Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Someone please hold my hand. Break up, right reasons, still hurts.

(35 Posts)
roarfeckingroar Fri 03-Jun-16 22:33:19

DP and I have been together coming up for 2 years. I know not long but we moved in together after a couple of months. Our relationship has been pretty brilliant. Close friends, team mates, own language, future plans etc. We broke up tonight b/c despite telling me he wants us to get engaged soon, it came out that he doesn't see that for a few years.

From the outside that is entirely reasonable but there is a backstory. I tend to date people older and more settled. I am an only child and my mother died when I was young; I also went to boarding school. As such, I am very emotionally self reliant but also very wary of people. Writing this, crying, I realise that's probably bollocks that I'm in control of my emotions, I'm more a control freak with a huge abandonment complex.

Anyway, I've managed it by concentrating on friends, career, not men as an emotional crutch. That is all going well - I have 2 Masters degrees and a fulfilling, well paid job that I enjoy, after a lot of searching. Then I met DP and I felt like things made sense. When we met, I told him that we are probably at different life stages but he disagreed, fought for me to be in a proper relationship, broke down my walls and made me feel truly loved. He immersed himself in my life, my friends, my family and moved in to my flat. I became calmer and happier and let my guard down for the first time in as long as I can remember.

There have been huge hiccups along the way - I wrote a post a month or so ago but mismatched sex drives (mine higher) but there are other things; he is 25 and I am 28 (hence different stages of life). I think he drinks too much but then so do I (live and work in central London with sociable jobs and I drink a fraction of what I used to). He got drunk and crashed my car (I was in bed). He didn't come home for a few nights and apologised but then did it again (I can almost guarantee no other women, just booze) and he's been verbally abusive many times. Half the time now I feel like he doesn't even notice that I'm around.

Which comes to tonight where he tells me he doesn't see himself settling down properly for a few years. As I said before, I get it. But he is the one who told my friends he had plans to propose, knowing they have no filter. THen told me he was planning to early this year without me asking, then when we heard a mutual friend was planning to propose on a holiday we are all meant to be going on in September he implied "he would do so before". All unprompted, aside occasionally in jest after he had said something about it. So why mess with me and take me from strong and independent and indifferent to feeling like my future is imploding and I've lost my strength and will and that at 28 I'm a bit past it and probably my chances of moving on and having kids are limited.

This has been such ramble, I'm sorry. I'm just so sad and I need someone to try to help me make sense of the mess I have let myself in to.

Feetofleather Fri 03-Jun-16 22:38:07

You want to live happy ever after, right? Well ditching this charmer is a huge stride towards that.

Chin up, chest out, the best is yet to be! star

HonkHonkNose Fri 03-Jun-16 22:42:29

I'm sorry for what you're going through, it sounds very upsetting flowers

Have you had/thought about having counselling to try understand and deal with the experiences you've had?

HeartsofOak Fri 03-Jun-16 22:43:43

He drinks too much, disappears, crashes your car, has a lower sex drive than you would like and - most importantly - is verbally abusive.

Why do you want to marry this guy?

He does not sound much of a catch. In fact he sounds like he needs to grow up a lot before he's ready to settle, as well as sort out his lack of respect for his partner.

I don't think 3 years is much of an age gap per se, but he sounds very immature.

As are you, in the nicest sense. 28 is nothing! You've got time yet to meet someone and have children if that's what you want, don't take second best out of panic.

TheNaze73 Fri 03-Jun-16 22:44:19

You're living together already & that's under two years, which seems like a big commitment to me already. You're also 28, still so young & have years ahead of you for the rest. Personally, I think you should try to live in the moment more & not stress about the future. It's not out of te question, it isn't a no but, 2 years is no time at all to get engaged. How has he taken the break up? Are you done or do you think there's room for negotiation? Hope you can come to an amicable agreement, you two sound good together. Different people move at different paces, I'd give him time

roarfeckingroar Fri 03-Jun-16 22:48:59

Thank you. I just feel so lost because I never felt the need to be with someone or settle down but he just got under my skin and I love him, in a way I never have before. I don;t know if I do want to marry him, I probably don't because frankly he is an unreliable, boring, uptight, verbally abusive, lying alcoholic twunt... but I'm home in our bed crying because this is the first home I've really had, in the sense of feeling like I'm home not just in a house, since before my mum died 21 years ago. I'm pathetic.

