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It's like the fog has lifted.

(42 Posts)
Onetoetree Thu 02-Jun-16 01:28:49

My husband is emotionally/verbally abusive and try's to control me, the thing is l have let him. I need help to form an exit plan.

We have been married nearly 9 years have a 4yo and a 6 month old. We are not happy because he won't let us be, he brings negativity and anger home with him and we are walking on egg shells.

I don't know what happened but l looked in the mirror last week and l didn't recognise myself l have put on so much weight and have stopped taking care of myself. I was sitting on my bed crying because he had just been screaming in my face that "it was me that wanted children and why we had s second one he doesn't know because l can't cope,l'm a shit mother, he never wanted our daughter" l had 3 miscarriages between my son and my daughter, so to me it's the worst thing he could of said. I say screaming and l mean it there was spit and everything. This isn't a one off occasion either. I was sitting there crying because of the words he had said to me and l felt like l had an out of body experience and a talk with the old me a stronger version of me. It made me stop crying. I actually came on to post but l have bottled out of it 4 times, God knows if l will post this. The thing that started him off was l asked him if he wouldn't mind taking the full washing basket up stairs "didn't l realise he had been to work he shouldn't have to come home and do this".

I have to leave for the sake of my children l grew up in a home were there was violence and emotional/verbal and threatening abuse and l am not going to give my children a life time of memories l have. I have maybe £2000 in savings our house is mortgaged and he has money in a separate account about £50,000 from savings and redundancy. I was made redundant but l have spent it all on the children because he doesn't give me anything for them unless l ask, well feels like begging.

I am so annoyed that l have been taken in by him, before we married l had my own home and money, now l'm scared l will never have my own home again. I have a well paid job and wasn't going to go back till November but l think l need to go back asap to get some money behind me to get away.

Tonight my ds asked if we could go out before daddy came home, what have l done to my poor little boy.

How do l get out of this?

What do l need?
I have been looking at home to rent not far from ds's school.

What will happen with the house?

I can't afford to pay half a mortgage, rent and childcare fee's.

In January l started for some bizarre reason saving all the abusive message he wasted texting me from another room, my sister knows about what is going on but told me to take it easy on him because his mums in a care home, l should of known after our childhood she would of had this reaction, even after she heard him screaming at me. I also have recordings of him having one of his tantrums too,

I'm so sorry this is long, l'm feeding my little one and she is worth so much more than putting up with this from him.

I think l will phone women's aid in the morning or is that just for violence?

I think I need help forming my action plan to escape. I am being brave, l am going to press create this time.

Somerville Thu 02-Jun-16 01:35:14

Women's Aid isn't just for physical violence and you should definitely call them. Their line is open 24/7 if you want to talk tonight. Tell them about the tests you've saved. The police might be interested in those.

You're brave to write this and post it, and even more so to have formulated a plan.

Please don't listen to your sister. Listen to the old you, to that sudden light that switched on and showers you that you need to get out. And listen to your son, who doesn't want to be in the house with your husband. flowers

Somerville Thu 02-Jun-16 01:39:04

Texts not tests

And showed you not showers you

In case you need more help tonight:

0808 2000 247 - Women's Aid

And here's their link to what is domestic abuse

Baconyum Thu 02-Jun-16 01:51:28

Plus verbal violence is still violence but yea women's aid will help.

Who owns the house?

The fact you're married will help financially.

I'm assuming he's on birth certs?

The texts and recording will help prove abuse, has he ever hit you? Abused spouses are entitled to legal aid (not sure if means tested though).

Get all financial papers together, bank and pay statements, mortgage docs, loan and debt paperwork, passports, birth certs, marriage cert (not an exhaustive list there may be one on women's aid site).

If you're well paid you might be surprised what you can afford.

Is he well paid? He'll have to pay maintenance for the dc at least. There's an online calculator. You may have to go through cms.

You'll be surprised at yourself. I split from my ex ostensibly due to him cheating but he was abusive too I just denied/minimised (I get the me now me then thing. Me now would tell the me then 'why you putting up with this? Get rid!') but it's really hard to

A recognise

B accept - I was a 'strong' woman, that doesn't happen to strong women right hmm

C face having to tell people. The cheating was last straw and a 'respectable' reason for leaving.

You CAN DO THIS but that doesn't mean there anything wrong with getting as much help and support as possible.

