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V confused - v frustrated - practical advice please xx

(33 Posts)
Norky1975 Wed 08-Jun-16 04:00:00

Hi all
Please bear with me, long rant but I really need advice.
DP and I together nearly 5 years. I left my ex husband January 2012 due to his substance abuse problems, and have been renting ever since, I have one DD 8 years old.
DP's ex is still living in the marital home, they have two kids 18 and 16.
Naturally, I would like DP, myself and DD to have a proper home together. Obviously with plenty of room for his two whenever they want.
DP is adamant that he wants to get the house back and says regularly that EW is actively looking to move, but nothing is happening - in fact, she has just returned from 2 weeks in Florida, which I'm struggling to see how she managed to afford.
Me and DD live in a nice two bed flat, but I have no garden and I can't see how I'm going to get on the property ladder on my own. DP lives with me and gives me money every month, and frankly if I asked him to leave I would really struggle financially.
Yet he lives here, gets washing done, cooked for, etc etc.
There's so much more I could say but I would love to hear from anyone in the same situation or experienced this.
DP earns a lot more than me, and I also have a consolidation loan to pay.
More than happy to answer any questions from people who have any words of wisdom.
I never thought I'd end up like this! I'm 41 by the way xxx

Desmondo2016 Wed 08-Jun-16 05:03:06

Why would you be asking him to leave?

What's the current legal/financial situation with his marital home? Is he prepared to take rhe steps to sell it/be bought out by her to raise some equity for a deposit on a house for the 2 of you?

And I guess you could simply stop doing all the chores/cooking for him... I'm a bit confusedfrom your post if the issue is the ex-wife / house or your current relationship? (Sorry if I've got 5am insomniac stupidness)

Isetan Wed 08-Jun-16 05:26:27

How his Ex can afford to go on holiday is none of your business.

What would be your financial contribution to a new property? If getting on the property ladder is entirely dependant on your partner funding it, I can see why he isn't in any rush to upset the living arrangements of his children to do so. However, he should be honest about it and not string you along with promises that won't be realised in the short/ medium term.

You have greater security now, then if you lived in a property that your DP was the major/ only shareholder in. If buying a bigger property is in your future, why don't you start planning your contribution now, rather than fixating on his.

Norky1975 Wed 08-Jun-16 05:26:45

I wasn't very clear - just waiting for him to go to work and I'll clarify xx

Norky1975 Wed 08-Jun-16 05:27:51

I was expecting the typical aggressive replies.
Thanks smile

Familylawsolicitor Wed 08-Jun-16 05:45:58

I would suggest you repost in legal for the legal position re the house. Was there any financial settlement drawn up on divorce or have they simply not dealt and the house remained in joint names?

Norky1975 Wed 08-Jun-16 05:58:02

He doesn't pay the mortgage anymore but his name is still on the house. EW is supposedly wanting to move but nothing is happening. Divorce at a standstill for at least a year.
My gripe is that eventually he will have his house back, God knows when, and I will be left in the background while he gets on with his life.
In the meantime he has no rent, mortgage or bills to pay while he is with me, only a making a cash contribution to the running of my flat, getting all his needs met.

NorksAreMessy Wed 08-Jun-16 06:09:00

This sounds like it is about more than just your living arrangements.
You say 'while he gets on with his life' implying that you suspect you might not be part of it in that scenario.
What is your relationship like?
I understand your frustration, living in a no-garden flat, but that is not a good reason to continue a relationship 'just in case' you might, one day, be able to share a house, that currently is someone else's home.

Fidelia Wed 08-Jun-16 06:13:36

You do know that the house proceeds would be split between them, that it's not just his house? Also, she may get more than 50% depending on their incomes and pensions. Also, neither of them will receive any proceeds until the divorce is finalised.

And looking at the dates you got together.... If you're the OW, I doubt she's in any hurry to help you get back on the housing ladder.

Norky1975 Wed 08-Jun-16 06:15:41

I'm not wanting to live in his house - it's too far from my job and DD school.
I just feel like he's not considering our relationship and its future.

Norky1975 Wed 08-Jun-16 06:16:33

Yes I know this thanks.

