Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Need honest opinions please!

(24 Posts)
hurtforever Wed 01-Jun-16 15:31:33

Would you let your dd see their father if he was a narcissist?

Basically dd father didn't bother much with her up until now, last time he saw her was many years ago and even before that he wasn't really that bothered (he once said he would never be her father)!
He contacted me saying he would like to see her, this was months ago!
Lately he doesn't really mention her anymore and is more interested in messing my head up, as I guess I am his narcissistic supply, that he loves to abuse.

I know dd wants to see him but her father is not a nice person (apart from being a narcissist, he suffers from depression and alcoholism) and I'm scared he will mess her up as well.
Only recently I realised he was a narcissist, I guess that explains a lot of things, that I couldn't understand before! Our communication is terrible (which would be a problem), basically because he loves the silent treatment and sometimes he will just start a conversation via text just so I reply back and then he can ignore me. Yes he is sick like that and he is worse now than he was years ago (It really is true that narcissists get worse with age).
So I'm completely confused, because dd wants to see him, I don't actually know what her fathers intentions really are! Do I just say no and then dd will grow up thinking I've stopped her father from seeing her (her father accused me of this even though he was the one that walked away from us to be with someone else, of course! Everything is also always my fault!)? Or do I let him see her and risk him messing her up?

I feel so guilty for getting involved with someone like him, I'm not sure I can ever be happy again, he messed me up that bad! I do everything to give my dd the best life I can and she is doing great, but inside I hurt really bad and everyday I have to pretend that I am ok.
Many thanks

MatrixReloaded Wed 01-Jun-16 15:36:23

No I wouldn't. Narcs are known for turning children against the other parent.

hurtforever Wed 01-Jun-16 15:38:40

Thank you MatrixReloaded

I'm not even sure whether he actually wants to see her. I think he just wants to mess with my head because he is very unhappy and depressed at the moment and messing with my head somehow seems to help him, he enjoys it!

MidnightVelvetthe5th Wed 01-Jun-16 15:40:15

How old is she?

I'd say no its not in her best interests to see him, but how you would phrase that depends on her age. And I'm confused as to why you are answering his texts or engaging with him?

EarthboundMisfit Wed 01-Jun-16 15:41:17

It sounds like you have a lot of contact with him. Is it strictly necessary?

hurtforever Wed 01-Jun-16 15:54:01

Every now and then he contacts me and I reply but I'm done now and if he contacts me again I will just ignore him as I had enough of his abuse and it starting to really affect me.

Dd is 10

hellsbellsmelons Wed 01-Jun-16 15:57:48

I would ignore him from now on.
If he's messed with your head so badly then don't him do the same to your DD.
Too toxic for you mean too toxic for her.
How old is she?

hurtforever Wed 01-Jun-16 16:08:49

Thanks for your reply.

She is 10, last time she saw him she was 3

pouncehill Wed 01-Jun-16 18:43:43

Personally I wouldn't. We're in a similar situation but with DPs father. We've both agreed for our DS's sake not to let him have contact with his grandad as he is a very abusive man. However when DS is old enough, if he wishes to see his grandad then he can. Until that time he has nothing to do with him (and has been far happier since this man hasn't been in his life)

chocolateworshipper Wed 01-Jun-16 22:46:15

Would some kind of supervised visitation be possible? That way you are not completely denying your DD seeing her father, but you could someone else there that you trust that could ensure that the dad isn't doing / saying anything harmful to DD

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 02-Jun-16 07:20:44

No. And you have to have a frank conversation with her about alcoholism, people who enjoy hurting other people and how to deal with them. She needs to know that he is dangerous and will almost certainly hurt her to hurt you. Also, I'd say it is useful to discuss how people feel a deep need for parent's love and how it feels when your parent can't give you what you need (him not you!)

He might try to make direct contact with her as she gets older. She needs to be forewarned.

Isetan Thu 02-Jun-16 07:50:59

I think you should really focus on getting yourself stronger and properly detaching from him. For someone who hasn't seen their daughter for seven years, I can't fathom what there was to talk about.

