Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ready to give up again...

(12 Posts)
Snowfire Thu 09-Jun-16 10:37:57

Long story short I've been single for the majority of my life. I've worked hard, have a good job, nice home and a teenager who I have a great relationship with. I work out and look after myself and think I'm a pretty good egg really.
When I turned 40 I thought maybe it was time to find myself a man. Frankly I would love to have someone who could be a friend and lover to spend time with. Is this really asking a lot?
So I started internet dating last autumn. Since then I have been on a series of dates which is rather taking its toll emotionally. Some have been good, others terrible. The most recent is a little younger than me, good looking, funny and we share a lot of interests. We went on a few dates and the chemistry was electric, we ended up in bed together and had pretty good sex (maybe a bit quick but he was a quite excitable).
Fast forward a week and he's got cold feet.... Says things are going too quick and he doesn't know if he's ready for a relationship. He says he thinks I'm amazing and doesn't know what I see in him and he's worried people will think he's not good enough for me 😒 I've told him we can just slow it down and spend some time together as friends but I don't know if I'm setting myself up for a fall.
Part of me wonders if I should just chill and see what happens or should I just knock it on the head now... I'm supposed to be seeing him at lunchtime.

TheNaze73 Thu 09-Jun-16 10:40:13

I think you need to chill big time. He's being direct & honest with you & sounds like he has his head screwed on. Enjoy your lunch, have a laugh, look forward no further than the next date & enjoy

CapsicumCat21 Thu 09-Jun-16 11:27:20

From experience Snowfire I'd just see how it goes and prepare yourself for it not going anywhere.

Slightly older than you but had some experience of OLD and there does seem to be a particular thing with men that when it looks like it could get serious they run for the hills usually with a version of 'it's not you it's me line'.

I think the men I'm attracted to tend to have pretty full and interesting lives and in their mind they would like 'a friend and lover' to spend time with but the truth of the matter is they realise they don't want to compromise their lives in any way and there just isn't room for a relationship.

Not sure if that may resonate with you?

Good luck anyway smile

Snowfire Thu 09-Jun-16 14:32:56

Well I've just got back from seeing him, turns out he might be getting back with his ex... Bloody men!

CapsicumCat21 Thu 09-Jun-16 18:07:52

Oh snowfire had that one too sad.

It seems there's nothing better to reignite a dead relationship than finding out your ex has met someone else (the voice of bitter experience - in my case they'd allegedly been split for 18 before he met me but three months in he thought they might give it another ago).

Snowfire Fri 10-Jun-16 00:05:03

It just sucks doesn't it...
To make it worse he kept telling me how much he likes me and thinks he would be happier with me than with her. She apparently has issues with depression and has been really down since we've been seeing each other.
I'm just going to leave it be, although I have a feeling I might hear from him again.

ivykaty44 Fri 10-Jun-16 00:10:41

Strange for him to say he's not ready for a relationship when he put himself in line for a relationship by joining a saying agency.

Even stranger that he's been split with his ex but wants to now get into a relationship with her when he said he wasn't ready for a relationship...?

I would keep the toilet paper ready in case he does contact you again

MarkRuffaloCrumble Fri 10-Jun-16 00:29:04

The ex thing doesn't sound promising, but the cold feet seems par for the course I'm afraid.

Everyone I know who has done online dating over the past few years has experienced it, man seems very keen, sometimes overly so, makes arrangements to meet enthusiastically and frequently, then after a couple of weeks freaks himself out and panics and either disappears or sees sense and comes crawling back when he realises he's been a dick.

My DP did it, invited me over to his for sex takeaway, out for lunchtime coffee etc in the week following our first amazing date. Then one night asked to pop in and see me at 10pm after a late meeting, ended up saying how much he liked me, that he was scared of how intense his feelings were and that he was 'craving' me and needed to slow it down, back off a bit. I got the hint that he wasn't as keen as he'd been making out and mentally binned him off.

I got a bit tearful but said ok, whatever you want and then apparently he had second thoughts and now reckons that was the moment when he realised I was the one for him and he started falling for me. Idiot! Nearly threw it all away because he felt like it was all going too fast, when it was all his doing anyway.

I think a lot of it is the realisation that if they stick with you their OLD days are over - the candy store is closed!

niceupthedance Fri 10-Jun-16 06:37:52

This guy sounds like he has a good line in flannel. I bet he'll still have an active dating profile next month...

Such is life. Online dating was very tough on my self esteem due to multiple incidences of this hot and cold treatment. You have my sympathy.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Fri 10-Jun-16 08:44:19

Can I just add in that as a man who has done internet dating, men get this shit from women too. It's not gender specific.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Fri 10-Jun-16 09:23:24

I'm sure that's true Seth. It's just frustrating because women are conditioned to believe that they mustn't chase a man, seem too keen, mention the future etc in case they scare him off, as we are told that men are generally commitment-phobes and women are chasing commitment. So we play the game, don't act too keen, don't do the running, leave it to him. And yet all too often it's the man coming on strong, surprising us with his keenness and then going quiet because it's 'all too intense' for him!

Drbint Fri 10-Jun-16 10:12:18

Fast forward a week and he's got cold feet.... Says things are going too quick and he doesn't know if he's ready for a relationship. He says he thinks I'm amazing and doesn't know what I see in him and he's worried people will think he's not good enough for me

Sorry OP, but in other words he means that he doesn't want to be with you. He's drowned it in the most flattering clichés he can but this is the oldest one in the book.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now