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Should I cancel our wedding?(163 Posts)
Apologies in advance for how long this will be but I need advise and I don't want to tell any family/friends at this moment in time....
I have been with my finance for 9 years, engaged for 2 and are due to get married in 3 months. No DC. When we first met (i was 19) I knew that he took drugs (weed & coke) at social events.
When we moved in together (5 years ago) I made it clear that I no longer found this acceptable. We are older now and I didn't want that in my life. It took some time but he agreed to smoke once a week. No coke. I accepted this.
Since then I have found out he has actually taken coke without my knowledge on a number of occasions. say maybe 5-10 over the 5 years. The last time I found out was when he'd been on a stag shortly before we got engaged. He moved out for a short time but we agreed to give it a go and he promised never again. We then got engaged and I felt that we'd cracked it.
Fast forward to this weekend. I was away with friends and came back to him being off with me. Had my suspicions that he was hiding something. Questioned him but he denied it so he slept in the spare room on my request (without too much arguing) I asked him again this morning and he lied to me and said he hasn't done anything wrong. He left for work and I then came across evidence of cocaine in the house.
This has left me reeling. I immediately confronted him over the phone. He denied it. Gradually over the morning he has admitted that he has. But then he said it was off a stranger after a drink. He later admitted he bought it off his friend early in the afternoon so had made the decision before a drink - totally premeditated and obviously taking full advantage of the fact that I was away.
Now I just don't know what to do or think. He has lied to me and I said last time was the last time. I feel incredibly hurt and let down. But the wedding is in three months, we have spent a fortune on it, everyone has been invited and quite honestly I would be gutted if it didn't go ahead.
If he lies about this does he ie about other things?
In our day-to-day life we are very good. He's my best friend. My friends and family love him. He'll be a great dad one day. He's generally caring and attentive, helps around the house and is very hardworking. He can be a nightmare after a drink but only drinks to excess maybe one every 2 months.This is the only major issue we have. Is this enough that I should be ending it for good? I love him and can't see myself with anyone else but at the same time the idea of a divorce fills me with dread. As does cancelling our wedding
I can't face telling anyone I know as i'm embarrassed and don't want their opinions until i've made my own. I could just do with some outsider help right now. Sat at work trying to concentrate but I just keep going from angry to heartbroken and back again!
God, yes! Cancel your wedding!
He won't be a good husband and he won't be a good father and if he was really your best friend he wouldn't lie to you, or pretend to fall in line with your ultimatums, or do harmful things behind your back that turn him into a nightmare.
He's made you promises, and never kept them. What leads you to think he'll keep the promises he'll make to you on your weeding day? (A vow is by definition a solemn promise.)
In short, yes. Cancel it now.
This man is selfish and he will NEVER change. He's shown you several times who he is so it's up to you what you do with the information.
A good partner doesn't lie to you. Neither does a good father.
This would be a deal breaker for me.
Giving ultimatums is a complete drain on any respect he might had for you if you do not follow through
This guy has no intention of giving up his drug habit and never did
Oh, and multiply those incidences you thought had happened by about 10 fold
The biggest mistake you made was to give ground right at the beginning. He is a piss taker and your piss is well and truly taken.
It doesn't look good. He is a proven liar. He is a drugtaker. How can you marry somebody you can't trust?
re this part of your comment:-
"He can be a nightmare after a drink but only drinks to excess maybe one every 2 months.This is the only major issue we have. Is this enough that I should be ending it for good"
In a word yes and BTW you have more than one pressing issue and problem here. He shows addictive behaviours and he lies through his teeth. You're not happy now; he has taken and still takes drugs and now binge drinks and that is not going to change once you are married either. He's already broken numerous promises to you to quit drugs as well. Unless he himself wants to quit and for his own self then doing that for you is always doomed to failure.
Your family and friends may well love him (he probably is to them the life and soul) but they have not been on the receiving end of his dishonestly and lies. You have, you know the reality here of what it is like to live with him and from the little you write its completely shite. What do you get out of this relationship with him exactly?. What's in this for you?. Why has your relationship bar been so very low anyway?
He has an addictive personality and is looking for substances both legal and illegal to use. You're already thinking about the prospect of divorce and you have not said I do yet. You have outgrown this manchild.
His lying to you about his recent drug taking should be enough in your head to end this relationship now. If he can lie openly to you about this then what else will he be and has been dishonest about.
"But the wedding is in three months, we have spent a fortune on it, everyone has been invited and quite honestly I would be gutted if it didn't go ahead".
TBH you have far bigger problems than feeling gutted if the wedding did not go ahead. That is no reason to get married to this man. People can and do cancel weddings and other people get over it pretty quickly. Its going to be hard to cancel it but the alternative i.e. marrying this man is to my mind far worse for you. You are not marrying him for the right reasons.
It is not too late to cancel the wedding if you have doubts and your feelings are very real and very valid. I honestly think that if you marry him it will be the biggest mistake you have ever made apart from being with him now.
If a friend told you this, what would your own response be?.
Your family may love him, but they love you more and I bet if you tell them the truth, they will support you.
Marriage is loooooong. Endless, really.
