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Is it my turn to get what I want?(32 Posts)
After a decade in the NW my dh has given the answer "maybe" for us moving South to be closer to my family.
We currently live near to his and they are lovely people but just don't provide the emotional support that I would like. They have always been there for us financially but considering we only live about 15mins away they see us and dd really infrequently and don't really seem to want to increase that.
My family on the other hand are so supportive emotionally, and financially too. They love spending time with us and dd and I feel sad that they don't get the time they'd like with us.
I'd love to be closer to them and have always wanted to move closer. It was a big mistake not returning after finishing University a decade ago as in hindsight I hope dh would have followed (at the time my self confidence made me think he'd wouldn't and I didn't want to lose him)
We've had some tough times including my depression caused by being far from family, dh almost having an affair of sorts (but it was the lies and disregard for my feelings including doing something that he promised not to do after the "affair") and now dh is out of work after losing his job (not his fault and currently seeking legal advice)
Fast forward to our recent visit to my family (we go for a few days/a week when we can so a lot of holiday days are used visiting) and on the journey home I asked the same question expecting the same answer..... Will we ever move South? And the answer of maybe appeared instead of no.
I think his low mood (possible depression currently awaiting counselling) and our current situation is making him question why we are living in the NW. He seems to think if we did move we'd see his family less as he doesn't think they'd want us to visit for a few days/week and doesn't think they'd really visit us as much as my parents do. He doesn't seem bothered by this at all.
It however only frustrates me more as we are giving the opportunity and time to his parents who he doesn't even think would make the effort if we moved, yet my parents make so much effort all the time and yet don't get the reward of living close to us.
I should point out that my sister and her family live near my parents and she is one of my best friends (I don't really have any here)
I honestly think the only thing keeping him here are his friends who he sees once a week and has done for a decade and the expense of this South. When i asked if leaving his friends was his worry he said no so I'm not sure what's keeping us here.
I'd hate for us to move and him be unhappy but then I don't see why I should be after what he has put me through. I love him and don't want to separate at all but want him to make that compromise sometimes. I feel like I've always put his happiness before mine and want to feel like I come first for once.
How do I approach this? Is it OK to push forward with my desire to move South as if we did it, it would have to be before dd started school (she is 2.5) and we'd need to plan for it.
Would it help if you put some sort of time limit on it - so "we move South for 3 years (or whatever) and if you're not feeling happy and settled by then we'll move back"? A big move away from what he knows and friends etc is going to feel big and scary for him - maybe some sort of commitment that it's not forever if he's miserable would help?
I'd start looking to go - with or without him. To be honest OP, you sound unhappy and if moving closer to your support network will change that, do it.
Some people just don't like change. Or maybe it's that he is so used to having his own way he can't see any consequences for not compromising. Either way you have the ability to make your future the way you want it. Keep the communication open for him but make this a non-negotiable. Because it's clearly not going anywhere at the moment.
So he's out of work but you are working ? Can you move your job ok ? What are the prospects of him getting work down south ?
You describe both sets of parents as "being there for you financially".
If you're not standing on your own financial feet as a family in the NW, what makes you think you'll ever afford to in the S?
There are cheaper pockets - your idea of South might be Luton not Brighton, for example - but you need to really consider your job prospects and living costs.
The things that struck me from your post:
- you might not afford the south if you already rely on money from both families
- you have been in the NW for a decade yet have no friends there - have you always had one foot on the M1? In which case, you've never tried to settle
- this "my turn" seems very tit for tat, and punishing. Sounds like your relationship went through a lot of shit. Moving south won't fix that. I'd be certain that my relationship was going to work before I moved
- a maybe, when he's depressed, is possibly a cop out way of saying no, so don't get too excited by it.
If you want to move, then cost it and then TELL him that's what you want to do. You need to start a proper conversation - "maybe" will literally get you nowhere.
Sorry - the thing about your marriage... I mean, I'd be sure it was going to work before I moved him.
If he broke your marriage beyond repair then you can move without him - but i
believe you should have a very good reason before trying to separate parent and child.
Have you done the numbers?
Can you afford to move down South?
House prices, cost of living etc... are higher.
Look at that first and if it looks OK then start to look at properties and take it from there.
The financial support has more been as dh is out of work things are tight. We survive by me budgeting like crazy but if we get jobs sorted then I think we could afford it (not quite yet but in a few years hence we'd need to plan and prepare for it) but the family have offered help to ensure we don't get into debt during this unemployment issue. I'm retraining so hope in a year or 2 I'll have better job prospects as well
You have been in the NW for a decade yet have no friends there - have you always had one foot on the M1?
It appears moving south has become this thing on which you have hung all your hopes of 'curing' your depression and even if you could afford to move, I don't think it would. Despite living far away from your family, you do still spend an awful lot of physical time with them. Which begs the question, how much more emotionally supportive can they be and how much more do you want?
I live away from family - and it's bloody hard!
