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I'm pregnant but my partner doesn't want to keep the baby

(106 Posts)
user1465471993 Thu 09-Jun-16 12:47:59

I am 30 years old and am 7 weeks into an unplanned pregnancy with my partner of 3 years. We live together and his daughter from his previous marriage aged 5 lives with us half the week.

We had unprotected sex and discussed the options, we agreed that now wasn’t quite the right time as we were planning to do a trip together in Jan. I took the morning after pill but became pregnant anyway.
I was really pleased about the pregnancy, I have realised just how much I wanted a child of my own since becoming a stepmum figure to his daughter and how important family is to me. My partner was initially happy about the news, but since we discussed money and the practical side of it he has now changed his mind and has started saying he wants me to have an abortion.

Before this happened we had talked about children in the future, initially he said no he did not want any more (he never wanted his daughter or any children to begin with but since she started talking and became a real personality, he can’t see her enough and absolutely adores her). Gradually through our relationship he eased up as could see how important it was to me and how good we are as a family. We agreed to think about it in a couple of years time, and after taking the morning after pill he even suggested trying next year after our trip away.

Since I became pregnant I have asked him what he really thinks, at first he was happy to go with the flow, he even told his parents at 6 weeks and they were very happy. But since we started discussing the reality of finances, he has gone cold on the idea and feels pressurised.
I work full time on a decent salary £23,000 pa but my partner only earns £800 per month as a part time evening worker in entertainment. He likes to spend his day time doing his hobbies outdoors and does not want to work any more than is absolutely necessary, he has made this very clear.

I will be down to statutory maternity pay when I leave work and it will be a struggle to pay the rent and bills on this and his £800 a month salary. He says he doesn’t have enough money to support us, or to save, and suggested that I will have to go to work before the six months are up which really upset me. He says he is willing to compromise and do things he doesn’t want to do, such as babysit whilst I work in the day, but that he doesn’t like babies and will find it stressful. (He did this with his ex as she was also the main earner). He says he wants the abortion because I will use the baby as an excuse to push him in a direction workwise that he does not want to go down, ie working more.

I feel like he is just a bit lost career wise and isn’t prepared to give up his free time to take on the responsibility of a baby. I cannot see myself aborting the pregnancy, I know it would be the end of our relationship if I did and also that I would feel so regretful. I wouldn’t be able to be around his daughter, it would just cause me pain. My instinct is have this baby no matter what, and as I have always been surrounded by positive strong females who have achieved so much on their own I feel confident. That is obviously the worst case scenario. Am I being selfish? Any advice appreciated x

MustStopAndThinkBeforePosting Thu 09-Jun-16 12:54:36

No you are not being selfish. He is.
This man-child doesn't want to grow up, wants no responsibility or dependants, so he can work part time and focus on leisure pursuits.
Absolutely do keep the baby if you want to. Your body, your choice. He made his choice when he chose to ejaculate without a condom on, that is done and dusted now.
I wouldn't recommend keeping the man-child though.

dworky Thu 09-Jun-16 13:04:50

He's the selfish one for not using contraception, despite not wanting a child. He now needs to step up & deal with that consequence.

jollygoose Thu 09-Jun-16 13:37:32

You clearly want this baby so I think to have an abortion to please him would damage your mental health. However little you have to manage on you will cope. This manchild needs to step up if not go it alone.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 09-Jun-16 13:39:33

£800 per month!?
How the hell does he support his child?
Or do you do that?
He's a cocklodging man child.
Keep the baby - get rid of this waste of space 'man'!

Choceeclair123 Thu 09-Jun-16 13:44:34

Keep your baby and get rid of the knob head x

goddessofsmallthings Thu 09-Jun-16 13:46:03

Are you renting or buying and is the tenancy/mortgage agreement in your joint names or in your sole name?

If the latter, I suggest you tell him to leave no later than this coming weekend and let him find out how far his £800 a month will go when he has to act like a responsible adult provide for himself and rent a property that's suitable for his dd.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 09-Jun-16 13:49:12

He maybe a cocklodger

But the op knew what he was like, he hasn't lied to anyone he's been blatantly honest about everything

It's not ideal but he's entitled to work part time and pursue his hobbies if he wants to, if women bare him children and accept this is what he's like, then that's on them.