Thank you for being kind. I know it sounds silly but I feel I'm losing the looks I had and - more importantly - most of my friends are in relationships and I just don;t want to go out clubbing (bars/pubs fine) to hook up with randoms or on Tinder. I also don't know if I'm capable of another relationship but I know I would like to find someone and have kids. Sorry, rambling again. He is texting to apologise saying I got the wrong idea. I didn't; I'm just being strong to him and telling him to crack on then and using you wonderful people to let out the hurt.

JennyHolzersGhost Fri 03-Jun-16 22:52:40

You're not being pathetic. You're profoundly socially dislocated and struggling with forming relationships, this twat isn't exactly helping that.

I know it's hard but here's my tough love suggestions from someone a fair bit older who's done most of this herself:

1) get some good therapy.

2) ditch the loser.

3) listen to your instincts. The good ones. You can clearly hear them. You know which ones are the good ones and which ones are coming from dark places - don't feed those.

4) therapy. Again.

:-)
Good luck. You know what's right. You are strong and you can do this. And MN is here when you need it.

JennyHolzersGhost Fri 03-Jun-16 22:55:34

Oh and you're 28 - that's nothing. Sorry but you've got a decade and more to have a family, hopefully, probably. Stop thinking about settling down and start thinking about investing a solid few years in yourself - travel, skills, education, career - whatever your priorities are. The men will fall into place later on.

roarfeckingroar Fri 03-Jun-16 22:57:42

I've had fuck tonne of therapy. As a teenager when I ended up in an anorexia unit with comorbid depression/anxiety; when I tried to end it all twice last year and had a course of DBT down to suspected borderline. I try, I take enough sertroline to fell a moose, and as much as it sounds like I'm a mess, day to day I am fine. I manage a team, I hold it together, I eat well, I exercise, I have a solid and wide group of friends. But right now I do not know what to do and I don't know whether he is just a bit broken and stupid or if he is messing with me or if I should just let him paper over cracks and pretend it didn't happen like I usually do or try to get him to go. I just don't know.

JennyHolzersGhost Fri 03-Jun-16 22:59:04

Move on. And don't have another relationship for a good long while. spend time on yourself. smile

roarfeckingroar Fri 03-Jun-16 23:00:29

Jenny - that is brilliant advice but I have already had 2 years travelling, I'veattained 2 masters degrees and I finally have reached a good level in a career I love. I have my friends and I am into sports etc. I just seem to have broken in this case. I do not know what to do tonight and usually I always know what to do with myself. I don't know whether the visceral, painful need to see him and just have him next to me and fall asleep feeling safe is because of the broken bit of me or because I'm overreacting and actually the overreaction is driven by the broken bit. I just do not know. I want my mum.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Fri 03-Jun-16 23:07:55

Ahhhh OP flowers

I wonder what your mum would say if she were there? Maybe a gentle pep talk that you're worth so much more, not to settle for second best, and to have faith in yourself and a better future with someone who is deserving of a clever and thoughtful person like you smile

It hurts when it ends, but the fog will clear soon enough and you'll see that it was right flowers

eatsleephockeyrepeat Fri 03-Jun-16 23:14:41

It sounds to me like you've just taken your first big step on your way to finding a partner in this world. In case it's not clear, that's not your almost -ex.

It sounds like you've done a lot, you've achieved a lot, and that is all something to be proud of, and by your own admission you've only just started truly exploring that thing - the thing that's caused you pain in the past and seen you in so much therapy - deep emotional connections with others.

So someone opened your eyes to the possibility. Made your realise it's something that might reward you in time, something you might actually relish, despite your history. So thank him. But don't be with him. Did your career work out perfectly on the first roll of the dice? Did you find your closest friend the first time you met someone you liked?

