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Wanting to Separate

(7 Posts)
bexleyboop Tue 07-Jun-16 12:08:59

I can't even believe I'm writing this...

I've been with my husband for 9 years almost, married for 2 and a half, and we have a 2 year old son.

We've had ups and downs, as most couples do. We're not the blazing row type, and normally manage to talk through our problems.

The thing is, over the last year or so I've gradually come to realise I don't love him any more. He was my best friend before we got together, and we used to have tonnes of fun, but now I feel like the other thing we have in common is the house and our son.

Just before we decided to try for a baby, I lost my full time job - DH earned enough to keep us afloat without struggling, and my part time hours gave us some disposable income too. Since having our son I've done occasional shifts at work, but DH wont agree to putting DS in nursery so I could do more hours - he says we can't afford it. I hate having to ask him for money - we can't afford to go out and do nice things so often it's just me and my son at home all day together. Some weeks I can barely afford bus fare, there are very few local playgroups to get to... I'm going a bit mad.

I've now discovered we can't afford it, even on his decent wage, because he's very good at racking up cc debt without me knowing - we've no joint accounts at all, so I can't keep a track of what's going out. Over the last 5 years his parents have bailed him/us out to the tune of about £25000, which makes me feel sick.

We've been distant from one another for a while - he has a big commute to work so goes out early and comes back late, which means he doesn't see much of his son either.

Now we've started sniping at each other over little things, and it's all starting to build up. I find myself fantasising about winning the lottery so I can afford to leave. I have about £30 in my bank account, and no savings because all my money is gone at the end of the month keeping myself and my son fed. I don't drive, don't really own anything I can sell, my name isn't even on the house.

I don't know what to do. DH isn't an awful person, but I'm just so miserable. It's making me a bad mum too, I'm always so short tempered.

Where do I even start. I can't carry on like this. I don't want to waste what could be years of my life unhappy - it's not going to be good for any of us in the long run.

My family don't have space for me to move in to, there's no way I could afford a place of my own... I don't know what to do sad We're supposed to be moving away to a new city to be closer to his work, but it would literally leave me with no one (I have very few friends as it is, and none of them close friends). I don't think I can do it.

Jan45 Tue 07-Jun-16 12:29:56

Sounds like he is financially abusing you, it sounds a sad life with no bus fares fgs, sorry OP but from what you have written what's to stay for, you'd be better off as a single parent on benefits, it doesn't sound like you even like each other anymore.

Jan45 Tue 07-Jun-16 12:31:03

What do you mean your name is not even on the house, it's like he has all the control and you have nothing, that's not normal or fair.

bexleyboop Tue 07-Jun-16 12:46:09

Jan45 - it's all in his name. If I was on the mortgage we wouldn't have been able to borrow as much as my income is so low.

I don't think he's intentionally being like this with money to hurt me, he's just awful with money stuff. But you're right, it's a sad life right now. I think I'm just going to have to start saving, selling stuff on eBay and hope I can afford to move out at some point.

He told me a few weeks ago when I had a whole weekend of work (which is rare) that he couldn't cope with me doing that any more as he was too tired to look after our son all day without me. I've never been so angry with him in my life, especially as the following weekend he was away Friday til Sunday night.

Smorgasboard Tue 07-Jun-16 13:09:17

One chance for him to address what are major issues. You sit him down and tell him how things need to change or you will be leaving (or rather, telling him to leave). Good that you are married, that still gives you rights to a share in the house, should you go regardless of not being named on the mortgage.
As your DC was planned, I wonder, had you discussed how family life would be post DC. If he can't cope with looking after his own DC for a day, why did he agree to a DC? Somehow, I've managed to work full time, while being a single parent for the last 9 years - God help DS if I couldn't managed to look after him for all the days between work days, 24/7, 365 days a year, not just an odd weekend - that was pathetic of him. Doesn't sound like he wants to be a Dad, or be involved in family life tbh, he's treating all that as your job.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 07-Jun-16 13:32:50

bexleyboop,

You're right in that you cannot carry on like this and you should not do so. However, you do not need to win the lottery in order to leave. You just need to make an appointment with a Solicitor.

I would seek legal advice with a view to separating from this individual. He is also financially abusive and his own level of debt accrued over the years has left you in penury. His indebtedness says an awful lot about him along with his parents who have simply enabled this to continue as well. They bailing him out was never going to work.

Another tactic he has used here is to refuse you putting your son in nursery so you can work more hours; financially abusive men also actively try to prevent their possession/maid (he really sees you as merely that) from working. You're certainly not an equal in this relationship and have never been an equal either.

Re your comment:-
" If I was on the mortgage we wouldn't have been able to borrow as much as my income is so low".

Who told you that?. That is not the case; your salary would have been considered. He did not want you on the mortgage for his own reasons. If he further moves for his job you should not meekly follow.

Re these comments:-
"I don't think he's intentionally being like this with money to hurt me, he's just awful with money stuff. But you're right, it's a sad life right now. I think I'm just going to have to start saving, selling stuff on eBay and hope I can afford to move out at some point".

Well you would like to think that of him simply because the alternative i.e. he is doing this to control you is beyond the pale. But you need to consider that scenario as well. Saving up and selling stuff (what is there to sell?) all takes time, in your case it could take years. That idea therefore is a non starter and how will you fell 3-5 years down the line if you are still together?.

"He told me a few weeks ago when I had a whole weekend of work (which is rare) that he couldn't cope with me doing that any more as he was too tired to look after our son all day without me. I've never been so angry with him in my life, especially as the following weekend he was away Friday til Sunday night".

This is very telling from him isn't it?. He's too tired!?. He cannot even look after his child for a day so you can have some time to your own self?. What an arsewipe he is. And where did he bugger off to until Sunday evening?.

Honestly you and this man now need to be apart and asap as well.
Do not stay in this simply because or for your son; its a terrible burden to place on a child and he will not thank you for doing that.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships; surely not this awful model of one. Its no life for him either.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 07-Jun-16 13:34:16

You could apply for a credit report from the likes of Experian or Equifax. That would tell you a great deal.

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