Op Huge congrats on your pregnancy but sadly the dad you chose to have your child with is part time in every sense of the word. He has told you who he is, you or anyone who try's to change him is on a loser no matter what.

To others he maybe selfish, but it changes nothing, only you can make your future choices just like he has, have your baby and don't rely on him, because he doesn't want you too.

It's sad but he has hidden nothing, so everything is now on your terms, start making your own choices
And best of luck. flowers

PeaceNotPieces Thu 09-Jun-16 13:50:27

He sounds incredibly selfish to me.

He doesn't want to babysit? Well I would see red if my DH said that to me about our children....

If I were you I would take on board and appreciate (slightly) that he is being completely honest with you.

Then I would ditch him. He didn't use a condom and now doesn't want responsibility. I think if his parents knew what he'd said to you they'd be ashamed.

It's hard to say what's the best thing to do with re the baby. If you stay together and you have the baby, from what you've said he'll be a pita and dig his heels in. No new mum needs a man child to look after. You would have enough on your plate.

If you keep the baby and separate, it would be a struggle at first but with help and support from your family and friends-lots of single mums do it. And you'd be a fantastic mother figure.

If you aborted, at least now you realise how much you would like a child. And unless your happy to have a thirty year old child, I think you need to dump the man.

Best wishes X

P1nkP0ppy Thu 09-Jun-16 13:57:02

I presume you're subsidising him big time if all he contributes is less than £200/week and pays maintenance to his DD's mother?

He needs to buck his ideas up pdq, he certainly doesn't sound reliable or supportive, and his honestly is pure selfishness.

Dump him, he'll never be a good father to the child he wanted aborted.
sad

acatcalledjohn Thu 09-Jun-16 14:00:36

He was willing to take the risk, knowing the MAP is not 100%. You are now the only one who matters on the basis that this is your body and your risk we are now talking about. Whether that risk be a continued pregnancy or abortion doesn't matter.

He needs a serious reality check. Who the fuck does he think he is being willing to take the risk but not being willing to deal with the potential outcome? To expect you to go through something as traumatic as abortion? He's seriously lost touch with reality.

I would ask him: Why do you think you have a say in what I do with MY own body?

His answer will be telling. If his worries about money trumps your physical and mental wellbeing in his mind, you really need to think hard whether you have a future regardless of this pregnancy.

user1465471993 Thu 09-Jun-16 14:34:47

We rent the property we live in so there's no mortgage concerns. Only the problem that I would like to save to be a home owner in the future and so have been saving for that (on my own) his parents gave him £10,000 before for a deposit so he has some savings already.

I don't support him financially although split costs for things like meals out and holidays when we take his daughter. He never treats me :-(

Whilst his attitude is selfish, he has been honest about his lifestyle choices. Really we should never have continued this relationship to the point it is now at. He shouldn't have told me we could have a baby in a couple of years if he didn't mean it. And I should have faced the truth that he is unlikely to ever change and do I want a child with such an unsupportive partner. I put pressure on him before we moved in together about work as he would be coming off benefits, suggesting he do an electrical certificate or another vocational qualification to extend his earning potential, but he felt pressurised by me and refused to consider it.

I think he feels tricked into the pregnancy as we were practising natural birth control at the time and I got the fertility timings wrong (I realised after and took the morning after pill straight away) but he knew the risks and how much I wanted a baby so yes he could have used more protection.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Thu 09-Jun-16 14:36:58

Oh good lord he's a prize twat isn't he?
Keep the baby and lose the man child.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 09-Jun-16 14:49:15

Just noticed this thread, I have posted on your duplicate on the Pregnancy board. I will duplicate my post here:

"He likes to spend his day time doing his hobbies outdoors and does not want to work any more than is absolutely necessary, he has made this very clear."
WTF? And you've bought into this fantasy? We ALL need to work - work is what pays for the food on the table, the clothes on our backs and the roof over our head. If he wasn't with you, how would he achieve all these necessities of life? He'd either have to work more, or starve.

"I feel like he is just a bit lost career wise"
No, he isn't. He really isn't. He's telling you who he is, listen to what he's saying! He prioritises his hobbies over his future, and is happy to find a compliant woman to subsidise his living costs.

