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If your other half is a complete sports or hobby nutter

(23 Posts)
CookieDoughKid Tue 31-May-16 02:41:33

Not sure if this is the right area but it is affecting my relationship.

Dh is a complete sports fanatic. BMX. He used to do it as a kid and now pushesgets our kids to do it most weekends. I have zero interest in this sport. It's hard on me. It's not like watching a gymnastics session for an hour or two. Gymnastics I actually like. It's an all day 8hour+ event sometimes takes up 2 days, the whole weekend. The travelling, the standing in the cold and rain waiting for hours for my little ones to race. Having to use the stinking outside portaloos. When my kids do race, its then over in 2 minutes. Then having to watch the rest of it, other riders (I have no interest). It takes all day as DH just loves it. He's now on the committee he now wants to create a national competition series. He has big ideas and ambitious. It's all he talks about. On Facebook all the time about bmx.

I'm a home bird. My idea of sport is Zumba.

I've had to go to Columbia this week and watch my kids race in the world championships. Of course I support them and like to watch. But I have had to get up at 5am everyday to help them get ready for the coaches and training. I've had to sit in 32degree heat for 11 hours as a spectator sat in one tiny spot. It's not a holiday for me. It's hell but I have to go and be there for my kids, travelling 13 hours on a plane from UK to be in Colombia . They are only 6 and 8.

I have fallen out with DHL this evening over dinner. He is exasperated with me as I don't like to talk about BMX and to be honest I'm not even interested. The problem is we are too different and I don't know how to solve this. Are you me? How do you cope if your dh is a nutter sports enthusiast? And I don't mean a casual hobby. Dh is extreme. He used to do international triathlon /ironman/national swim athlete before he had to give up and get a real job.

ApocalypseSlough Tue 31-May-16 04:19:51

Let him do it on his own. I can see that up until now it's been good to have 2 parents there but they're shortly be old enough to wave them all off.
It does sound boring, but on balance the benefits outweigh that.

CookieDoughKid Tue 31-May-16 04:38:19

Thanks Slough I hope so. I feel guilty I don't do enough to support them but just supporting them is so physically draining!! I don't want to wish time away....it's hard for me to fully appreciate and understand the positives of competitive sport because in my culture it's not really valued (whereas getting a good education and a stable professional job is!).

VioletBam Tue 31-May-16 04:43:39

Do the kids love it? Why do you even go? I wouldn;t go but I don't think that it's fair or healthy for this imbalance to happen. I would tell DH that you want ONE day a weekend with no BMX activities at all.

If he refuses then I would consider leaving him. I know that sounds extreme but so is making your entire family take on YOUR hobby EVERY weekend.

Helloooomeee Tue 31-May-16 04:51:21

When I met dp it became clear he has a very time consuming and expensive hobby. We made a rule then that I wouldn't ask him to stop his hobby as long as he didn't expect me to be interested. It works for us.

Cheapthrills Tue 31-May-16 05:39:37

There is no way I would do that. What do your children get out of it? Are they really benefiting from flying to Columbia for 11 hours to compete in a 2 minute race?

I know a family who encouraged their dc to do competitive swimming and took them swimming five days a week before school for years. They never won anything and now the dc are in their 20s they don't even swim any more. I don't personally see the point although maybe their parents would argue they got something out of it at the time.

As for your relationship, it doesn't sound as if you are compatible whatsoever and I think your dh does sound over the top. I suppose it depends how willing you are to tolerate it.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism Tue 31-May-16 05:45:55

Why do people marry someone with whom they're not compatible? Sheesh. confused

KERALA1 Tue 31-May-16 05:49:10

It's too much. Everything's a balance and yours way out of kilter. Yanbu for bring pissed off he is being selfish.

Dh has a hobby (road cycling) he is obsessed with. But he is careful to fit it round family time. And thankfully just him. Found a picture Dd aged 7 drew of our family. Dh on a bike she had written "daddy on his bike. I hate cycling". Actually on holiday this week. He has a day off every holiday to cycle. Kids and I to the zoo. Tomorrow he has them whilst I go to museums.rest of week together.

Joysmum Tue 31-May-16 06:56:53

Why do people marry someone with whom they're not compatible? Sheesh

Did you read the OP?

