Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

advice needed (tho kinda know what I need to do!!)

(53 Posts)
Fuckeduphead03 Wed 08-Jun-16 16:55:26

How do you move on from a man who's been in your life for 18 years and with whom you've never really had a proper relationship with?? I've been single for 10 years. Few disastrous relationships, this man always been 'there'. He currently lives with his parents whilst he is trying to buy a house of his own, has a child with his 'ex' and I use the term loosely as I really have no idea what the fuck is going on with them? She has recently bought him out of the mortgage they had together. He blows hot and cold, tells me I'm beautiful, wants to 'make a go' of things but I get no proof? I don't seem to feature in his life other than to text and occasionally meet up. It's not even all about sex as that doesn't feature??? Obviously it does every now and then but not all the time. We had a heart to heart a while ago he says he really wants to make a go of it but apart from the odd coffee date..... Nothing??? To me, he could be here with me a lot more? Sorry this isn't much info but it's such a long complex tale I don't know where to begin????

Thisisnow16 Wed 08-Jun-16 16:57:44

He's keeping you on ice as a poster put it yesterday. It will mess with your head.

Fuckeduphead03 Wed 08-Jun-16 17:02:38

Thisisnow how do you mean??

Thisisnow16 Wed 08-Jun-16 17:06:22

Keeping you at arms length, chancing his options?

Jan45 Wed 08-Jun-16 17:09:16

He's still with ex, you are an occasional distraction, look to his actions you know yourself that he isn't serious.

Fuckeduphead03 Wed 08-Jun-16 17:09:21

Yeah but how do I deal with it ? It easy to say tell him to fuck off but I do think a lot of Hun. I get surges of positivity where I think 'fuck him I'm off' then he blows 'hot' and I feel he really wants to make a go of it ...... Then he goes cold and I don't hear from him!

Fuckeduphead03 Wed 08-Jun-16 17:10:12

Jan if he's still with the ex surely she wouldn't have bought him out the house they shared???

Jan45 Wed 08-Jun-16 17:13:07

Maybe they are doing it for financial gain, either way are you 100% sure there's not some kind of relationship still going on between them, it sounds like you no very little about what he actually does with his life.

Regardless OP, a coffee, a quick shag now and again, you happy with that? If I was dating anyone I'd expect to be going out for meals, the cinema, theatre, socialising with mutual friends, normal stuff like that, do you do that with him?

Thisisnow16 Wed 08-Jun-16 17:16:20

Yes Jan that's the main sign, if they never invite you out to do different stuff that are usually hiding for some reason (as in still in a relationship.

RiceCrispieTreats Wed 08-Jun-16 17:17:49

Don't give him the chance to blow hot, then.

You've had years of experience to show you that it will lead to nothing more than a lot of emotional turmoil for you. So cut off contact. Block him on your phone and email.

Sure, you "think a lot of him". Everybody has some great qualities, but this guy with some great qualities also happens to be treating you like an option and messing with your head. Take better care of yourself by stopping this source of unhappiness.

Fuckeduphead03 Wed 08-Jun-16 17:20:35

The thing is I know the 'ex'...... I don't honestly know what the hell is going on? I can't see what financial gain they would get out of him taking himself off the mortgage? He's looking at properties to buy for himself? I emotionally distanced myself from him recently he said he did want a relationship with me. I told him he needs to prove himself. We meet up for drinks/coffee etc and I haven't slept with him for ages so it's not like it's just for sex? I'm so confused.

Jan45 Wed 08-Jun-16 17:24:55

Sorry but I don't see what is confusing, you know you are not getting enough to call this a proper relationship, he can still meet you for coffee and not feel you are the person he wants to grow old with, if you've never as you said ever had a proper relationship then why do you think that is ever going to change, it hardly sounds like love, 18 years later and it's a coffee and a drink maybe, on his terms of course and there's the Ex who you don't even know if he has emotionally detached from.

Cabrinha Wed 08-Jun-16 17:26:15

The ex is a red herring. I'm sorry to be really harsh here but... He doesn't want you. It's that simple. I wouldn't even stay friends because it'll just hold you back. If you must stay friends, then never sleep with him and tell him to stop with any relationship talk. I suspect once he realises you're only going to be a friend and not occasional sex and ego stroking fantasy, he'll go to ground. Sorry.

Achica123 Wed 08-Jun-16 17:26:59

I think if he really wants to make a go, he would get his act together and make some serious moves. Do you thinkk he's using the fact that you're single against you? I mean he knows that and he's making good use of it.
It'll be hard to move on, but I think it's worth moving on and sticking to your decision. It won't be easy, but life isn't.
Something also worth remembering - there's plenty of fish in the sea.
Good luck x

RiceCrispieTreats Wed 08-Jun-16 17:27:05

You are so caught up in someone else's drama.

