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Husband has been keeping notes about our arguments

(21 Posts)
user1465299863 Tue 07-Jun-16 12:54:56

Or more specifically the things I've said, out of context.

Basically we are having a bad month. External things such as unfinished home, me juggling business with being a full time sahm, and lack of money have been causing rows.

I just opened a notebook to write a shopping list only to discover lists of what I've said in these fights. I own that. That's what I've said but I just don't know why he's writing them down in this way. They make me sound monstrous but as they don't refer to what he's said to illicit that from me I'm very confused to

1. Why he is doing this?

2. What I should do now I know?

I've got no problem with if he needed to keep a diary to help him make sense of why we're arguing but this seems set up to purely paint me as the baddie?

I'm really not. My main issue has been not working together, being under appreciated as I'm doing the best I can, and wondering if this is the end of things purely because he has simply been angry and not empathetic? From his perspective I fully understand how an untidy (but Very clean) house and a lack of funds would make him feel as I am fed up of it to.

I thought this was totally fixable but now I wonder if he is gearing up for leaving and playing dirty?

OohMavis Tue 07-Jun-16 12:58:40

It sounds as though he's keeping a record of what you say as evidence of unreasonable behaviour.

You say there's no context in the notes at all - does this mean that with context they would be reasonable things for you to say?

ElspethFlashman Tue 07-Jun-16 12:58:53

If they are "monstrous ", then I would assume he's writing them down so he doesn't forget the wording.

Many times on here women are advised to keep a diary of things said to them that could constitute abuse. He may be doing the same thing. Just because he's a guy doesn't mean it's not good advice.

OohMavis Tue 07-Jun-16 12:59:49

Either way, I think I'd be confronting him with this notebook and I'm afraid it would completely change the way I interact with him.

WellErrr Tue 07-Jun-16 13:00:17

Are you the foreign social climber? Or is that another set of numbers username? smile

ElspethFlashman Tue 07-Jun-16 13:03:31

MNHQ told me the other day that those numeric usernames are automatically generated by the App. So whilst they look similar they can be completely unrelated.

EarthboundMisfit Tue 07-Jun-16 13:06:07

I've done this, because my husband has a track record of being emotionally abusive. I didn't keep it for long and I'm not sure why I did. To remind myself when he started denying what had been said or I started thinking 'oh, it wasn't that bad', I suppose. I've seen people on here advised to do it.

KittySnow86 Tue 07-Jun-16 13:10:02

In context they would be entirely rational, reasonable responses.

An example:

DH: why haven't you put the clothes away?
Me: They were still damp so I hung them back up. I haven't had time yet.
DH: but they're dry now so why haven't you done it.
Me: because I haven't had time yet. You're not doing anything. Maybe if you opened a drawer you'd learn where things go.

He's written down that I've said:

You never put anything away. You don't even know where anything goes.( She is being lazy. )

clarrrp Tue 07-Jun-16 13:11:03

He's planning on divorce.

I've seen this time and time again - and have even encouraged clients to do it themselves when they are getting ready to leave their partner. He is building up a list of unreasonable behaviour, and you can bet he's been telling other people about it too building his case.

The reason he is doing this is because in the UK we don't have no blame divorce - which means that one party ust accept responsibilty for the breakdown of the relationship - even if it's no one's fault. This will usually be unreasonable behaviour. Which is what he is trying to build up a case for.

Keep the book, show it to your solicitor and file your own case against him - and make sure to specify that you want him to pay your legal costs too,.

KittySnow86 Tue 07-Jun-16 13:12:58

And I completely accept it as a valid and important thing to do as a record in that situation.

ImperialBlether Tue 07-Jun-16 13:13:24

KittySnow86, are you the OP? Did your namechange fail?

confusionoftheillusion Tue 07-Jun-16 13:13:36

I've done this with my DP to remind me of things i want to discuss with him when the time is appropriate. Or if things escalate into an argument sometimes I'll write stuff down to cool off / get my head round it.

His summary is pretty much what you said - although I don't see how he concludes that you're lazy from it!

KittySnow86 Tue 07-Jun-16 13:14:57

Oops. Yes it did :/ did t want to seem batshit considering what's also going on with my Dbro!

KittySnow86 Tue 07-Jun-16 13:37:32

I should also add that if that is why he's doing this then that's okay. I just want him to be happy. I can't bear arguing and don't want this to escalate if that is what he's thinking. A few weeks ago I posted because I did want him to leave for a few days because I was tired of being called names and being told I wasn't good enough.

Maybe that's also why I'm hypersensitive about my brothers situation, I hadn't equated the two until just now.

Isetan Tue 07-Jun-16 13:41:32

Anything and everything can look monstrous without context. Make your own notes alongside his notes and use a SHL's business card as a bookmark for the offending page.

Isetan Tue 07-Jun-16 13:45:01

Seriously, you need to ask him and base your next move on the validity of his explanation.

0dfod Tue 07-Jun-16 13:55:09

Start your own diary of his unreasonable behaviour. Him calling you names and putting you down is abuse.

I am sorry that you are having a shot time sad, but now may be a good point to make your own exit plan, gathering up passports, important documentation, financial records, popping some money away to help you when and if you split.

If he is building his case against you, you now can not assume he is your friend/has your back/will play fair.

Good luck Op flowers

0dfod Tue 07-Jun-16 13:56:10

Shit not shot, my phone doesn't like to swear hmm

PanGalaticGargleBlaster Tue 07-Jun-16 14:27:48

I used to jot down a few notes post argument with my ex, not to build some case for divorce (we were not married) but to just keep my own sanity. She had an awful habit of either denying outright that certain exchanges even took place or her version of events upon recollection differed vastly from mine to the point of me losing confidence in my own memory. I did not use these notes to challenge her with at a later time, but just to reassure me personally that I was not going mental and that she was the one being economical with the truth.

ordinaryman Tue 07-Jun-16 19:07:26

I totally get that too Pan

My DW will flat-out deny that she said certain things last time we had words, or will have a different version of reality re. our relationship.

I too keep a note of things for my own sanity and because it's a way of not having to keep this kind of soul-destruying crap inside my head. It's a kind of catharsis.

Jaybee99 Wed 08-Jun-16 20:08:57

I often feel I'm always being taken to task for something I did or didn't do and I'm so crap at remembering what was said before so I have often thought of writing what was said. Maybe the OP is always on at her partner and he needs to record what was said?

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