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Desperate for a child but DP not in any rush

(23 Posts)
pinknailstoday Wed 08-Jun-16 16:41:15

I have been with DP now for over a year and we live together.

Shortly after we got together I fell pregnant and Im not proud but was so scared as is wasn't the right time and I had an abortion.

Since then I have been desperate for a baby.

Im 30, dp is 28.

We had a discussion last week and I said I am ready and want to know that we are heading in the right direction.

He said he wants children with me, but wouldn't want them for another 3 years or so.

I just dont know if I can wait or if I am being unreasonable about considering leaving to find a way of having children sooner.

We love eachother, but its become such a desire of mine.

I have even started having dreams where I am pregnant.

Am I silly in considering throwing our relationship to persue my desire? Or should I be more patient with him?

I am on a good salary with good level of savings. He earns around 10k less than me a year, but I dont see that as a problem as my employer is very flexible and lets me work from home so I would be able to go back to work after my maternity leave is up.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Wed 08-Jun-16 16:51:04

What are his reasons for waiting?

If you left you have even less guarantee of having a child in the next three years.

pinknailstoday Wed 08-Jun-16 16:53:36

His reasons is that he wants to have more big holidays before one comes along.

He wants a little longer just the two of us.

Where for me, even if we start trying in the next few months, it is likley to take longer (history of fertility issues), and so we will have it just us for another year.

pinknailstoday Wed 08-Jun-16 16:55:27

He said he wants to be earning more money too. But he works in a family business doing what he loves and thats what the pay is. I dont expect him to earn more and dont feel he needs to. Where as he wants to be able to support me.

TheNaze73 Wed 08-Jun-16 16:57:46

You've only been together a year..... I couldn't possibly fathom out after only a year, that I could make a lifetime commitment? Maybe he's cautious, sensible & trying to protect you

pinknailstoday Wed 08-Jun-16 17:14:16

We knew each other longer than a year as we're friends before.
I feel I'm running out of time to be leaving it another three years

Cabrinha Wed 08-Jun-16 17:33:38

Well, history of fertility issues + pregnant with months of not trying does not = likely not to happen quickly, does it?

You have not been together long enough to have children yet.

Re your abortion - I had a miscarriage (planned pregnancy) and I was desperate to be pregnant after. Not just because I wanted it anyway, in my grief I felt the only way to feel better was to be pregnant again. Perhaps you are also driven by the loss, albeit a choice. It's still a hard choice.

But you were right in your reasons then, and he is right in his reasons now - it's too soon.

What is your history of fertility issues? I ask because I've heard some people be told utter nonsense about fertility in my time (I had IVF so spoken online to quite a few people who had assistance).

ElspethFlashman Wed 08-Jun-16 17:42:43

Really don't think he's unreasonable. You have only been together a year and are already living together and have already been through an unexpected pregnancy/termination . It all sounds a bit full on tbh. I couldn't blame him for wanting to just chill out for a year or two and just have a bit of fun with you.

missybct Wed 08-Jun-16 17:47:47

Agree with Elspeth.

Can I ask though, does your DP know you had an abortion?

pinknailstoday Wed 08-Jun-16 17:51:58

Before we met I had been going throug 2 years of testing. Was not on contraception and didn't get pregnant.
I have Graves' disease which makes it difficult.

I regret the abortion so much.
I wish I hadn't been so scared back then

Xmasbaby11 Wed 08-Jun-16 17:52:05

You've only been together for a year. I'd definitely want more time as a couple before having kids. 30 is relatively young.

pinknailstoday Wed 08-Jun-16 17:52:35

Yes he knew.
I was scared to tell him but he was very comforting and supported me through it

s88 Wed 08-Jun-16 17:54:03

He's being sensible ! Far too many people rush into having children .

From your post it seems your more bothered about having children , rather than having children with HIM ?! That's a major red flag

LilacInn Wed 08-Jun-16 17:59:48

I think he sounds like an honest, sensible man. The relationship is too new to expect a lifetime commitment, especially since he's still in his twenties and establishing his career, having a good time, etc.

Surely you wouldn't want someone to plunge into parenthood with major misgivings, just to satisfy your itch? That's not fair to him or to the child.

Could you seek out counseling to determine why you are feeling this compulsion?

newname99 Wed 08-Jun-16 18:00:34

I honestly think a year is no time at all.He is being sensible and has expressed his wish to wait.G good holidays are a reason to wait as they do go by the waysude once you have a family.

