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On feeling ugly

(17 Posts)
ShouldHavePlayedItCooler Thu 02-Jun-16 11:53:09

I'm in the process of getting divorced, so my confidence has taken a big knock. I've been with my DP almost 3 years, but this still feels like a 'new' relationship as much shorter than my almost 20 year marriage and we have never lived together. My new DP is much more vocal about fancying women/women's looks than my ex and I find this unnerving (yet also an attractive quality, something 'manly' about it!). To rub salt in the wound, his ideal look is not me. I lost a lot of weight in the divorce and am now skinny with tiny (and low!) boobs, rather than the J-Lo look that he seems to prefer. I look okay in clothes with the magic of a good bra, but I always hide my body from DP as much as possible, which I hate doing, but just feel so self-conscious. I think the stress of the past few years is catching up with me on my face too, as used to feel pretty, now when I look in the mirror all I see is every line and blemish. He is younger than me and has a job where a lot of women come on to him, so although he is a loyal person and am not worried about cheating, this doesn't exactly help my self-esteem. Does anyone else feel like this, and if so, how do you manage it? Short of botox and surgery, what can I do?!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Thu 02-Jun-16 12:06:36

I think the main root of your low body confidence is your dp and his comments about other women's bodies. I would find that disrespectful and very demoralising.
Short of making lewd comments in Tesco about other men's biceps and bulges in front of him, try explaining how you feel.
Of course also stop focusing on your perceived flaws and list your good features to try to silence your inner critic.

ShouldHavePlayedItCooler Thu 02-Jun-16 12:20:51

Thanks Nineties. I have thought about bringing this up with him, but as I say, I do like this quality as well and feel it is part of his whole persona, ie he is a red-blooded man who finds women very attractive and he will be thinking such things whether he talks about it or not, so should I really try to silence him? I kind of feel like it's okay to 'window shop', so long as that's as far as it goes and he is fine when I do the same (which I don't a lot, but it doesn't bother him at all when I do). In other words, I feel like it's my insecurity that is the issue, not who he is.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Thu 02-Jun-16 12:31:01

Ok, he finds other women attractive but I hope he is vocal about what he finds attractive about you. Just be aware that if he is subtly eroding your confidence with references to his ideal woman without considering your feelings, he's not being a red blooded male, he's being a twat!
I agree, a divorce can batter your confidence but don't convince yourself that you need to settle for someone unless they make you feel loved and appreciated.

ShouldHavePlayedItCooler Thu 02-Jun-16 12:39:41

When we met he was very vocal about being crazy about me, but it was all focused on my mind and personality, not my looks. Nowadays he no longer mentions any of this. I have asked him to and he says that now we are together he doesn't need to keep saying it and I know it already. He also said it feels unnatural to him to make a point of this and all his exes have complained of the same thing! On the plus side he does many things that make me feel loved and appreciated, it is just this (maybe rather superficial) problem of feeling ugly.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Thu 02-Jun-16 13:00:30

I suppose try not to rely on him to give you confidence but try to build yourself up. It's easier said than done but concentrate on your good points, even write them down or it seems silly but smile at yourself in the mirror and say something complimentary to yourself everyday smile

HotNatured Thu 02-Jun-16 13:27:32

Your DP sounds a bit of a knob to be frank. How do you know that he works in a job where 'a lot of women come onto him'? I'm guessing that he has filled you in with this piece of information. For what purpose?

You say he doesn't compliment you anymore. While it's not his job to bolster your low opinion of yourself, your self esteem must come from you, he is your partner. He should let you know that he finds you desirable and beautiful, otherwise, what's the point really. You're just mates without loving words.

I had a DP like this and I dumped him. I find men who have huge crushes on 'celebs' childish and a bit pathetic and men who ogle other women in my presence disrespectful. I fancy other guys of course I do, I'm a 'red blooded' female, like you say your DP is also 'red blooded'. But I'm a fully grown woman not a manchild hmm

Jan45 Thu 02-Jun-16 13:38:59

Yeah my partner is a red blooded male, he doesn't compare me to any females or pass comments, he should be making you feel like the most beautiful woman alive, not adding to your already fragile self worth.

We all look and we all fancy people, what we don't do is go on about it like a teenager, it's disrespectful regardless.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 02-Jun-16 13:42:42

I think you've picked a partner who gave you a boost when you needed it - you liked his sexual prowess style attitude. Maybe he was very different from your ex husband in that regard?

