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Please tell me I'm doing the right thing (I think I am but having a wobble) - long post, sorry X

(20 Posts)
gingergenie Thu 02-Jun-16 22:09:01

I'm currently hiding out in a safe space (don't want to give too much detail just in case and have name changed in case he comes looking as he'd recognise my
Bit of backstory for context: have been with DP for 5 years, felt we were soul mates etc (mutual feelings). In the past 2 years, there have been increasing problems (both volatile) - I had an a mildly abusive childhood, he lost both his parents when he was around 10/11, so safe to say we are both a bit damaged.
We also run a business together, and as he is shit with money, I've taken over the running and management of it, (as well as salvaged the business financially, to allow it to continue trading) along with managing household finances, my kids, and life in general. To date, some of the deal-breaking issues have been: him using cash (from our clients, to be paid into business account) for his own purposes, taking my son's adhd medication (several times, in spite of me confronting him) and generally being very angry/shouty when we have conflict.
This weekend (I posted briefly about this on AIBU) an incident occurred where he flared up, whilst my DM was up for a couple of days, and involved a conflict with my DM, whilst my kids were around, and the anger issues became triggering enough for me to call the police. He didn't hit me, or anyone else, but having been through this before with a SF, and a partner, it brought back a lot of horrible memories that made me act on instinct. Fast forward to today: in spite of me repeatedly telling him I didn't want him at home, he has come home anyway (my DC are with their dad's for a couple of days). I got home after a client appointment to find him showered and in his pyjamas. He was acting as if nothing was out of the ordinary, and when I (admittedly snappily) said I wished he wouldn't pretend everything was normal, it all escalated again. Throuhgout the conversation, I did raise my voice, which probably wasn't wise, but I turned up and he was in his pyjamas and I just felt a bit WTF about it all (he's been away for 2 nights. Anyway, words were exchanged, and ended up shouting and door-slamming and telling me that I was a hypocrite and that I deserved to be shouted at.

I've told him I'm not working with him tomorrow (We have a job to do tomorrow, but I have told him several times over the past 2 days that its a bad idea as its a client-facing role and I don't want us to look unprofessional). I've also reiterated that I want him to find somewhere else to live (to which he has replied "I will...,but I won't be rushed"). I can be very reactive, and I think I still have a lot of unresolved triggers to do with DV, that I haven't dealt with yet, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable. He makes me feel like I am.
If you've read this far, Thankyou. When the door slamming started, I ran away to my office and am sleeping here tonight, but part of me feels like I'm being a drama queen. Some perspective would really be appreciated.

gingergenie Thu 02-Jun-16 22:09:59

Ah shit. Name change thing didn't work????

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Thu 02-Jun-16 22:10:40

He sounds awful. You have children. Do the right thing.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Thu 02-Jun-16 22:13:28

You are doing the right thing. KOKO x

gingergenie Thu 02-Jun-16 22:18:24

Not together no, LadyStark

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Thu 02-Jun-16 22:22:12

No, but you have children. They deserve to live in a calm house free from aggressive violent men. Do the right thing and get him gone.

gingergenie Thu 02-Jun-16 22:29:17

Yes ladystark that's exactly what I e told him, and exactly what I'm trying to do. I grew up in a house filled with horrible incidents like this. I don't want my children to do the same. However in spite of me making it abundantly clear that I don't want him home, he has decided to do just that (as I've said kids are with their dad, so not at risk in any way right now). My children are my first priority but what do I do when someone refuses to do what you've asked? I gave until Sunday morning to get this through to him. He is not listening.

gingergenie Thu 02-Jun-16 22:30:15

Excuse typos and fat fingers, sorry.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Thu 02-Jun-16 22:31:12

Who owns the house? You're not married, is it rented or owned? If it's a joint tenancy you're on tricky ground but personally I'd give him notice then lock him out and bag up his stuff if he doesn't go. That would be illegal if he was on the tenancy agreement but it wouldn't stop me.

gingergenie Thu 02-Jun-16 22:32:52

Sorry ladystark I misread your first reply - I though you meant did we have children together. Thankfully we don't.

gingergenie Thu 02-Jun-16 22:36:44

We rent and he's on the tenancy agreement but I deal with everything financial, including the rental agreements. I have threatened to change the locks but I need LL permission and if he's taken off the tenancy agreement, LL I'm worried we can be chucked out as his (not that great) income was included in the 'affordability' factor. I don't know if that's allowed? I haven't rented since I was 21 so this is new territory for me.

Creasedupcrinkle Thu 02-Jun-16 23:19:49

He took your son's ADHD meds? Why???

gingergenie Thu 02-Jun-16 23:23:50

Because he said he was miserable and fed up about the state of our relationship, and he'd read somewhere that you can snort it like coke, which he did. Because it made him feel better.
The more I write, the more I can see how utterly ridiculous it is of me to think this could work out.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 03-Jun-16 00:01:57

What action did the police after he was, presumably, removed or told to leave your home? Have you been contacted by an officer from your regional police authority's DV unit?

When dc are present at an incident of this nature it's customary for the police to make a referral to SS. Have you been told whether a referral will be/is being made?

The fact that there was more aggression in the form of shouting and doorslamming tonight together with his statement that you "deserve to be shouted at" is further evidence that no lessons have been learned on his part.

This man clearly has no intention of going anywhere and, as it's highly unlikely that he'll take steps to curb his temper when your dc are around, you'll have to be proactive in making him leave.

Find your nearest Women's Aid service here www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and make contact tomorrow with a view to obtaining an occupation order which will require him to leave your home but need not impact on your tenancy agreement if you continue to pay the rent.

Of course it won't "work out" as he's crossed too many boundaries without showing an iota of remorse for his behaviour.

You're far from being a drama queen in wanting your home to be a drama free enivronment in which to raise your dc and I urge you to take steps to prevent them from witnessing any further aggressive incidents asap.

Lilacpink40 Fri 03-Jun-16 00:05:18

You're doing the right thing. Get space to work out what is normal and then keep that normality!

gingergenie Fri 03-Jun-16 00:41:36

Female Police officer spoke to me about women's aid, although I was having a panic attack at the time, so all a bit hazy, but we spoke about SS - I have MH issues and I have a totally irrational fear of SS but understand that when DC are present in a situation where DV could be a possibility, they have to be involved). OH has issues. When he eventually sees his own DCs (or one of them at least) he is always very tense, and I'm aware that he will be tense, so maybe I feed into that problem by pre-empting the tension. Ultimately though, this is about my children, and keeping them (and me, even if it's only in my head) safe. Thankyou all do far for just helping me realise it's not just me going mad and being a moody cow. X

gingergenie Fri 03-Jun-16 00:42:23

Again sorry for typos.

gingergenie Fri 03-Jun-16 00:43:22

goddessofsmallthings not been contacted by anyone yet but assume I will be

BoatyMcBoat Fri 03-Jun-16 14:17:48

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? If not, give them a ring. They can be quite hard to get hold of, so keep trying.

You can also ring 101 and ask for the dv unit, and talk it through with them.

Find a good lawyer too. You may need an order to get him out and keep him out - I don't know, but someone here will.

Keep phoning your LL. Chances are, if you've been a good tenant that s/he'll just want as little fuss as possible and therefore want to keep you on, rather than have to start looking for an altogether new tenant.

gingergenie Fri 03-Jun-16 21:45:31

Thanks Boaty haven't yet. But will try them. Just come back from a 'talk' feel utterly wretched.

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