I'm a long time lurker and apologise in advance for long post!
I was with ex-p for almost 5 years. We have a DD (2) together and I have a DD (13) from a previous relationship.
Our DD is a challenging child. She never sleeps all night, can be and is sick at will, very strong willed, If she doesn't want to wear something particular she'll make herself sick or if she doesn't want to go to bed. She's a really fussy eater, she also has a hearing loss and should wear hearing aids, but won't.
We split up a few weeks ago. There were numerous reasons, he smokes weed (never in the house or around children) and I told him a long time ago that I never wanted that to be a part of my life. I thought he had stopped (more or less) but he has just been more sneaky about it.He is very irresponsible with money, spends it like there is no tomorrow, bets, scratchcards, etc. He moved in with me and DD's (I have a mortgage on my home) when DD2 was 1. It was kind of put upon us as he was made homeless and it was the logical thing to do. We went halves on the bills even though I work part time and earn half of what he does. I didn't mind this at first as I never wanted to feel like he was 'keeping' me, but I did start to feel quite resentful of it, especially when I was buying things (cigarettes) for him at the end of the month as he had no money left. He asked for something to be drawn up so that if we broke up, he would have some kind of claim on my home as he was contributing half the mortgage so to speak. I said no as that is mine and my children's security. I should have worded it better, but I likened it to a tenant not having rights to a landlords property. After that, he made a point of dropping into every conversation possible that it wasn't his home.
He is very touchy-feely and wants to say/be told I love you at every possible opportunity. At the end of a day, sometimes all I wanted to do it sit quietly on the sofa and not be touched. Having a two year old climbing over you all day does that! But he takes that as rejection because he wants me to be touching him all the time. If I don't want to be touching him, I need to lay with my head on a cushion on his lap. I haven't felt like I made him happy for a long time and never felt like anything I said/did was good enough. He always thinks he's right, even rewinding the TV to check whether someone said what I said they did. Petty stuff, but gets on top of you.
When it came to him moving out a few weeks ago, I was really unsure it was the right thing. I do love him and my DD is very attached to him, to split our family up over what seem like trivial things that could be fixed seemed stupid. He hasn't moved far (literally 1 minute away..) and we are having 50/50 access with her.
I am a strong person when I am not in a relationship, but seem to turn into a doormat whenever I am in a relationship. I don't know why. I always feel like I have to do what the other person has said, become incapable of making a decision, always try to please (but rarely seem to succeed), etc.
I feel relieved now he is gone, and like there is less pressure on me. but there is still a niggle that I am not doing the right thing. He tells me all the time that he misses us all and how he wishes he was with us, etc and it makes me feel guilty and does pull on my heart strings. I do love him and don't want to see him hurting.
I guess what I want to know is if I've done the right thing?! I know I can only really answer that, but has anyone else been through something similar?
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Have I done the right thing?
9 replies
isitmeyourelookingfor · 31/05/2016 14:20
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.