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I need a friend.

(9 Posts)
sugarplumfairy28 Tue 31-May-16 18:09:38

Sorry in advance this is most likely to be long winded.

I used to have a very very good relationship with my Mum. She would look after our children 2-3 days a week while I worked full time. If I didn't see her in a day we would call each other.

3 ish years ago DH and I decided we were going to emigrate (rent in Germany). We went to my parents to tell them of our decision. The plan then changed due parents needing to sell their house and wasn't going to be left with enough capital to buy in the UK. Long story short, parents would buy a house (specifically a 2 generation house, very common here) which suited both our needs. DH and I would pay household bills. The house in my inheritance.

So 2 years ago, we came house hunting, we found a house but it didn't meet mine and DH's needs. In the long run it could do, but even in the short term it wasn't good. My parents really wanted the house, and promised that certain things would be done within 2 or 3 months to make it livable. I took them at their word and agreed we would go for this house.

It's hard to explain, the house is 4 story's in total. Cellar, ground floor, 1st floor and 2nd floor which is only part converted. Mum has the cellar and ground floor. The only entrance is on the ground floor. The 1st floor is sort of split in two. There are 2 bedrooms off the landing, and a partition with a door, behind this door is our living room, kitchen, bathroom and one bedroom. This is what we have to live in. The children hate the door and both have expressed feeling isolated being in either of the 2 bedrooms. Last week, I single handily finished installing a kitchen, we have had work benches and no cupboards for 2 years, Mum actually had a tantrum because it's nicer than hers. The bathroom still isn't finished and is beyond my knowledge to do it, my Dad has given up.

My Mum has turned into a controlling and manipulative obsessed person. She constantly nags me about paying more than what the bills are, for reasons unknown. She screams and shouts if she doesn't get her way. They go to bed very early (9pm) and complain endlessly if we are out past that. Mum has told me several times that we can NOT! have any more children, or pets. When DH is at work she talks to me in the horrific way. They completely take the children for granted but Mum actually has a go at the children for 'ignoring' her when my in-laws are over (who the children haven't seen for months). My Mum made a huge huge fuss for my brothers 30th birthday, for mine (in Feb) I literally got nothing, in fact I got a lectre about how it's no big deal, and that when she was 30 it was no big deal, her gift to me was babysitting the night before so DH and I could go to someones housewarming party, I hadn't been out socially since the July before... which was actually a BBQ we hosted and my parents actually offended our guests so much they left.

DH has a 3 hour each way commute and is very tired. Our children are not happy, I think partly because Daddy is basically a weekend Daddy and this constant bad air in the house. We are waiting for a call on a new job for him. We're now in a position to move out due to money, and if we do, I will lose my Dad (who isn't the problem but seems like a beaten down shell of what he used to be) and DD will lose her very special relationship she has with him.

I just need a friend, I feel so bullied and low in general

Redcampion111 Tue 31-May-16 19:06:26

Poor you, it sounds awful. You must feel really beaten down by it all going on so long, spoiling your immediate family life, and with nowhere to run and hide to get away from it.

But now you're in a position to move out, right? That's great. You can tell your dad privately how you feel, and set up ways to keep close to him, look after him, and maintain your DDs relationship with him.

The children will benefit from not having all this anger and negative emotion flying about them

I wouldn't bother getting involved in discussing the reasons with your mother. You might just get distracted by arguments about the past and promises for change in the future.

Can you spin the story of your DPs new job so that it sounds like you just HAVE TO move out, you have no choice.

(Trying to preserve your inheritance grin )

sugarplumfairy28 Tue 31-May-16 19:13:29

Unfortunately we're not in a position to move out yet. If DH gets the new job, he will have a 6 month probation, so making any life changing decisions in that period would seem premature, and possibly put more stress on DH.

To be honest, I'm really not bothered about the inheritance, it was never my motivation. It was an agreement we made that kinda of justified DH and I paying all the bills. My Mum (and Dad) only has her car expenses and shopping to worry about. Having said that, they didn't have any income at all last year and I even had to pay out for that too. I was seriously guilt tripped into doing so. They've put us in a serious amount of debt in doing so too.

Elllicam Tue 31-May-16 19:21:24

Could you not rent a cheap flat somewhere nearer your DH's work? I would get out at all costs it sounds dire.

DragonRojo Tue 31-May-16 19:40:17

I think you need to get out of there before the stress starts affecting you, the children and your relationship with DH. The current situation sounds horrendous.

simonettavespucci Tue 31-May-16 19:53:04

If you genuinely always had a really good relationship with your DM and her behaviour now is totally out of character, is there any possibility she's suffering from early dementia or similar, perhaps exacerbated by an unfamiliar environment?

sugarplumfairy28 Tue 31-May-16 20:04:50

DH currently hates his job, even if we were to move closer he is still looking for another job, no guarantee it will be the same area. We have just come to an arrangement with the bank about the debt, so it will be a good few months to come up with a deposit for a new place. We can afford to rent, but any move needs to be the last.

We rented in the UK and basically had to move every 12 months, the kids didn't like it. They're still adjusting to not seeing my in laws, cousins and old friends, the rest of my family etc. So although my Mum is awful, it might be a while before the children forgive DH and I. We live in a small village and it is almost certain any move is going to involve a move in school and kindergarten.

DS (7) did reception in the UK, 1 year of Kindergarten and is near the end of his 1st year of German school. Uprooting him from school is a big deal. He (is amazing) does speak German, but it's having learned with these people, the friends he has, and their friendship which makes him more confident in speaking German. DD (5) hasn't picked up German quite as quickly but she can get by, but she is very very fussy who she speaks to. Kindergarten for her has been very stressful, the first 9 months or so was awful and I felt beyond guilty in having done this to her. She has maybe 2 people who she will go to without question, if they're not there, getting her in can be a bit more difficult.

To move both of them will be hard on both of them, especially as I was so blinded by my parents promises, that I promised the children we would never move house again.

The stress affects me more than I care to admit. I will get severe headaches for around 10 days if Mum is on the war path. I don't really eat, I usually have dinner because DH does. I also for some reason cannot sleep properly living in a flat, I think it's the concept of not going 'up' to bed, I feel like I'm in the living room or something and find myself getting up and wondering around for no reason.

sugarplumfairy28 Tue 31-May-16 20:11:10

simonettavespucci it is something I have been considering more and more actually. My Nan, her mother passed away last year from Alzheimer's. My Mum has always whinged about her sisters having more than her, and is generally jealous of what they have, some have earned it, others have been lucky shall we say.

Her memory does seem to be getting worse, but I'm not sure how much of that is to make her argument suit her. She doesn't speak German but has never had any interest in learning, as her and my Dad are joined at the hip and Dad is fluent. They do not socialise at all, never have done either.

After watching my Nan slowly leave us, and her reaction to the diagnosis (her Mum also had it) I have no idea whatsoever on how to approach the subject with Mum.

simonettavespucci Tue 31-May-16 22:19:24

That sounds extremely stressful sugarplum - I really sympathise with the inability to sleep because your house doesn't feel like home - it's a horrible feeling. I wonder if it's as much to do with having your DPs downstairs, so you aren't really settled, as having no upstairs.

For your DM, is there any chance of getting your DDad on side and sounding out what he thinks is going on? Or your DB? To me it looks like you really have to move, once your DP has a more fixed job, but I can see that it's not easy, and the current situation is horrible.

Also, you might get more advice on here posting with a different thread title - I reckon people usually post much more on threads about difficult family dynamics than on ones about not having friends, which is what this looks like at first glance.

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