Should we have another Baby or should I leave?

[duckbear]

I currently have 4 children - 2 from a previous relationship, and 2 with my current DW. When we got together I knew my DW wanted kids so we had 2 DC close together who are now at Senior School. My Wife was happiest when DD was born, and soon after we had DS, which changed everything as he is Autistic and it has been a tough 12 years or so for us both. My DW is in her mid 40s and has struggled with Health Problems and Depression. About 5yrs ago DW had a number of affairs due to an off the cuff remark I made about not wanting any more DCs. At that time I would have had another DC if it meant her not having the affairs and all the heartache since. But I was unaware of the 'remark' I made. We have got over the affairs. Recently she has started taking Folic Acid and she has been testing for Ovulation. I don't want any more DCs as my DW can't cope with our 2 and both of us would struggle with DC on our own. If I tell her that I don't want any more DC, then it is likely that we will go our separate ways as I can't cope with her having affairs again. What do I do?

[Herald]

Why if you don't want to have more children does she feel the need to have affairs ?

[duckbear]

I think that I had upset her and so she went looking - I just don't want the risk of it happening again.

[Wolfiefan]

Nobody has affairs because their partner makes an off the cuff remark.

[Herald]

Well I certainly wouldn't have more children with someone who goes off and has affairs when married , I am surprised you didn't leave the last time .

[Cabrinha]

I'd leave, securing first 50:50 care of my children.
She don't struggle so much then, and she'll have plenty of time for affairs.
Sorry she's put you in this shitty situation.

[Petal40]

My eldest ds is autistic..age 12 was the worst time.just hitting puberty....I recon you've a few difficult yrs with him...why add to the stress....with any luck she wouldn't get pregnant mid 40s anyway.....just use a Johnny and all will be well

[duckbear]

Whilst there were a few other issues, the main one was that she thought that I didn't want any more Kids which I didn't at the time. (Or now) I am realistic and know we couldn't cope

[PurpleDaisies]

I think that I had upset her and so she went looking - I just don't want the risk of it happening again.

Sorry to say but you have other problems in your marriage than one off the cuff remark. You need to decide if you can try to forgive your wife's affairs. If so, counselling is a good idea.

Don't have a child to try and fix the relationship. It won't work.

[Petal40]

Would a kitten fill yr wife's void? Does she just need something to fuss over?

[purplefox]

If its a "have a baby or leave" scenario, then you leave, you don't bring another child into this situation.

[Herald]

So did she have the affairs to punish you or to get pregnant with someone else ? It all seems very disrespectful, maybe you need to think what you want going forwards in life .

[InaMay]

The chances of her conceiving in her mid-40s, while not impossible, are slim. However, OP, it seems you have bigger fish to fry here. You're wife has no respect for you or your feelings, which is evident from her affairs and attempt to get pregnant despite your opinion.

Being totally honest, she sounds troubled and is using a baby as a way to cover up and in some way treat some deeper issues she has. All this is conjecture, of course. You know your wife, what do you think?

[wherearemymarbles]

Leave is the short answer. Mid 40's chance of natural conception is not great. If you go down the ivf route youll be paying what, £10,000 per pop with a 3% chance of success??

Her affairs are nothing to do with your remark, shouldnt be for any sane person. Its easy to be harsh when you dont know some one but she sounds a little bit unhinged to me. Say to her no more kids and of she has an affair your off

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

Don't think a band-aid baby is going to fix this one.

[Cabrinha]

Please don't take these comments about conception in 40s being unlikely as reason to "pretend" - to try, hoping it won't happen but won't be your fault.

Yes, on average it's less likely to happen in your 40s but LOTS of women still conceive.

It is not a low enough risk not to still need protection!

[Summerwalking16]

Leave and build your self esteem you lost somewhere along the way.

[duckbear]

I left my first wife after having an affair leaving her with 2 kids who I still see 16yrs later. I didn't want to cause another 2 kids to come from a broken home, so I let her stay after the affairs - but with hind sight I wished I had let her go. But I don't know if I could cope with the kids on my own - I know that my wife definitely can't.

[Msqueen33]

I have an autistic child and my youngest also looks to have autism. There's three years between the children with autism. For me it's played a huge part in not having any more due to the genetic link. An off the cuff remark doesn't excuse the affairs. I think a frank talk with your wife is in order.

[duckbear]

We can't afford to go our separate ways due to Financial and Practical Reasons, and having a mega frank talk about her not coping with another kid would end badly. I have spent the last year or so avoiding getting her pregnant without making it too obvious. I am coming to the conclusion that she will have to go!

[PacificDogwod]

Nobody can make life-changing decisions like these for you on an internet forum.

I think you would benefit from counselling in RL - either on your own or the 2 of you together.
You seem a bit unclear in your own mind what your want: for you to leave, or her to leave , or you two to stay together but not pursue having further children, or simply her not having affairs?

There is no possible compromise between 'I want another baby' and 'I don't want another baby' but it sounds like that conversation has not been had between you recently. I strikes me as weird unhelpful to not talk about something as big as this.

Tbh, it sounds to me like you are looking for a way out of this relationship/family that you can justify to yourself.
Children whose parents have split up do not come from 'broken homes' and often do better if the separation was handles well and amicably, than children who grow up in an unhappy family environment. The two of you can continue to co-parent even you as a couple don't 'work' anymore.

Wrt to your autistic son: you say that your wife struggles to cope with him? Do you cope better? What support do you as a family have? Or you wife who I assume is his main care giver??

[duckbear]

We have had discussions about how she wouldn't cope with another child - but she emotionally wants another child, I am practical and know that she couldn't cope. Most of the time I am our DS main carer, but I couldn't cope without her help. We have no suitable local close family who can help which is part of the problem.
I don't want to separate but the whole thing is wearing me down.