I wouldn't marry someone who was a "nightmare" every 2 months when pissed. I'd certainly marry someone who got pissed every 2 months but only if they were hilarious and genial doing it.
How exactly is he a nightmare? Turning his phone off and staying out all night so you don't know whether to call the police.or not? Turning nasty and calling you a bitch or a cunt? Telling you repeatedly to fuck off?
And the coke happens a lot. And he has zero interest in stopping. He has you now - deposits are down, he knows you ain't going anywhere. He can do as he likes. You'll throw a strop but it's clearly worth it to him.
Yes I would cancel it, I know that will be incredibly hard, but if you do have people you can confide in and tell the truth to, they will understand why.
You are what 28, 29. You could walk away from this now and save yourself (and any future DC) years of heartbreak. If you marry him you will almost certainly find over and over that he will put drugs first and then because you have made him promise that he won't, he'll lie about it.
As it is, you have plenty of time to have a much better relationship and future.
I know it's really hard when that shit behaviour is staring you in the face from what you know to be a "nice person" who you get on with and don't want to split up with.
But the fact that you asked this question shows how serious your reaction to this discovery is.
Lies and drugs? No I wouldn't accept that in my life. My best friend doesn't lie to me.
Don't you think drinking to excess every 2 is too much if he becomes a nightmare after this? Why will this change after kids or marriage?
He likes coke and he will carry on using it. So you either accept that.... because despite promises he won't stop or you pull the plug and end the relationship then cancel the wedding.
I know it's a horrible feeling , but you don't have much choice.
You need a responsible husband and father. A class A drug user is neither these, because he is ignoring the consequences or doesn't give a damn. Same difference really.
You don't have to tell people why you are cancelling the wedding. You can say it's postponed until further notice.
Don't tie yourself to this man out of a sense of obligation or because you are worried about the cost of the wedding. The cost of marrying the man, potentially having children with him and then divorcing or breaking up the family would be far more ruinous in the long run. How will you be able to relax and enjoy the day (if you go through with it) knowing that you are marrying an addict and a liar? Better to wait and be sure what you are doing is right. It must be heartbreaking to let go of the future you thought was ahead of you, but if he won't change his habits that future very likely only existed in your hopes and dreams. Reality is unlikely to match up - and if your friends and family truly care about you then they will understand and look out for you. Don't be embarrassed about your situation - you are not responsible for his fuck-ups!
If you have insurance you might want to check the terms to see what you can sort out if you cancel, but from my recollection most of the payments I incurred happened a month or so before the wedding or on the day. If you call a halt now you can most likely avoid being hit by further costs.
Separately - drunk to the point of being a nightmare every 2 months is not something I could personally put up with. I wouldn't be happy with 'nightmare' once. An ex of mine turned into somebody I very much did not like after a few drinks - it's a big part of the reason he's now an ex. DH has never once upset me with his behaviour after a few drinks and he would be mortified to think he might.
Don't rush into anything. Please!
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He promised not to do something. He's done it.
Suerly regardless of what it is...he's BROKE your trust he's gone against your wishes. He will not stop. You are constantly going to live this cycle. Seriously get out now while you can!
And make sure you tell all your friends and family the reason why... you don't want to be with someone who takes drugs!!
boss.. he is hardly taking coke because of ops personality
I think some people hear the word drugs and instantly view the person as 'bad'. They associate drugs with, violence, crime etc.
There hundreds of thousands of people in the UK who will use drugs recreationally and have jobs and are in loving relationships with no problems, some with kids, some without.
For it to work, there has to be total honestly and agreement on both sides as to what is or isn't acceptable.
In your case OP this isn't what has happened, the agreement was no drugs and he broke the agreement, so you are well within your rights to leave.
I don't take drugs any longer, stopped over 6 years ago as I realised it was making my already in place mental health conditions worse. However I will always try and see the drug argument from both sides, those who are anti drugs and those who see no harm in it recreationally.
If you have to ask yourself if you should cancel your wedding then you already have your answer.
His behaviour is not going to change. And do you really want a family with a man like that? Could you trust him? What sort of influence would he be? What would social services say?
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It's far easier to cancel a wedding than go through a divorce.
How great a father will he be if you aren't ever 100% sure that he's not using? You get invited away for a girls' weekend, would you leave the children with ZERO hint of worry?
And the alcohol isn't a good sign either.
Committing to someone for the rest of your life means that you'll be committing to someone who NEEDS legal and illegal blow outs pretty regularly. Multiply any stress you have had in your relationship a hundred fold when you have kids, someone loses their job, sick parent etc. He used these yo maintain himself and by lying about them he's ALREADY put the drugs before you. More than once. Would you marry him if the drugs were an ex girlfriend? He's said he'll stop seeing her, but sneaks off and catches up behind your back.
Again, it's easier to cancel a wedding than go through a divorce.
But it's not an easy route ahead of you, through absolutely no fault of your own. Betrayal always hurts, no matter what it's with.
It'll be expensive to cancel the wedding but even more expensive if you pay for the wedding and later pay for a divorce.
You know you have to end it, don't you? You can't trust him. He lies. He takes class A drugs. He's a binge drinker who turns horrible. You will be very unhappy if you stay with him - can you see that?
Do you want to be married to a druggie?
If not - don't marry one.
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