needs to be dealing with the kids rudeness and attitude to you as an absolute minimum. Not sure how much leverage he would have with his ex. I certainly wouldn't stick around to be treated like this. Give him an ultimatum and stick to it. He needs to show he is actively doing something or you will be off. Nobody should have to out up with this.

[Rosewine72]

When I met my dp he had been separated for 6 years , there wasn't really any problems that involved me until we moved in together so the last year or so. He is taking her to court which will hopefully stop the messing about and the fact she's irresponsible but it's not going to stop the manipulation is it, they have gone to their mums till Monday now, so will be quiet till then but I never know how they will be when they come back!

[Rosewine72]

Hopefully taking her to court will put the boundaries in place, it's hard with the children though , they are being messed with , used as pawns, manipulated but it's really hard on me too as I'm the big bad wolf in their eyes !

[PolaroidsFromTheBeyond]

It's often said on MN that the ex isn't the problem, your DP is the problem. And I'm inclined to agree. Why isn't he demanding that his children are polite to you in your own home? Why do you need to have any contact with her at all?

Really think about this. Does it matter if she 'wins'? Is it important in the scheme of things? Because you don't really 'win' if you stay do you? You sound utterly miserable. If 'winning' means you have to stay in a house where your partners kids can swear at you with impunity and send you abusive texts and his ex makes up lies about you, I think I'd rather lose.

[PolaroidsFromTheBeyond]

*By 'her' I mean the ex not partners kids if case that wasn't clear.

[newname99]

It's really unlikely to get better. Generally it seems that step mums have a harder time than step dads so I doubt your partner can put himself in your shoes.

It's in his interests to keep you as next woman is likely to get the same treatment.

I tolerated something similar until the ex divorced her 2nd husband and I remember the stress. It's seriously damaging and looking back I regret not walking away sooner but I truly thought it would quieten down.Actually after court she was worse, she ramped up the bullying by proxy.i e through the dc's.Dsd told us get mum and her roleplayed how to be unpleasant to me.I was not the OW, the ex was engaged to 2nd husband when I met dh.

If you have no ties with your partner I would move out whilst you are still sane! Try dating and detaching from the situation.Life is short and shouldn't be wasted on other people's drama.

[Rosewine72]

Newname that sounds horrendous, why are people like this?? Yeh this woman is married again but my dps whole family tell me how awful his ex is. I do blame my dp for letting his dd be rude and troublesome , I pointed it out and he didn't really take it on board until I started receiving texts , now he has stood up to her but there is only so much I can take. I saw his brother today he gave me a big hug and reassured me everything will be ok, but u know he hasn't got to live it, his mum is lovely too and has told us to stick together but again it's not her living it. Loads has happened too much to put on here. I know my dp feels responsible for it we've both been in tears at one point and it's put a big strain on our relationship. Unfortunately I can't just move out like that either, we own our house jointly I've moved my kids schools to be with him and they are really happy! I still love my dp but I feel so miserable too

[LineyReborn]

It really sounds like you need a break from this. Even a few days.

[Rosewine72]

Well Liney I am going to a friends for the weekend so I'm looking forward to that x

[LineyReborn]

Good. Have a rest, and a laugh, and when you're ready have a think.

[Kenduskeag]

Things need to be reshuffled so you have no contact with his ex. Block her number so she cannot text you. If she physically shows up, that's very odd and harassment, take steps to report her behaviour. Your DP absolutely needs to be the one to ensure his children treat you with respect - if they can't, don't spend time with them. It doesn't matter what they think of you, really, if they keep it to themselves.

Many partners tick along without ever meeting their partner's exes; you've gotten entangled in this one but you could lay out all the manners in which she can get to you and see which can be undone.

[Rosewine72]

The problem is kendu my son goes to the same school as her daughter so our paths cross there sometimes, there has been some trouble there but most of the time I avoid her if I can , jump out get my son and jump back in the car. Also when she takes the dcs to school which is twice a week normally she always comes around the house saying dd has forgotten this that or the other or they too early can dd come around for 10 mins. She always does this on loud speaker infront of the dcs so he feels he cannot say no, but then she is right outside the door when I'm leaving to take my dd to school, and her dds will just ignore me which might sound nothing to some people but it does get to me, sometimes there is arguments but not often, but I feel it's my house too I don't want her round the house all the time , why can't she just get them to school herself like the rest of us . She'd lives half an hour away so this is why sometimes they are a bit early but I'm absolute sick of it! Dp is putting this in the court order btw. I do feel she does this deliberately sometimes but the dcs see it as they can come round when they want as its their home why would they think anything different really , it's down to their mum to not come here really and my dp to set boundaries! I've told him I can't have that and why should she be coming around all the time , if she does get her youngest to school my dp will get a phonecall to say I can't get dc out the car etc. Once while we were on holiday in Corfu she rang him to tell him she get them to do this that the other, he was like well what do u want me to do here! This is why we end up having them with us most of the time, she unfortunately doesn't seem to be able to cope with them and can't control her jealousy , she has admitted to others she is going to split us up! She will do anything !

[Rosewine72]

I'm thinking I will lay out some issues and what I expect and if these aren't met I'm leaving.
He has to set boundaries regarding his ex coming round the house all the time .
He has to put his foot down when his dcs are rude to me.
Tell his ex to stay away from me at the school.
Proceed with the court order.

Anything else?

[LineyReborn]

That sounds like a good list to start with.

Why did they split up, do you know? She really sounds like she has no insight whatsoever into the end of her first marriage.

[Rosewine72]

She had an affair but there was a lot more to it, she left them all for 3 months just disappeared including another child from another relationship , just left them with my dp , she wanted to come back but he said no and they had quite a messy divorce. I think she was quite difficult and moody and fiery and she seemed to fall out with everyone, but she is attractive and that's obviously what he fell for

[EarthboundMisfit]

I'm confused...where do the DCs live?

[Rosewine72]

Well it's supposed to be 50/50 share, but she sometimes wants them and sometimes doesn't !

[EarthboundMisfit]

:'(

[LineyReborn]

Yeah, definitely no insight and still blaming him for The End Of It.

[Rosewine72]

Well she doesn't take any blame for anything, always plays the victim hence her kids always feel sorry for her and think it's me that's caused everything!!!!!

[QuiteLikely5]

Get contact set in stone and do not deviate from it at all.

Provide her with an email address and advise her that's how contact will be from now on

Do not parent the children - leave that to their father

When they stay, get yourself out with friends and let dad have alone time with them

Better still consider staying in the relationship but only from the safety of your own place so you are not involved in the dramas

This does not mean his ex has won it means you are sensible enough to get away from drama

[daisychain01]

I sense you are getting sucked into all the baggage and it is understandably doing your head in.

Definitely discuss that list of boundaries and aspects of support your DP needs to provide if the relationship stands any chance of surviving.

IME, and I know how lucky I was, a united front was critical, during the worst years following my now-DHs separation. His ex would have loved to have made us split up, we were strong enough to survive it!

Literally the only only way for it to get better is for your DP to be proactive in stopping his DC being disrespectful towards you and placing very clear boundaries around what his Ex can do, especially in not stepping a foot near your house or having any contact with you.

Try to separate yourself from any of the irrelevant minutiae that can suck the life out of anyone. You're on a hiding to nothing trying to build much of a relationship with them, they have probably already been so negatively skewed against you, their opinion is already formed. All you can do now is damage limitation and ensure you support your DP having a loving relationship with his children.