Hidingtonothing Thu 02-Jun-16 01:58:43

I second WA as your next step OP, what you're suffering is most definitely abuse and they're there to help with all types, not just physical violence. They are exactly the right people to help you put a plan together and will know the best way to get you and your DC away safely. I want to cheer for the 'old you' coming back to life just when you need her most, that strength is still inside you and will get you through this even when it feels impossibly hard, keep listening to her and she will become more and more 'real' again. You've been so brave posting this and it was absolutely the right thing to do, there are brilliant posters on this board and some will have been exactly where you are now so keep talking here too, I'm sure you'll get some good advice in the morning. In the meantime I'm more than happy to keep you company if you can't sleep and need a hand to hold, you've taken the first step now and you should be really proud of that flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 02-Jun-16 07:13:27

See a solicitor to find out what you'll likely get and what the process is. It might seem like a scary step but it is one you have to take to get out. I think you don't realise how many options you have. For example you seem to assume that you will move out of the house or have to take the full mortgage and that 50k is entirely his. Nah. Marriage means that it is all pooled in law, so "your" money that got spent on family stuff and "his" money are all seen as the same pot, the savings will be split between you.

Better get a lawyer with experience of domestic violence because they'll know how to deal with a bully. Women's Aid might give you a list of suitable solicitors.

Get the facts. Then you can plan your exit.

Flak32016 Thu 02-Jun-16 08:17:16

You are doing the right thing - escape to freedom and happiness

redgoat Thu 02-Jun-16 08:26:50

Can't add new advice but you can do this. You are worth more. flowers

hellsbellsmelons Thu 02-Jun-16 08:28:37

You know what you need to do and you already a plan in place.
It's a brave bold move and you can do it.
To save yourself and more importantly your DS.
WA will help you with an exit plan and they can point you in the direction of local support services.
You are about to stop the abuse cycle.
You are going to show your DS that no-one has to put up with abuse.
Well done!
Get paperwork together and out of the house if you can.
But make sure you keep yourself safe.
One step at a time.
WA then a solicitor.
Good luck.

PurpleWithRed Thu 02-Jun-16 08:33:57

Records are good. Get statements or at least account numbers of all your and his bank accounts, also any pension information for either of you. See a solicitor.

How does he behave towards your son? If badly, record that and what your child says too.

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 02-Jun-16 09:31:16

Get copies that show the money he has stashed in the savings account, and any other money or assets.

Get a solicitor - WA can recommend local solicitors who have experience dealing with abusive spouses in divorce cases.

Do NOT tell him anything about your plans until you are safely out with the DC.

Good luck - you can do this. He only tells you awful things about yourself to keep you down. In fact, you are perfectly capable of coping without him, and this is what he most fears.

Petal40 Thu 02-Jun-16 09:48:59

Start planning and finding documents...open a bank account in yr name ,start putting money aside.find yr passport and bank statements.can you start slowly taking yr things to a friends / relatives house,in case you have to suddenly leave,and can't grab any stuff.......OR....could you wait till he goes to work and is gone for the day ,pack up all his stuff and get the locks changed.send his stuff in black bin bags by taxi to his parents house ....tell his parents exactly what he has been doing,and if they want to see the grandkids they had better keep him away from you....

bucketsandaceofspades Thu 02-Jun-16 09:55:48

Some great advice above, OP.
You CAN do this for you & your kids. Stay strong & keep going wink

Onetoetree Thu 02-Jun-16 11:13:23

Thank you all so much, luckily l do most of the family admin and all the documents mentioned l have just been and photocopied them. I have an appointment two weeks on Monday with a solicitor, there was on l could see sooner but l didn't get a good feeling from the receptionist.

Randomly my dad has just rang and asked if me and the children want to go away with him and my mum till Sunday, l am going to drive over tonight so we can travel tomorrow together.

He goes away on Monday for 3 days with work. I am going to go to the police on Monday and see my fil and sil on Monday and tell them what is going on. My sil will be more understanding than my sister, she is always telling me she doesn't know how l put up with him.

Him and my son have a ok relationship, but my ds always asks why he ruins our nice day by shouting, ds is always with me and now l think of it they rarely spend time alone and when the shouting begins l shield him from it.

He is at work, we arnt in any immediate danger. I think he is a product of his up bringing were his mother was the aggressor. Him being the golden child, she always used to go on about him being the first born.

I feel numb about it all relieved that'll posted and sommerville thank you for the quick reply as soon as l read it l felt like someone had taken the time to hear me and l slept well for the first time in six days.

Thank you all for your replies l really appreciate it. I am doing the right thing l have no doubt about it. I just need the new me to believe the old me.

Somerville Thu 02-Jun-16 11:33:57

I'm glad you slept well, Onetoetree. smile

And I'm even gladder that you're going away with your parents.

Have you had a think about contacting Women's Aid?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 02-Jun-16 11:46:04

I just need the new me to believe the old me
She will get there.
It will take some time but you will be fabulous very soon!

