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can anyone help me deal with criticism better

(14 Posts)
wobblywonderwoman Fri 03-Jun-16 19:48:46

I am really feeling low about it but I work with quite a strong dominating workforce and in particular is quick to make silly remarks and jokes. Anther rolls her eyes and thinks the world revolves around needs. My mother makes spiteful comments, I want to isolate myself from everyone but I have a responsible job and family.

AutumnRose1988 Fri 03-Jun-16 21:45:31

What's happening? Share a bit more and we can help :-) flowers

Resilience16 Fri 03-Jun-16 21:56:03

Hi Wobbly, I know it can be challenging sometimes if you work on a team full of strong personalities.
It takes courage to accept feedback.However there is a big difference between constructive feedback, and someone constantly sniping or trying to undermine you.
Try and be objective about the comments being made. Do the reflect and respond, rather than flaring up in response to every comment. If the feedback is justified then you have to be big enough to accept it. If it is unjustified then you can ignore it (particularly if it is being said just to try to get a rise out if you) or you can use the old "sorry you feel that way".
If you are feeling low then things do tend to feel amplified and overwhelming.Do you have a manager you can speak to, or HR? Hope some of the above helps.

wobblywonderwoman Fri 03-Jun-16 22:10:17

ah thank you. Stuff like my mother says dh is great. but it's a dig that I'm not. I am not paranoid but have a lifetime of this. So we split childcare wraparound and she says dh has it so hard even though things are equal.
We are rennovating and both od us are working but she keeps remarking how hard dh has it.

Before i met him she often said I might not meet anyone.

i know I need to toughen up. self wsrewm at rock bottom.

wobblywonderwoman Fri 03-Jun-16 22:12:10

How do I say to them to back off. it's personal unprofessional comments in the main. I work hard and try to be fair and polite but now think I am too nice

Chorltonswheelies422 Fri 03-Jun-16 22:13:53

Hi Wobbly - give an example of something actually said at work

something2say Fri 03-Jun-16 22:16:30

Long term, start with your mother. She may be the beginning of this...

Immediately, be much quieter at work. Sit down, shut up and get on with your work. Let the flow of banter and gossip move away from you, taking the spotlight with it.

Learn to manage the company you are in.

And carry on working with the criticism from your mother. The impact on you, the ways it's affected you etc. Work to bolster yourself.

X I bet you're lovely really x

wobblywonderwoman Fri 03-Jun-16 22:29:50

I get told I am lovely and most people want to work in my area. i try and be kind but i think think am going to become really quiet.

One example is hard to give. It's just bitchy

I am going to keep busy busy

greengreenten Fri 03-Jun-16 22:33:56

I did a course called the Thrive programme which taught me to improve my self esteem. Sounds like you could benefit from it? I did it with a hypnotherapist friend I know.

It teaches you to think more healthily and take control of your thoughts. Helps in lots of ways; depression, anxiety, social anxiety, self esteem and so on.

We are not always taught how to think as we grow up. So you either get it right or may have some problems when you're getting it wrong. It's changed my life and I no longer examine other people's gestures and comments, or if I do it's not for long.

evelynj Fri 03-Jun-16 22:34:03

Do you jokingly snip back? Do you think you could outright say 'listen, I know you are joking but I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't do that, it hurts my feelings/I get enough criticism from my mother/Id rather just stick to work talk

If it doesn't stop then tell them that you will report to HR. You might find it easier to ask to have a quiet word with the ringleader in a side room & say you don't mean to make a big thing of it but find it difficult to speak out in a group.

Hopefully it's just habit & banter & they don't realise it's actually a form of bullying. Hope you feel better & you may benefit from some counselling if you think you could manage it.

something2say Fri 03-Jun-16 22:35:28

Don't always be kind. Sometimes stand up and rip of a corker of a comment, or a one liner or a truth. Don't be a pushover eh xxxx they will reveal themselves as nobs at some stage and you'll wonder what you were ever worrying about X

Kittencatkins123 Fri 03-Jun-16 23:04:05

I agree with Something, try to disassociate yourself, you're just there to do a job, so try to focus on that. I know it's hard (and I worked in one incredibly toxic bullying work environment which basically re-triggered a depression) but try to put up an invisible wall between yourself and these people and get away for some deep breaths/re-centering if they are getting to you. Can you look at getting another job? I went freelance from that toxic workplace (even though the idea of that terrified me) and never looked back. Appreciate that might not be possible for you but you don't have to feel stuck.
Is it possible to talk to your mum about how she makes you feel? flowers

Waitingfordolly Sat 04-Jun-16 06:12:13

I grew up with constant sniping criticism too, and I think it does eat away at you and make you sensitive and defensive because if you feel that everything you do is wrong then it becomes about your whole person and not the occasional mistake or issue. I struggle too to control my emotions in those situations. I think it helps to think that most things that people say are about them and nothing to do with you. You can counter things directly or you could just be more vague, saying that that's one view, or you don't see it like that, or you thought they might say that, and then change the subject, but I think the key is to find a way of feeling better about yourself. If you can stop your mum saying hurtful things then that's great but it might be a matter of not letting them hurt you anymore. Can your DH help to counter what she says to you? When things like this are hard wired into our brains it's the emotional part that isn't changed through rational thought. A good way of changing it is to be around people who deal with this sort of thing well to pick up from them what they do.

wobblywonderwoman Sat 04-Jun-16 19:13:43

dh is lovely and stood up for me once. Dm spinned an exaggerated story to my father and I was blamed for my mum being ill

So we don't go there.

thank you for all the support on here. I am a lot clearer today. I rang an older colleague about it all and she put things into perspective. My family first. I am moving departments soon.

i need to be stronger and answer back

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