I found out today that my father died last year.. he was estranged to me and was absent in my childhood, we had a fraught couple of years contact when I was late teens but he was awful to me in many vile ways and in the end I walked away from attempting to make him be my father.
It hurt me, destroyed all my relationships with men and I always felt I missed out on being loved by a father. But I got on with it, I have had counselling in the past and I realise his failings were not my fault.
Even with all this I am shocked to the core that he is dead. Shocked that he didn't ever attempt to reach out to me and just happily went about his life knowing I was out there somewhere.
He was ill, it wasn't sudden. No one thought to tell me, I obviously missed the funeral and maybe the opportunity for closure before he died.
I shouldn't care, I know I shouldn't. Everyone around me can't work out why I'm bothered but I just feel pained by it... can anyone make sense of this. I'm assuming its shock and it will pass
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Not sure how to feel.. hand hold?
2 replies
hadenough2014 · 06/06/2016 14:16
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