I'm glad you get to go away for a little while.
You are doing all the right things so just keep going!

whambamthankyoumaam Thu 02-Jun-16 14:28:16

YES! I'm glad you are leaving him and he time away with your family and him away with work is good. It breaks my heart that your son asks to go out before his dad gets home, that just shows that in all of this you have to get out for their sake. They need a happy home not to be treading on egg shells.

Make sure you have all passports and important documents - probably best to keep them at a friend or family members house until you get out. You don't want him keeping any of that stuff from you.

Here's a website about dividing a mortgage during a separation:

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/dividing-the-family-home-and-mortgage-during-divorce-or-dissolution

Good luck and please keep up updated, I'm glad you posted xxx

Onetoetree Thu 02-Jun-16 16:56:52

Thank you all, l'm so overwhelmed with the support. somerville l will call WA on Monday or look over the website at the weekend including the money advice website as well thank you whambam

I am in two minds weather to tell my mum and dad over the weekend, but l don't want them to think l am going to move nearer to them because l like living away from them because of my childhood.

Me and ds talked in the car whilst driving to my parents and l told him l was going to make sure all our days were as happy as l can and we are going to have a no shouting rule and he said he will wear his cape and put daddy on the naughty chair for shouting. He is such a fabulous little boy l can't believe l put him through this, but at least l am getting us out and hopefully it will turn into a distant memory in years to come.

Hidingtonothing Thu 02-Jun-16 17:41:26

Sounds like it might be best to figure out exactly what you want to do before you involve your mum and dad so you can present it to them as a done deal, the last thing you need is pressure from anyone to do what they think you ought to at the moment. I would just use the time with your parents to relax and clear your head without anyone pressuring you to do what they think you should do. You're right all this will be a distant memory for your little boy, giving him a happy, shouting-free future will go a long way to repairing the damage your DH has done, you're on the right track OP, keep going flowers

gingersam Thu 02-Jun-16 20:48:44

Great advice here just keep the momentum going don't look back you can do it life will be so much better for you and your lovely children

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 02-Jun-16 21:26:34

I wouldn't tell anyone except SIL, solicitor and WA until you have actually split up.

You need to keep it totally secret from him while you get your ducks in a row.

The last thing you need is people giving you a hard time about it or possibly even warning him.

Baconyum Fri 03-Jun-16 06:02:14

Yes timing is everything careful who you tell and when.

Your boy sounds fab!

wannabestressfree Fri 03-Jun-16 06:10:35

Everyone else is right... play your cards close to your chest. Forwarned is forearmed. Start looking at properties to rent if you Don't want to stay in the marital home. I didn't. We had a fresh start and it was exactly what we needed.

DoreenLethal Fri 03-Jun-16 06:14:07

Well done love, i am so glad that the fog lifted.

Your lad sounds fab. But yes, keep it to just those that you know have got your back until you are safe.

Onetoetree Wed 08-Jun-16 00:40:19

Hi Ladies

Just thought l would update.

I told my dad whilst away for the weekend, we had a great time and it helped me get things straight in my head. I had a little bit of a wobble and thought l was over reacting to what l put up with. I couldn't go to the police on Monday as my ds didn't go to school as it was teacher training day ( yes l am that mum that turns up a day early!!!). I did however get a valuation on the house as l don't want to live here when it's over as l want to be away.

I spoke to woman's aid and l felt so much better another person saying "yes you are worth more". I also looked at the other website which was recommended for clarification and help to understand what l would be entitled too, l was really surprised. I will also be eligible for child tax credits, l also think l am either going to drop s day at work or look for s less stressful job. I have a house viewing tomorrow, it isn't that far away, it is a house very similar to the house l owned by myself except with an extra bedroom and 4 times the cost ( l bought my first house in the late 2002 before the housing market blew up).

My dad, blew me away. I didn't realise in my early teens he went to anger management and my parents then went to marriage therapy, looking back l think things did change when l was about 14, but it was too late and then they were suffocating. My dad has offered to purchase a house for me and when it's all settled l can take on the mortgage, he can afford to do this, l didn't know he has been paying half my sisters mortgage for 5 years, but he says it's her inheritance from our nan and he would like to do something similar for me l have said no, the help will be repaid. I am never ever going to ever own a house with anyone but me ever again, that way me and my children will always have somewhere to live. I am going to leave going to the police for abit as l want to be away from him before it all kicks off properly. I am going to give my dad all my paper work tomorrow, he is coming to view the house with me.

I feel so so much better knowing l'm in control of my life again, l just need to try not be to brazen about it. Yesterday morning he went to kiss me first time in months and l backed away and he said he had missed us. I told him to enjoy his trip which had been extended to Friday thankgod and then l have plans all weekend. 12 -16 weeks l will potentially be free, well living somewhere else feeling happy and relaxed.

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