Detach and live your own life.

Who cares what two entirely other people are doing with their mortgage?
Also, if he wanted to be in a romantic relationship with you, he would be in a romantic relationship with you. He's not. That tells you all you need to know.

Let it go. You're driving yourself crazy. Let them do their thing, and find something that feels good and right and healthy for you to do instead of turning this stuff over in your head.

Fuckeduphead03 Wed 08-Jun-16 17:53:43

Thanks all. I feel that the fact I've been basically single for 10 years as a single parent with limited income (less chance to get out etc) has seriously dented my confidence! I know this 'relationship' is bullshit I really do and I'm going to sound PATHETIC when I say this but I really find it hard to let go of this man! I take criticism as it comes so please feel free to flame me lol I just need to get my head around all that's going on and his to detach myself???

newname99 Wed 08-Jun-16 18:06:49

I think you have to realise you are someone he picks up and discards, it's not even a true friendship as he shouldn't be treating a friend like this.

I think you need to get angry, realise he's not looking out for you and stop contact.Maybe you can be friends again when he is out of your system.I think whilst he's in your head you are not giving our single vibes to other men.It will hurt but trust that when this man creates a space in your head & heart another person will appear.

Fuckeduphead03 Wed 08-Jun-16 18:13:14

Thanks newname you are right but it's so difficult to do. Looks wise and personality wise he is exactly what I go for. He said a few weeks ago he would prove things to me. He sent me beautiful flowers on my birthday, he texts almost every day, but he lives 5 mins away my point is I feel actions should speak louder? I can envisage his reaction now if I tell him to fuck off and that would be that I haven't given him chance and his heads fucked uo with all the house / mortgage shit. His much bloody time/ chances does he need?????

Morasssassafras Wed 08-Jun-16 18:17:41

You're not his first choice. You've never been his first choice. You will never be his first choice.

But hey sometimes he needs to know someone loves him. That's you. You're the backup choice.

And you deserve so much more! Why are you willing to settle for this? What are you getting out of it?

You know what to do. When he's gone you will be free to work out why your self esteem is so low, then you'll be able to meet someone if that's what you want. flowers

Fuckeduphead03 Wed 08-Jun-16 18:26:08

Morass thanks smile I need words like this. I do take a lot of getting through to lol! I guess my confidence is so low and I was shit on so bad by father of my son, I'm grasping at straws here and pathetically feel grateful for the attention I get albeit sporadically. I often feel this is better than nothing which in the cold light of day when written down looks even more sad!!! I've given him chance to prove himself so many times, I've laid my feelings on the line so many times. This house move has nothing to do with me wouldn't you think it would? Invite me to come and look at it with him ? He's shown me it on rightmove that's as far as it got ! He reckons he's taking his son with him ? His ex us off on holiday next week ( previous years he's gone too he reckons for the sand of his son yeah right!) anyway he's living in her house whilst she's away, has her dogs to look after!!!! If this is him proving he wants to make a go of things he has a bloody funny way of showing it!!!angryangry

Jan45 Wed 08-Jun-16 18:31:47

Gawd, it gets even worse, seriously OP, they are not over or at least she's his priority - you're the fall back, when he has nothing better to do, wise up, enough is enough, this is really bad.

Fuckeduphead03 Wed 08-Jun-16 18:34:21

Jan I NEED this so much I need you guys to make me see sense!!!! I know I will see it in the end I have done before with him only a few weeks ago I was ready to walk away and cut all contact he pursuaded me not too hence the ' proving it ' which has never materialised!

Fuckeduphead03 Wed 08-Jun-16 18:35:47

I deleted his number so I don't text him. I know the last few digits of it so know when it's him but this stops me texting him.

newname99 Wed 08-Jun-16 19:22:12

Good move, treat it like an addiction.One day at a time and you will break the habit and dependence.

Fuckeduphead03 Wed 08-Jun-16 19:35:32

Thanks newname. I'm not being daft am I? There's so much more I could tell you that you would probably recoil in horror at and when I see it written down it shocks ME! lol.

I have given him so many chances to prove himself. I met him today for a coffee. This isn't unusual for friends I guess but this is a man who is trying to show me he wants me ( cue huge laughs !!!!) so he was 45 mins late, reckons he was at his grandparents!!!! Proceeded to tell me all about the houses he's gonna be looking at ( no mention of how I fit in to all this!). Then told me all about how the ex is off on holiday and he's took 2 weeks leave to look after their son ( he's 14!). I never asked (didn't really want the answer) but I assume he will be living at hers which I find VERY odd! Up until last year he used to have his son overnight whilst she worked (she works shifts ) and he slept in her bed!!!!!!!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now