What have you told your DD about her father and his absence up until now? I chose the, not every person can handle the responsibility of being a parent line but my DD's father is serious about being part of her life again, then our lawyers have drawn up a document which details the process (supervised contact at a Contact Centre) of how he should go about it. I spent four years doing all the work for a man who desperately wanted contact with his daughter and when I made it clear that I was no longer going to do the work, he decided to terminate contact.

Don't get caught up in psychological diagnosis, he's a twat and you don't need a specialist training to make that observation.

Detach, detach, detach.

Claraoswald36 Thu 02-Jun-16 11:18:04

Ignore him until he gets a solicitor. I bet he doesn't.
Seriously. Ignore him and block his number. You need to detach for the both of you. If he gets the courts involved then deal with that at the time but just now focus on you and your child and forget him he sounds vile.

hurtforever Sat 04-Jun-16 08:36:24

Thank you for all the replies. I've decided I don't want him in my daughters life but now he is making me feel guilty and being nasty... for some reason I feel guilty, don't know what to do?

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 04-Jun-16 09:00:40

You feel guilty because you're a nice person, and he uses that against you.

Block his number, it will make it easier to ignore him.

What have you told DD about him? You say she wants to see him. Have you told her about his request? I don't believe that's necessary: since you know he's only doing it to yank your chain, she doesn't need to be involved. It's not in her best interest to see him, and it's also not in her best interest to know that he asked to see her: that will only mess with her feelings.

mum2Bomg Sat 04-Jun-16 09:06:13

Here's my experience, not judgment...

My Dad was a nightmare and couldn't look after a pot plant let along me or my brother. My Mum let us see him, never criticised him and we worked it out for ourselves. If you let her see him on shortish visits she can observe his behaviour and also speak to you when she gets back. We were always open and honest about his behaviour as Mum never had a comment to make. We came to our own conclusions...

hurtforever Sat 04-Jun-16 09:08:40

RiceCrispieTreats thank you for your reply. I asked my dd a while ago if she remembered her father and she said she would like to see him, other than that she never speaks about him because she hardly knows him.

Heatherjayne1972 Sat 04-Jun-16 09:11:02

I would ignore him until he gets a solicitor involved ( bet he wont tho)
My ex is hell bent on turning my kids against me and there's nothing I can do since he's been in their lives all along and I can't stop them seeing him

hurtforever Sat 04-Jun-16 09:13:43

mum2Bomg thank you for your reply. I thought about doing that but dd hardly knows her father, he is a stranger so I would want to be present while he is with her at least for a while. I know he will be totally against this. I'm not sure I have the strength in me to be in a "battle' with him in the next few years. I don't think he will agree to anything I say or respect me.

hurtforever Sat 04-Jun-16 09:15:33

Heatherjayne1972 thank you for your reply. I'm pretty sure he won't get a solicitor, surely that says something about him, right?

mum2Bomg Sat 04-Jun-16 09:33:40

Have you asked her if she wants to? I always felt there was a big gap where my Dad should have been. I worked out used he'd never fill it. I hadn't seen my Dad since I was 3 - saw him once when I was 7 - he turned up on a family holiday when I was 11. I didn't even know who he was but we spent the day with him (if that's what you call being ignored while he windsurfed). I was totally unimpressed but it helped to see who he really was. Then we could go back to Mum and be honest about that. It helped me lots and now he's dead I don't feel I missed out on anything he had to offer as it didn't exist.

hurtforever Sat 04-Jun-16 13:30:43

I think I need to sit down with my dd and see what she wants. I don't know what to do anymore to be honest!

springydaffs Sat 04-Jun-16 14:21:37

I definitely wouldn't. No good will come of it.

Well done for keeping him out of your lives thus far. Keep going in the same vein.

hurtforever Sat 04-Jun-16 14:41:44

springydaffs Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it as I have no one to talk to about this.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now