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Have I done the right thing?(10 Posts)
I'm a long time lurker and apologise in advance for long post!
I was with ex-p for almost 5 years. We have a DD (2) together and I have a DD (13) from a previous relationship.
Our DD is a challenging child. She never sleeps all night, can be and is sick at will, very strong willed, If she doesn't want to wear something particular she'll make herself sick or if she doesn't want to go to bed. She's a really fussy eater, she also has a hearing loss and should wear hearing aids, but won't.
We split up a few weeks ago. There were numerous reasons, he smokes weed (never in the house or around children) and I told him a long time ago that I never wanted that to be a part of my life. I thought he had stopped (more or less) but he has just been more sneaky about it.He is very irresponsible with money, spends it like there is no tomorrow, bets, scratchcards, etc. He moved in with me and DD's (I have a mortgage on my home) when DD2 was 1. It was kind of put upon us as he was made homeless and it was the logical thing to do. We went halves on the bills even though I work part time and earn half of what he does. I didn't mind this at first as I never wanted to feel like he was 'keeping' me, but I did start to feel quite resentful of it, especially when I was buying things (cigarettes) for him at the end of the month as he had no money left. He asked for something to be drawn up so that if we broke up, he would have some kind of claim on my home as he was contributing half the mortgage so to speak. I said no as that is mine and my children's security. I should have worded it better, but I likened it to a tenant not having rights to a landlords property. After that, he made a point of dropping into every conversation possible that it wasn't his home.
He is very touchy-feely and wants to say/be told I love you at every possible opportunity. At the end of a day, sometimes all I wanted to do it sit quietly on the sofa and not be touched. Having a two year old climbing over you all day does that! But he takes that as rejection because he wants me to be touching him all the time. If I don't want to be touching him, I need to lay with my head on a cushion on his lap. I haven't felt like I made him happy for a long time and never felt like anything I said/did was good enough. He always thinks he's right, even rewinding the TV to check whether someone said what I said they did. Petty stuff, but gets on top of you.
When it came to him moving out a few weeks ago, I was really unsure it was the right thing. I do love him and my DD is very attached to him, to split our family up over what seem like trivial things that could be fixed seemed stupid. He hasn't moved far (literally 1 minute away..) and we are having 50/50 access with her.
I am a strong person when I am not in a relationship, but seem to turn into a doormat whenever I am in a relationship. I don't know why. I always feel like I have to do what the other person has said, become incapable of making a decision, always try to please (but rarely seem to succeed), etc.
I feel relieved now he is gone, and like there is less pressure on me. but there is still a niggle that I am not doing the right thing. He tells me all the time that he misses us all and how he wishes he was with us, etc and it makes me feel guilty and does pull on my heart strings. I do love him and don't want to see him hurting.
I guess what I want to know is if I've done the right thing?! I know I can only really answer that, but has anyone else been through something similar?
Oh god yes yes yes you did the right thing, he's not the one for you and a cocklodger to boot, you are well rid, he did nothing but make you miserable.
Totally yes you did the right thing, show your girls what being a strong woman means! You'll probably find you have more respect from your strong willed girly later that way anyway and you don't deserve to be treated that way! Focus on your own healing now and don't look back on that horrible relationship!
Why did you go for 50-50 access? I wouldn't have done that in your place.
He is good Dad and my DD loves him to pieces. She is used to seeing us both and I didn't want to change that. He is living so close, it is easy enough in practice and means we are now both getting some proper sleep which we haven't for the last 2.5 years. I did originally blame a lot of this on our lack of sleep, but now I know it goes deeper than that.
I didn't see my Dad from the age of 5 and don't feel like it did me any favours. My older DD has very sporadic contact with her Dad and has very low confidence and self esteem. Obviously, I don't know that is what caused these problems, but I'm sure they haven't helped.
He's not a good dad, he made himself homeless and landed on you both emotionally and financially, he spends money on weed instead of his children fgs, what's good about him exactly, he sounds like a total user.
Not having a dad around doesn't necessarily cause a child any anxiety, my own daughter was raised without her dad being around, she had all my brothers and my own father as well as other good role models, she is my pride and joy and has turned into an amazing 30 year old lady with a fantastic career and personal life so for me, I don't buy that, I don't think he puts anyone first apart from himself going by what you have written.
The trouble with 50:50 is that he is then supposed to pay 50:50 for everything - nursery costs, clothes, food etc. Frankly, it doesn't sound as though he will do that. And of course there's no child maintenance and you should split any benefits associated with having a child. Given what you say about him, I wouldn't do that with him.
He is very free and easy with money, we have worked out what he needs to pay using the child maintenance service calculator and he's paid it, I have no reason to think that he won't. If I'd have asked for more money at the time, he'd have given it to me, I just wanted it to be fair. I didn't think about in the fact I'd taken a reduction in my salary to take care of our child, or that I took responsibility for housework, cooking, laundry, food shopping, bills, etc. If I'd have asked him to do any of those things, he would've, I'm just not very good at asking for help. I offered 50/50 access as I don't think it's fair on our DD to see him any less. She's loves him, she always asks for him, he's good with her, always takes her out, plays with her, I don't think I should ruin their relationship just because ours is over.
Can I just say re the hearing aids. I am deaf and recently had my first set of digital hearing aids after 30 years of analogue aids. Oh my gosh, I can thoroughly understand your daughter not wanting to wear them. For any hearing person I will explain. Having hearing aids is akin to being a newborn baby. Your brain and senses go into overload. Sounds that a hearing person hears but the brain recognises as "white noise" the brain will ditch the information as useless as it were. However in a person getting used to hearing aids, you hear EVERYTHING! Seriously, I never knew walking on carpet was so noisy! She maybe getting over distressed by the noise and trying to process the information. Might be worth asking I her hearing prescription could be reduced.
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