"Its as though his claims of 'I never wanted this, you did' are there to justify his behaviour."
Yes they are. He doesn't want to shoulder responsibility for his life or his choice to have unprotected sex. He will parrot that it was your choice not his every time a reasonable person would be expected to do something, be it change a nappy or earn a living. It will be a stick to beat you with. Because all he wants from life is the freedom to do his hobbies whilst someone else deals with the sordid business of providing food/clothes/roof for this special snowflake.

No your relationship will not survive if you abort for the reasons you've already thought through. But nor will it survive if you have the baby, because he will resent being expected to be an self-sustaining adult.

Do not carry this parasite.

Stardust160 Thu 09-Jun-16 14:58:42

It seems fine a pattern here op the fact that his previous DP was a high earner. It sounds like he hasn't grown up and his GFs are the role of his mother. The fact his parents would give him a limp slim suggests he's never been finacially independent. Does he work the near minimum to avoid maintenance?

SeaCabbage Thu 09-Jun-16 15:12:15

You both seem to want completely different things in life so it looks like this is the end of the road for your relationship.

However, I beg to differ with regard to your pregnancy. Personally I would have an abortion and wait to have a baby with a more suitable partner. Whilst I am sure you are a strong woman and would cope one way or another, why tie yourself to this man for the next 18 years? The child would have a lazy, reluctant man for a father and you would have 18 years of no doubt difficult arrangements with regard to his contact time with the child. It sounds sad.

Wouldn't it be better to start afresh, you are only 30!

user1465471993 Thu 09-Jun-16 15:14:16

No he doesn't deliberately earn the minimum, he just hasn't tried to get more work. His ex hasn't asked him for maintenance, maybe if she pressurised him more it might force him into action. He works two jobs but both are part time. He was only doing one but then got handed the other by a friend so it wasn't secured on his own initiative. He seems to struggle with balancing any more than one thing at a time and he gets stressed and forgetful. I needed clarity on his earnings and asked so we can plan financially, the £800 is an estimate. This is how it all kicked off...

user1465471993 Thu 09-Jun-16 15:17:31

Seacabbage I don't think I can do it, I just don't think I can live with the regret, I know myself and my mind and I think I would suffer mentally in a huge way. I don't know. Its so difficult, especially with pregnancy hormones. I fell guilty even thinking vaguely of termination.

memyselfandaye Thu 09-Jun-16 15:19:01

He need's to get off his lazy arse and pay for the two kids he's going to have.

Keep the baby and get rid of the manchild.

2nds Thu 09-Jun-16 15:20:44

I'd pack his bags

Cabrinha Thu 09-Jun-16 15:42:45

I would abort and ditch the loser.
Even if you don't abort, I'd advise you to ditch him - he is not going to make you happy.
But when you do your sums to decide about going ahead, factor in that you'll not get maintenance.
And next time, natural planning methods are not suitable for people who don't want to be pregnant AND won't go for the last resort of abortion. It really is not reliable enough even when you don't make a mistake.

expatinscotland Thu 09-Jun-16 15:47:36

I'd get rid of him and keep the baby. You don't want an abortion. Don't have one.

user1465471993 Thu 09-Jun-16 15:53:15

Whilst I agree he is work shy , he is great with his daughter, he takes her out all the time to galleries, museums, on walks, to parks, does homework with her each night and cooks the dinner for us all. He really does dote and spoil her and can't bear to be away from her for more than a couple of days. As he has her 50% of time I think he values his time off from parenting (who wouldn't) and I can see he has cold feet about not having that break. But his parents live nearby and it will be less intense with two children after a while as they will play together and demand less attention. Its a tough one as he is a good parent emotionally and time wise, just not financially.

user1465471993 Thu 09-Jun-16 15:57:08

Yes I wouldn't have done natural planning if I was absolutely avoiding pregnancy. I was happy to fall pregnant but after discussion with partner about the possibility I took the morning after pill as a precaution as agreed now was not the best time but maybe next year...but I don't really see the difference really, just that we don't get to do a nice holiday but that is not a priority to me compared with this.

Uptownfuckuup Thu 09-Jun-16 15:59:31

babysit ????????

it is impossible to babysit your own children

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