Possibilityofanisland Wed 08-Jun-16 06:24:10

Is there any reason he isn't paying half of the rent and bills?

Norky1975 Wed 08-Jun-16 06:25:28

I know. Shit isn't it? He's never offered and I don't feel like I can ask

NorksAreMessy Wed 08-Jun-16 06:27:13

It might be time to ask.

Norky1975 Wed 08-Jun-16 06:29:32

I know you're right. It's very difficult for me. I don't want to get used to having the extra money - when he gets the house back I think he will cut me off financially

Motherfuckers Wed 08-Jun-16 06:31:27

And there lies your problem. Why did you not discuss finances prior to moving in together. Doing all his washing and cooking just makes you a doormat.

Desmondo2016 Wed 08-Jun-16 06:34:21

I don't think anyone's being aggressive. Your actual issues/situation isn't clear from your post at all. It sounds like a terrible relationship. You talk about wanting a house together, then in the next breath your expecting him to end it once his ew moves out. Help us out here!

Hellothereitsme Wed 08-Jun-16 06:41:22

I really doubt that he will get the house back so I would stop fixating on that. If the divorce has stopped it is because they can't agree or he is happy with the status quo. If it goes to court it is anyone's guess what will happen but as his wife is housing the children she could get it all or 80% or 50% who knows. If he has decent pensions they might decide to leave the pensions with him and the house with wife. So we don't know is what I'm trying to say.

Your life is for you to control do not rely on someone else to fund it.

The wife's spending is none of your business at all. Her parents might have helped her. She might have met a lovely man who likes to pay half of her bills, holidays etc.

To be blunt you have put yourself in a very vulnerable position. He isn't paying half of the bills - why ever not? Are you scared to ask him incase he leaves. You need to sort that bit out rather than moaning about the house and his wife. Why isn't he divorced yet?

Cheapthrills Wed 08-Jun-16 06:48:31

When I read your op, I thought I bet he's not divorced. What happens with the house will be decided as part of the financial settlement. He might be holding out for something that won't happen. Can he afford to buy her out?

blindsider Wed 08-Jun-16 06:48:39

None of this couldn't be sorted out with a grown up conversation about plans for the future. At worst you will know where you stand.

Cheapthrills Wed 08-Jun-16 06:49:59

If the issue is how much he contributes to the running of your home, you need to tackle that.

AutumnRose1988 Wed 08-Jun-16 06:52:46

I think you need to have a good chat with him Hun. Did you move in together in a rush? It's hard to understand where you are coming from because moving in together indicates you are a committed couple. Did you let him move in quickly in order to help him out after his marriage break up and worrying that when they sell the house (most probably when youngest is 18-as that is when legally he can make ex sell it/remortgage) he will drop you after you helped him back onto his feet? Surely if your relationship is solid and loving then this is the furthest thing from his mind. You need to start as you mean to go on and sit down and have a good discussion about where you see and he sees the relationship going and confide him about your worries. I can't pick out what he has done wrong as yet and any man will happily let you do his washing and cook his dinner..i think that's programmed in lol if he isn't being an ogre with you, go have a heartfelt chat about your concerns and wants for the future. It's worrying that this didn't happen when he moved in or you don't feel you can do it now...why not? IMO, if you have made the commitment to live together and he is having a hand in raising your DD then something can't be 100% right if you feel you can't ask some basic questions about the future because surely he wants you all to be in slightly better accommodation and move onwards and upwards?

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Wed 08-Jun-16 06:55:29

You think when he gets his financial settlement he will leave you for dust? And you're still with him why?
Would you get benefits to top up your income if he wasn't living with you?

LIZS Wed 08-Jun-16 07:02:12

So you think he's just marking time? I wouldn't guarantee he'll have rights to the house anytime soon , usually it is until the dc leave fte so could well be another 5 years. Have you asked his plans , might he sell up if he has relocated. Tbh it sounds as if you are settling out of convenience and you need to take his ex and the house out of the equation and focus on your own plans.

youshouldcancelthecheque Wed 08-Jun-16 07:09:43

If he is divorced then the house is sorted and his talk of getting house back is pure fantasy.

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