He used to do it, now he pushes their kids to do it. wink

I used to be into something, now as an adult I'm back into it again. My DH couldn't have known how my renewed interest would effect us.

Difference is, I've never expected or hoped my daughter or him would join in or tag along, in fact I've discouraged as it's something I want for me. So I've encouraged them to find their own interests.

KeyserSophie Tue 31-May-16 07:05:35

If the kids like it then I would be fist pumping about the fact that they can all head off together and do it and I would get loads of free time. I definitely wouldn't be spending all my weekends at a BMX track.

I have a sports hobby that I know bores DH shitless so I just talk about it with my mates from the sport. Also, I make sure that it doesn't take up all weekend, and that if DH looks after the DC one day so I can race, I take them the next day so he has some time to do whatever he'd like to do.

orangeistheonlyfruit Tue 31-May-16 07:59:38

Sounds to me you have ended up some kind of roadie. Let your dh do the bmx hobby stuff and you can concentrate on your hobby be that Zumba or reading in the park or meeting friends.

Zaurak Tue 31-May-16 07:59:55

If the kids genuinely love it, then they can carry on - but your husband takes them. You do your own thing.
If the kids are just doing it because they feel they sight to then you e got a different situation.

I actually left a ten year relationship (called off the wedding) mainly due to the fact that dp was so obsessive about a sport. It's like living with an addict.

Zaurak Tue 31-May-16 08:01:08

They ought to (not sight to!) autocorrect.

Either way, stop going to everything.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism Tue 31-May-16 09:29:29

Jooysmum - yes, I did read the OP!

I'm a home bird. My idea of sport is Zumba.

He used to do international triathlon /ironman/national swim athlete before he had to give up and get a real job.

There 's the original prob. A homebody married an ironman (and notice the judgment implied by the words "real job").

4seasons Tue 31-May-16 09:39:44

So basically your life doesn't really matter ?
I think I would do one of several alternatives .... tell him to go with the children without you as you have no interest and are bored witless.... tell him the time spent on it has to be reduced to allow for family time ( or even husband and wife time !) .... or leave him.
I did wonder whilst reading your post who does all the domestic work , washing kit etc. ? Rather a lot of money must be spent on this sporting activity. I wonder if you get to have any " family" money , an equivalent amount , to spend on things you enjoy ? If not , why not ?
I think if you had the conversation with your "D " H and told him you were withdrawing your support and also some money from the bank account in order to enjoy things on your own it might stop him in his tracks !
Get angry , get awkward , get"selfish ". We only get one life. I'm so sorry you are being treated like some man's useful accessory. Does he know you hate it ? Does he care ?

nagsandovalballs Tue 31-May-16 09:59:13

Honestly, why did you marry him? I am nuts about sport (one dressage mare, one event mare, play rugby, enjoy football, hockey and lacrosse) and my partner is a rugby and cricket fanatic. We support Each other's hobbies and watch each other compete. Cricket is a bit boring, dressage is a bit boring - but they are both days out we enjoy with picnics and being outdoors whilst supporting each other. We both love extreme skiing. We fundamentally agree on the principles that sport is central to mental and physical well being and I don't complain if he spends 2 hours in the gym and he doesn't complain when I spend 2 or 3 hours at the yard. I tend to go early in the morning, he tends to go late in evening.

I don't know that I could be with someone who didn't share those core values. There are people who would hate our lifestyle! I have to say, and this v unhelpful, but I don't know how you can resolve this... My aunt is married to an adventurer, but she is happy being a witness to it and follows him about. Is there a compromise? Can you watch your kids do their thing for a few minutes and then head off to a cafe and read a book? Or is there a local gym so you can go for a swim? Or a nearby hotel at which you could go and have a nice relaxing time? I realise this is dangerously close to saying 'go for a spa day', but my oh and I do tend to turn up in time for each other's kick off and leave straight after - unless there is a post match social - so we can spend the rest of the day doing our own thing whilst the other hangs out with their team.

