How do other people manage money in their marriage? I'm feeling stuck!!

[Glutenforpunishmentnomore]

Hi, I apologise in advance as this may be a bit all over the place but just going to get it all out in the hope of some different opinions please!! .....

I have 4 children between 9 an 1 years old, my elder 2 are from my first marriage and I receive a basic amount of CM for them from exdh. My 2 little ones are mine and DH's.
DH works full time and I work part time and fit my hours around nursery and school and our lovely dog.
Anyway my issue is DH refuses to share money, as well as my wages which is about a third of his I receive tax credits and child benefit, in total I end up with a little more than him each month BUT I pay all the childcare fees, I buy 80% of the food, I buy 99% of the children's clothes and pay for all the children's activities. His argument is that he doesn't think the children should be in childcare as he thinks his 70 yr old mum should look after them. His mum is in my opinion completed out of date with how to care for children and manage their behaviour, she has even admitted to banging the table and shouting at my 1 year old for not eating her lunch before (she told me like it was a good idea then denied it to him!) she currently looks after my 2 youngest one morning a week which I hate but dh insists they should spend time together. Anyway, I have nothing left at the end of the month whereas he saves his money. We can't afford a family holiday abroad but he is planning on going abroad for a mates stag do, he goes to the gym most mornings before work and leaves me at home trying to get 4 children and myself ready to leave at 7.30am to drop them all off at nursery etc and get myself to work.
I suppose I just feel really hard done by, he used to moan when I was on Mat leave that I "sat on my arse all day" so I went back to work. It feels like his life hasn't changed and he still has plenty of cash and free time when all I do is go to work and look after the children and I'm left with nothing.
Please advise if I'm being reasonable about being fed up of this or not?

[Glutenforpunishmentnomore]

Oh and another thing he changed jobs in April and got paid from both jobs as he was owed holiday, he also got a big bonus but he thinks I don't know and hasn't told me about it (I saw his payslip), the same month I went overdrawn and had to borrow money out of my daughters account to tide me over, he new about it and didn't offer to help.

[SaveSomeSpendSome]

Do you think he doesnt want to contribute to your 2 elder children?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Oh this is not good.
It's called financial abuse and it's not a nice thing.
Contact Womens Aid who can talk you through it all.
As he is financially abusive I'm sure he is abusive in other ways too.
As you are married you are entitled to 50% of his savings.
He will have to pay maintenance and you will be entitled to a bigger share of the house proceeds if you are primary carer.
I wonder how he'd like that.
Money in any family should be just that - family money.
You all put in then once bills are paid you split what's left 50:50.
He's treating you and your DC terribly.
I think you'd be far better off out of this, financially and emotionally!

[Glutenforpunishmentnomore]

Thank you for your replies

Yes I do think that he doesn't want to contribute towards my elder 2, I remember years ago when we first got together he wanted his own food and wouldn't pay for their baby yogurts ( they were both under 3)! I think I should have known something was up then.

I was afraid someone would mention financial abuse, we rent our house and he has already said he would his/spend his savings if we ever split.

[Costacoffeeplease]

Does he realise that as you're married your assets are joint?

[Shoxfordian]

He sounds completely unreasonable; he's not acting like you're a unit; a team or a family. Think you need to have a chat with him and if he doesn't change then consider whether you want this type of relationship.

[LegoStarWars]

All our money has always been completely joint. We have a joint bank account, all income goes into there, all bills go out of there. We're unusual I think in that we don't argue over what gets spent, but it's always been that way since we first moved in together. Over the years sometimes I've earned more, sometimes he's earned more (especially when DS was tiny), but we've never begrudged the other, all income is family money, not his or mine.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

All our money goes in to one big pot. We take out what we want or need with due consideration to what we can afford. Neither of us has ever taken more than was reasonable. We have always run things this way, even when I was on maternity leave and a SAHM not earning.

We are not married though: we have cohabited for 25 years.

[molyholy]

Oh wow. This is really sad. He gets to keep ALL his money, go on holidays abroad, keeps the fact he has had a bonus hidden from you.

You had to borrow money from you daughters account to tide you over!!

He is a financially abusive twat.

You would probably be better off if he left. At least he would HAVE to contribute some child maintenance.

I wouldn't be able to live like this.

He's a cocklodger.

You do ALL the work and he keeps ALL his money, goes the gym, goes on holidays without you.

What a horrid excuse for a father/husband/man.

[DrDreReturns]

I work and DW is a SAHM. We have a joint account into which my salary, tax credits etc go. We can both spend money from this account as we please - unless it is a big purchase in which case we discuss it first.
He sounds like a twat. I really don't understand married couples not having a joint account.

[CamembertQueen]

We share our money, everything is joint. He earns twice as much as me but I am now on Mat Leave. I manage all the money and it works well. That is because he sees it as family money, he always tells me to treat myself but I rarely do. Any big purchases we discuss together. I think it is all about priorities, he would rather a family holiday than a stag but that is just what he is like. Your OH sounds controlling and selfish. Not sure you can change that if he views it as his money only. You should be working together as a team, they are his kids too.