But now you've outgrown him and it's having the opposite effect. He isn't what you need him to be.

Find someone in the middle ground. Who likes women but is respectful. Who doesn't seem to love the thrill of the chase, like your current DP does. Who makes you feel beautiful and special.

Rightho Thu 02-Jun-16 13:44:36

Your DP sounds a bit of a knob to be frank. How do you know that he works in a job where 'a lot of women come onto him'?

Well to be fair, there are some jobs like this - footballers and actors to name two as well as "famous" (in the sphere) bankers on $$$$ income.

But I agree that the probability is that in this case he is telling the OP about it or hinting at it - which is manipulative shit designed to "keep a woman in her place" by jealousy and insecurity.

ShouldHavePlayedItCooler Thu 02-Jun-16 13:49:10

Thanks for this, you've really made me think. He doesn't go on about any one woman in particular, nor does he compare me to anyone, he will just say if he thinks a woman is hot. I am happy with him saying he finds this or that woman attractive (not going on about it, but the odd comment), but the trouble, I think, is that it's not counter-balanced by him saying anything to make me feel attractive! You're all right, this is his 'job'! It might not come naturally to him, but he surely has to try. I will bring it up with him and see what he says.

ShouldHavePlayedItCooler Thu 02-Jun-16 13:51:37

Re his job, he is a musician, so this is something I've seen rather than him telling me. He is a lovely man, I have no doubts about his integrity, it is just this lack of reassurance that, combined with my low self-esteem, is causing an issue.

P1nkP0ppy Thu 02-Jun-16 13:53:43

Ugh.
He sounds seriously unlikeable to me, and somewhat conceited.
😳

Thefitfatty Thu 02-Jun-16 13:57:17

My Dh may make the odd comment about finding another woman attractive, but it's more to tease me. He makes it VERY clear that he fancies the pants off me, and has done so when I was 50 lbs overweight and 9 months pregnant, and the slim size 6 I was when I met him.

I had a fling with a guy that sounds like your DP (before I met DH), he would always go on about what he was looking for in a woman, and it was almost always based around looks. We didn't last, but remained friends and after awhile he met a girl who, while athletic, was a bit bigger then his spoken preference and not quite his ideal looks. She was really lovely, smart, talented woman. Absolutely awesome. They got married and it lasted 3 years. He left her for a cross fit junky. (ex wife has now met a wonderful guy who loves her to bits, regardless of how she looks).

In my opinion, once a shallow asshole, always a shallow asshole.

thedogdaysareover Thu 02-Jun-16 19:41:23

Have to agree that he sounds like a knob. I drink in a pub where the staff are all absolutely gorgeous (because the manager is a knob, and clearly you don't get a job there unless you are extremely gorgeous, both men and women). There's a particular girl up there that my eyes are on stalks about only because she is so amazing looking. I've noticed they're all gorgeous, my male friends clearly have noticed they're all gorgeous, so has my husband unless he is blind, but I never get to hear about this from any of them. It is knobbish behaviour to say this stuff to you, very very bad manners, no wonder you feel you might be ugly. I bet you're not. Women are gorgeous imho, I personally feel every woman I know has at least one gorgeous feature physically. What is your gorgeous feature OP?

thedogdaysareover Thu 02-Jun-16 19:43:43

And the reason I am able to drink up there and appreciate it all and not feel ungorgeous myself is because the DH tells me I am gorgeous and why. I've got a big nose, small tits and a raucous laugh, gutter humour, fairly crap hair after an illness, but clearly he doesn't see the way I critique myself. Find someone like this lady, I hate for any woman to feel ugly because of a knob.

ShouldHavePlayedItCooler Thu 02-Jun-16 20:11:53

Oh that is lovely, thank you all smile OK, my gorgeous feature... I have nice eyes and nice hair when it's just been highlighted and, oooh, you've got me on a roll now!... nice hips oddly, my waist is small and my hips are of the child-bearing variety! It's really mainly my tiny floppy boobs that I just hate, and my face getting lines, I think none of this would've bothered me growing old gracefully in a happy marriage you know, but my ex fell in love with another (much younger) woman after 2 kids and almost 20 years together so I do feel very insecure about anything that seems ageing now that I am, in effect, starting again with someone.

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