Not had it yet! Three and a half hour trip on the train, left at 6.15am. I was up til 2.30am doing another application.
Thanks for your good wishes. I need them at the moment.
Basically, my mum and I have had a massive falling out because a few days ago I was 18 minutes late (I had text her at 7am to say I was stopping for fuel and would be arrive at 7.15am). I had gone to bed at 1am after getting home from tutoring at 9pm and then working on (funnily enough!) job applications.
she bought a horse for us to share, but I do all the looking after of the horse (and pay a couple of hundred per month towards keep) as I compete her along with my other mare (which I pay for by myself) My other mare is very, very sensitive and can only be ridden by me (she bronced my friend 12 feet in the air) so my mum wanted a horse she could ride too. I was meeting her at the yard before I went to work so we could ride out. I was exhausted and when I arrived, my mum looked extremely cross (I had had three missed calls and a text without a greeting or kisses saying 'do I feed the horses') and I asked her what was wrong. "You're late" and "should you even be riding today?". At that point I burst into tears and said I couldn't take this any more. The yard is where I go for destressing. I'm late for everything in life because I'm so busy and I'm always suffering from anxiety and exhaustion. This is not the first time she has gone apeshit over me wanting my yard run in a certain way (I was there first by about 3 years).
The trouble is, because it involves horses and petty arguments, it all feels such a trivial first world problem. Added to that, my mum has spent huge amounts of money on me over the years and it feels like I'm being spoiled and ungrateful. At university, she sat me down to take me through everything she had spent in 15 years. It was a lot. My mum comes from a very poor rural family and was given no help or support by her parents emotionally, financially or practically. My mum has been a single parent for 30 years as she didn't want men coming in and out of my life, and in that time she built up a solid business. It hasn't made her rich, but it has made her able to retire on the equivalent of a final salary pension.
She gets upset that I don't like her hugging me etc, but the trouble is, when I was a teenager, I had an eating disorder. The cleaner found out (starve/binge/purge) and eventually told my mum. My mum sat me down and raged at me about how I had embarrassed her and how it was mortifying that the cleaner had had to tell her. It was horrible. I never went to treatment as I told her it had stopped. It hasn't. 15 years later and it still affects me. After that, I just stopped talking. My periods didn't come in til I was about 16, I never mentioned it to her. She wanted to take me to the doctor at 17 as she didn't know they had begun and thought there was something wrong with me.
But, she can be very kind. She wants so much for me to be happy and it frustrates her that nothing she does can make me so. She wants to be be supportive and involved in my life and now she has retired, if I ever need any help or support (usually practical, but I'm so pressed for time that that is the best sort of help) she will give it.