MrsGuyOfGisbo Tue 31-May-16 10:00:51

Oh God - this has come at a timely moment, OP!
My DH is similarly obsessed, different sport. The obsession is now beyond a joke.He has always been into it, and I have also in a lower key way, but the kids, having been cajoled into since they were tiny rebelled in their teens and now hate it and refuse to do it.
I might as well be single now the DC are independent - I have also lost interest because of his full-on-ness, and he would far rather talk to fellow obsessives than me, so when he'r not doing it, he's on FB etc with fellow obsessives. He has zero interest in me, and I feel so lonely.
So the time has come for up to part. I can't even be bothered to name change, so anyone who know me in RL - you read it here first.
I sympathise OP, because your DC are so little, and so it is much harder. I would go along for now, so they have a sane alternative parent with them so if they get tired, fed up etc, you can validate their feelings, instead of them being told their feelings are unreasonable, or being ignored. But insist they also have other interests they can develop - football club/ballet etc that are their own interests. I would bet any money they will rebel as soon as they feel they can. sad

CookieDoughKid Wed 01-Jun-16 03:02:46

Hi Folks. Thank you for all your comments. I believe sport can be healthy and I believe it's possible to make a living out of it. But I think it's only possible to make a decent living out of it if u are lucky enough too. From my experience even Olympic standard sports persons struggle to make a decent living (my bil is one but his is TaeKwonDo and he has had to find a day job unconnected to his sport just to pay the rent. He is ex-Olympian and really struggles to get financial support even at his level). That is what I mean culturally we have different values.

Fwiw my dh's true colours never shone until we had children. He never so much even hit the gym as he didn't touch sport for 5 years when I met him pre children. It all changed after our kids were born when he decided our kids would absolutely make it to the international stage for sports competition! !

I'm actually about to fly back to UK from Columbia now so will check in on my return.

KeyserSophie Wed 01-Jun-16 11:52:54

nagsandovalballs I could be wrong, but you don't mention kids. It does become quite a different situation once you have them. You can no longer just "go off and do your own thing" if the other one is doing their thing. You might actually be better off with someone who has different interests- a bit like if you're really ambitious career wise, it makes sense to marry someone who isn't.

OP your last post makes a bit clearer- living vicariously- he didn't quite make it so is determined his kids will.

HarmlessChap Wed 01-Jun-16 12:41:56

To get to world championship level the kids must be good and they don't get that good without really wanting it.

I can understand your DH's frustration that you're not really interested that your children are competing at a high level, I wonder if Tom Daley's mum ever ever said to friends - Oh joy off to see Tom jumping in the swimming pool for another few hours.......

KeyserSophie Wed 01-Jun-16 12:49:13

I wonder if Tom Daley's mum ever ever said to friends - Oh joy off to see Tom jumping in the swimming pool for another few hours.......

For sure she did, or if she didn't, she definitely thought it.

bert3400 Wed 01-Jun-16 13:06:01

I feel you pain . My son Karts at an international level . So every weekend we drive all over the country Rain, wind & Snow !! I only go because we have a motorhome to stay in ...i can retreat back to the warmth and watch tv between his races. Is this a possibilty for you guys ? I know about 80% of mums stay home from the track so you are not alone in your feelings . How about once a month going to watch ? I hope you had a good flight home .

Zaurak Wed 01-Jun-16 13:27:35

mrsguy

I did something similar. Not married, but had the wedding booked and been together ten years. No kids thank goodness.
I was also pretty sporty. I ran, biked, hiked, swam and Rick climbed. But I couldn't do ultra fell running - my ex is genuinely gifted and to his credit trains hard and is rewarded with success. But I physically could compete at that level and frankly I didn't want to. I was happy with a ten mile run at the weekend and sporty social stuff - days out climbing etc.
He spent ALL his vacation time running plus four or five hours a day and all weekends. The last straw for me was us going camping for what I thought was our only week of holiday - he did a race on day one then announced he had no more vacation and we had to go home. I was so sad, I felt so unwanted. That was it really. I left soon after. Called off the wedding.
Three weeks after I left he was shacked up with someone from his running club.

I'm so sorry this has worked out this way but I guarantee you'll not regret leaving. I thought I might have a wobble or regret it but I genuinely didn't. Not a single second.

Back to the op - where's her life and wants in all this ? Is she only good for washing kit and paying for bikes? I bet she is proud of her kids - that doesn't mean sitting in a damp field all day waiting for a three second line crossing isn't deathly dull. And it's all consuming. There's no balance. The wants of the dad are overriding the need of the family and the wife to have their own interests and time. That's not ok. Where's her time? What does she like to do?

Take a step back, op. I suggest you develop a hobby of your own and claim back some time.

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