[corythatwas]

We shared everything equally at this stage: joint account, equal decision power. Now that I am back earning we do have separate accounts, but that is more about the fact that we have been together for over 30 years and feel absolutely relaxed about who gets money out to pay for what; we trust each other to work together for the common goal of keeping the family together and helping our children.

[Radiatorvalves]

We earn a similar amount. We aren't too rigid about who pays for what, but roughly we cover household expenses in equal amounts.

I recently had a small inheritance, and bought myself some clothes and spent quite a lot on presents for others. Rest has gone into a joint account and will pay for our summer holiday.

Last year I got a decent bonus and bought a bike, rest went into joint account. Discussed bike with DH as he knows more than me and it was expensive ( £1k) but I've used it a lot since and saved a lot more than that on tube fares.

He sounds like an idiot. A financially abusive idiot.

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

He sounds absolutely horrid.
You're his wife. He's meant to love you and want the best for you.
He doesn't though. He just wants the best for himself and doesn't care if you're struggling.
I agree with others. This is abusive.

[Stardust160]

We get paid at different points of the month so I pay food, household bills, DH pays rent, the car,petrol, insurance so forth which ones for us. If we need cash and one of us has it we give it to the other. I'm better at budgeting than DH so I tend to be stricter and will save cash for uniforms trips out for the family so forth. We both rarely spend on ourselves so I can see why you would be frustrated. We do have a joint bank account but we also have seperate ones to save for Christmas but DH gets a bonus every year which again spent on the kids.

[BooAvenue]

We do all income into one pot, all bills out, rest transferred to joint savings/joint spending account to spend as we need.

We don't have separate "treat" money accounts, and I've never had to justify my spending to DH, although I do spend a lot more on myself then he does (hair/clothes etc.) so it would be weird to have separate spending money as I'd need more than him!

[Glutenforpunishmentnomore]

Thanks everyone, this is a bit of a wake up call. We have discussed it before many times, he reuses to budge, he says if we shared money he thinks I would spend all his money while he was at work, he doesn't see looking after 4 children as work, he just tells me I should make them behave and put the baby down so I can get the housework done (this is when I get frustrated that he is sat watching tv from 6.30pm and I'm rushing around cleaning up from tea and getting kids ready for bed) he does sometimes help me but I am aware that in his eyes the children are my responsibility and not really his unless it suits him. I used to ask him to pay more into the bills account as I couldn't afford to buy this was just met with "well your the one who wants to spend all your money on childcare" and he begrudges that. We recently booked a holiday just a cheap eurocamp but had to cancel last minute as dd2 got chicken pox, I'm trying to claim on insurance and needed £15 to pay the dr to fill in a form, it was about a week before payday so I mentioned it to dh and he just brushed it off not offering to help so I had to wait to be paid, also if the insurance don't pay out for some reason the money is on my credit card and I know without asking he won't help me pay it off.
This really is terrible isn't it! I could understand if I was frivolous with money but I'm not!

[willconcern]

Does he realise that as you're married your assets are joint?

This is not true, and is very misleading. Your assets do not become joint on marriage. So his house would remain his house, his bank accounts remain his bank accounts. However, on a divorce, all assets belonging to both parties would have to be declared, and the starting point for negotiations on splitting assets would start at 50/50 division.

OP, your DH sounds awful, truly awful. The children are not solely your responsibility - they are his too. And I include the older two in that.

OP, I think you need to get some legal advice and leave this wanker.

[expatinscotland]

He sounds like a tight-fisted (bet he wouldn't pay his mother if she looked after the kids), financially abusive twat. What kind of person puts a stag do with mates ahead of a holiday for his own family?

[expatinscotland]

He's not just mean with money, either. I'd get advice and leave him.

[molyholy]

He is sounding worse with each post. No redeeming qualities whatsoever. An utter, utter, out and out twat.

[HazelBite]

DH and I had to keep separate accounts as he is self employed and details from his bank account go to HMRC each year. However when the Dc's were small and I could only work part-time, or only weekends he paid all rent , utility bills, food etc, and my wages child benefit were used for things for the Dc's and my clothing and spends, holidays.
If I needed more, and he had it he would give it to me.

Since I have worked full time we took on a mortgage, which I pay (as regular wage earner) and we split various bills between us, I pay all insurances and for Sky, while he pays for and maintains the vehicles and pays for food and utilities.
We never discuss our bills much, but will never have a joint account until we are both retired.

[Glutenforpunishmentnomore]

He does have good points, he works hard and tries to do stuff around the house like odd jobs but always moans about it! If the kids break something he is always like "I'm not bloody fixing it, I always have to fix everything, you need to tell them not to do it" but then he ends up fixing it.
There are other niggling things other than money, if I say or do something that upsets him, even something small he will be snappy with me all day and usually ends up saying I've started an argument when that was not my intention. He then turns it around and says I blame everything on him, sometimes I actually end up questioning myself about if I have been unreasonable.

[Mrskeats]

Divorce him and have a happy life
He will have to pay child maintainence and your property will be divided
If he earns more you will get alimony too
There are always tax credits and child benefit
Life is much too short to live like this
Sounds so miserable

[Costacoffeeplease]

I still haven't read any of his good points?