You've started on the journey now. After all you've been through you're one step closer, you know yourself better, you're a little more open and you've turned a corner. Say thank you and goodbye, she'd a tear... Then start to get excited about where you go from here.

Honestly, your story really touched me. Have a hug.

roarfeckingroar Fri 03-Jun-16 23:23:02

eatsleephockey - that made me cry again but in good way. Thank you.

How do I get through the next few days/week/month? He has always wormed his way back in because I can be weak and he has made me feel happier and safer than ever but I can't let that happen. We live together in a rented flat (I own one but it's rented out because financially that works for me) that I can afford the rent for alone just, but he can't. How can I get him to leave? What if he doesn't? How do I go about this in the cold horrid lonely light of day?

Your support is meaning so, so much. It really is helping.

Greenandmighty Fri 03-Jun-16 23:31:59

3 year age gap isn't a lot. My in laws have that age gap and that way round and are very happily married for over 50 years! Problem seems to be that he may not feel ready so he should stop hinting that he will propose. Maybe another conversation is needed to ask him directly what his plans are and to work out when your limit is.

janaus Sat 04-Jun-16 00:10:49

Dear roar, I'm sure your lovely mum would not want you to just settle for this man for the sake of it. There is so much better out there for you. Give yourself time, enjoy your life and don't rush into anything. Wish you all the best lovely.

TheCrumpettyTree Sat 04-Jun-16 00:22:26

A 3 year age gap is nothing, it shouldn't even be a significance! You may be at different stages of life but that has nothing to do with age. My dh is 4 years younger and it means nothing. Ten years I could understand, but 3? You're 28, you have years to settle and have children, stop writing yourself off.

Your bf however is abusive and crashed your car, you can and will do better.

Storminateapot Sat 04-Jun-16 00:25:40

Ah you have so much time. Your age gap doesn't mean much really, but at 25 he's obviously just still playing while you're ready to settle for the long haul. He's taught you what a loving relationship might look like for you. He's not ready. You are. He's still behaving like a dick, you're worth more.

I had my first child at 32, you have so much time to find someone who is at your stage in his life. Don't cling to this one - he likes the idea, but not yet.

There's time yet.

HooseRice Sat 04-Jun-16 00:30:16

You did the right thing dumping him.

I started seeing DH at 28 almost 29, and was the first of my circle to marry/have kids. You've plenty of time flowers

Valentine2 Sat 04-Jun-16 00:33:32

That's nothing to do with the age gap. My age difference with DH is around that and it never was an issue. But you are right in breaking up with this idiot. He looks like he is still in his teenage so the age gap is indeed high. Kick him out. Pack his stuff and leave it out for him to collect and change the locks. Move on. 28 is an amazing age to find new partner and moving on with life.

roarfeckingroar Sat 04-Jun-16 15:34:43

You're right, it's immaturity not age.

Of course today he's a teary mess begging me to reconsider because he's realised the rather charmed existence he has through me is slipping away. Twat.

Bluetrews25 Sat 04-Jun-16 16:18:11

He's not for you, OP.
You can do so much better, and deep down you know it.
Be strong.

thestamp Sat 04-Jun-16 16:49:23

You're going through withdrawal op. Attachment to a person is very much like a drug and when you stop "using" the drug your whole body screams at you to get another fix. It's just the way it works.

Heroin addicts feel a bit like you do when they go cold turkey.. doesn't mean heroin is good for them though. Just like this man... it would feel good for a moment if you let him back, but you'll rue the day. He's abusive, alcoholic and immature. Don't do it.

Your job is just to get through the next couple of days. Grit your teeth. You can do this. The craving will pass.

roarfeckingroar Sat 04-Jun-16 17:06:35

He's text to say he's ring shopping.

Ffs. Don't want it anymore. Eyes open.

category12 Sat 04-Jun-16 17:07:46

You're only 28 - time is on your side. Please stick to your guns and lose this guy.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now