Where in from people drop in - go out - meet up etc and it's all free and easy
Where we are now there's a slight difference in culture - people I've known for years never drop by - and always ring the bell!! It's weird !
Move - look at jobs housing etc and stop thinking in a few years - start the ball rolling getting DP to apply down south for jobs - I'm sure your family with help accommodation - then you can apply for jobs and move
You don't seem to have tried to settle in the north, you have no friends and use most of your holidays visiting family. Do you think he feels that a move to the south will involve you living in their pockets? I can see why that would absolutely put him off moving. Maybe while you're living where you are you would be better trying to make a life there.
In similar situation, feel for you OP, I really do
My god you've given it 10 years in the NW!!
Please don't take heed to ridiculous comments like ... "have you always had one foot on the M1? In which case, you've never tried to settle.... "tit for tat" - nonsense.
Yes, it is your turn, why shouldn't it be? Does everything revolve around your DH? Marriage should be a partnership not a dictatorship.
You have the support of a loving family, which will be much better for your DD as well, and there is more work in the South.
Start looking for work/college courses there and start planning - you've got nothing to lose, if it doesn't work out (which I am sure it will), your DH can always go back to what exactly!?!
So if you both don't work .... How will you get a house?
Yes, as Isetan says ^. You sound very emotionally dependent on your family and seem slightly obsessive about how everything would be different in your lives if you could only move south. I'm not sure that's the answer tbh.
Moving won't make your relationship or trust or confidence issues any better. My advice would be to work on those as a priority. It shouldn't really matter too much where you live. phone, skype, text etc etc - you can be almost as close to your family wherever you are.
You are the one giving up everything, aren't you, and then he goes and has an affair and destroys your trust on top of that?
You've compromised enough. You say he sees his friends once a week - did you used to go along too before you had your child?
You said he was disregarding your feelings at the time of the affair but he's doing that now. In fact, he's done it all along.
The best time to move is now, while he's not working. Get yourself sorted with a job down south and if he doesn't want to join you, I don't think you're missing out on much.
But her partner is the one who's dependent on his family, because he won't move away from them! The OP's been away for ten years.
I have commented to dh that maybe it's because I haven't tried hard enough and have asked for his comments on this (I am aware that I have to take some criticism) I have tried various things but any friends I have made are few and far between and as we don't have time to go our and socialise it makes things a struggle.
mumontherun I work and dh currently doesn't but is searching and retraining also. I am retraining at home in the eves along with looking after dd.
Yes I agree that I have emotional dependency on my family but I don't think that's always a bad thing. We would have additional childcare support, save money with less days in nursery for dd, have the ability to do things at weekends with family (dd has cousins whom she loves to pieces) be able to have time as a couple (again childcare support)
I agree that our relationship needs some work and that's the reason to open discussions and talk through our options but I guess I wanted to make sure I am not being a completely horrible person by trying to get him to agree to go.
I don't think moving would solve everything but I think I would be happier and I think dd would too as she'd have lots more interaction from people she loves.
I always think that living nearing to my parents would solve dh having to spend a week at a time with them as instead I can pop in to say hi and he can stay home instead of being stuck with them 24/7 when we visit.
Cannot believe some of the grief OP is getting on this thread. Very unfair.
Sounds like you've got what I've got (had), Jeminma Puddleduck syndrome. Built your nest in the wrong place and gave it your best shot but it's just not liveable for you and you want something different for your family. I'm in the NW and personally think it's fab but home is where the heart is and nobody else has a right to tell you where that place is. Unfortunately it looks like your DH doesn't feel the same about the move and unless he can muster up a bit of genuine positivity that's going to come back and bite you on the bum, speaking unfortunately from personal experience.
The only thing I would say OP if you decide to move is to keep it all massively positive and make a firm financial plan.
Just start planning. I think if you wait for it to be a joint decision, you'll wait forever. If you plan and then present it (following another poster's suggestion,) as: "Let's try this. If it isn't working after x years, we'll reconsider' it will happen. Be prepared to do the work yourself, including viewing places to live/checking out areas.
Your dd is young. Now is a good time to do this.
I agree that this could be our shot with dd still being young. I am a mess each time we leave and cry half the way home.
I really wish I'd made a different choice after University. Job prospects near my family were always better and I wanted to go back home but I didn't think dh would follow. He says now that he would have had I gone but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
It would've been much easier had we gone 10 years ago but what's done is done and I need to see if it's possible as surely it can't be me who makes every compromise.
I don't think marriage is a game whereby you both take turns to get what you want. I do, however, think it's time you stop marry ring yourself and put what you want first. You sound like you'd be happier down South, with or without your DH. Do it now before its time to think about schools for DC, it sounds like your family will help you?
Your dcs are preschool? Your DH isn't faithful? You hate it and have no career prospects?
Go. Find a job for you, research flats/houses for rent (budget assuming you are going alone). Present to your DH as this is what you are doing and he can come to if he wants.
Stop waiting for him to give you the life that will make you happy, he won't.
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