It feels like you want a baby, more than a relationship with him so I would question if he is right for you. Also a pregnancy loss can make you feel desperate for a baby so I wonder if you are grieving coupled with fear of infertility.

Have you travelled much? Maybe you need some focus other than a baby.

AddictedToCoYo Wed 08-Jun-16 18:04:16

Graves disease doesn't affect your ability to be able to conceive though, does it? What do you mean you have a history of fertility issues? You got PG without really trying so what was the issue?

He is only 28 and a year is really not very long to be with someone at that age and to be completely about having children with them. I think you need to stop pressuring him or it will backfire on you. I'm sure if the relationship goes from strength to strength he won't make you wait another three years but I do think another year or so would be a good idea.

missybct Wed 08-Jun-16 18:04:49

OK, I do wonder if a lot of your desire to be pregnant is because of your regret toward the abortion. You were frightened and felt under pressure and you had the abortion for a legitimate reason, OP - I'm glad your boyfriend knew, and that he supported you.

However, the fact you had an abortion presumably about a year or so ago is possibly the reason your boyfriend isn't super keen to start trying for a family. Not because you need to feel guilty or regretful, or that you did the wrong thing - but because you've already had a pretty traumatic experience of pregnancy. There is no shame in having an abortion whatsoever - but you are clearly carrying guilt and regret, and having a child in the midst of that is not a wise idea - perhaps your boyfriend recognises that, and would rather see the old "you" back. That would be a far better starting ground to TTC.

Question is - do you believe him when he says he wants them in the next 3 years? 3 years is an arbitrary number by the way - I do believe when people say that what they actually mean is "I don't want children yet" - lots can happen in 3 years.

From your posts, I also agree with s88 - seems as if you want a baby, rather than a baby with your DP - the testing prior to your relationship and the fact you were not using contraception and mention you still didn't get pregnant implies you've been keen (or trying to have) on having children for a while. Perhaps you were even trying with an ex by not being on contraception. If that's the case, I'd definitely support your DP's point of view - you're both young, and your accidental pregnancy does support the idea that you are fertile.

expatinscotland Wed 08-Jun-16 18:06:38

It's really up to you to decide. I don't think you're rushing things. I met and married my husband and we had DD1 in 13 months. BUT, we were both on the same page with what we wanted. We have 3 children together.

You and he are not.

'He said he wants children with me, but wouldn't want them for another 3 years or so. '

This would be too vague for me if I were your age (I was 31 when I met DH and 32 when I had DD1).

I'd get some counselling for the feelings you have about your termination and then do some hard thinking. TBH, I'd go it alone.

DinosaursRoar Wed 08-Jun-16 18:06:38

He's 28, doesn't feel he's quite ready to settle down, he says he wants to do a few big holidays and be in a better career position before starting a family - that's actually quite a reasonable position for a 28 year old to be in. Most of my male friends didn't start having DCs until 32/33 for similar issues, and most wanted to fit in "buying a house/flat" and "getting married" into the time frame before marriage.

If you need life long commitment right now (after what is a very short time together,) then perhaps he's not the right man for you. If you need someone who's ready to move on from the "just having fun" stage of their life to "settling down to family life" stage, then someone a little older who's done all the stuff they want to first might be a better bet. If you want this man, then perhaps you have to accept that means he's not ready for a family yet.

DinosaursRoar Wed 08-Jun-16 18:18:44

Oh and rather than focus on how long (3 years, or 4 or whatever), get an idea of what he wants to have acheived before he will be ready to start a family. If his list includes things like buy a house, visit South America, move jobs, complete X qualification, be married etc, if you get to 3 years and he's not acheived them then it's likely he'll still say 'not yet' or be unhappy to start trying.

NerrSnerr Wed 08-Jun-16 18:44:40

Being together a year is no time. I don't think you can really get to know someone properly in that time.

expatinscotland Wed 08-Jun-16 18:56:47

'If his list includes things like buy a house, visit South America, move jobs, complete X qualification, be married etc, if you get to 3 years and he's not acheived them then it's likely he'll still say 'not yet' or be unhappy to start trying.'

Then she'll have wasted 4 years and be 33 with fertility problems.

The 'in 3 years or so' would be what stuck in my mind. No problem with the fact he's not ready, but he's telling you he doesn't know when he will be.

We can't live for the future and what this is saying is that he might be ready in '3 years or so' but might not.

So in the OP's shoes, I'd take that for what it is and plan accordingly.

MsMims Wed 08-Jun-16 19:27:27

I agree with PP, you've been together for no time at all. For me, it would be too soon to move in with someone, let alone make the lifetime commitment of a child.

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