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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Online sex chatting - harmless?

25 replies

Faceinacrowd · 30/05/2016 22:16

Ok, background: six years ago, my DH was having intimate conversations and swapping photographs with a couple of women he met online. We almost split over it, but he promised he had never met anyone, it had never been physical and that he would never do it again.

I was using his laptop yesterday and noticed, (OK, I checked cookies) he'd been on some websites that are specific to online sex chat, there were sex chat rooms that you had to register for and others that were 'anonymous' but all of them were definitely meant for the sharing of talk and photographs with private areas for one-on-one.

We have sex, he tells me he loves me/fancies me, but I'm feeling sh*t about it. Is it harmless, am I overreacting? I'm pretending nothing has happened, but I'm angry because he knows how I would feel about it and has done it anyway. I feel like it reflects on me and says something about how he feels about me and what he thinks of our relationship. AIBU?

OP posts:

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Only1scoop · 30/05/2016 22:19

'He promised he'd never do it again'

He still does this even though you outlined how hurt you are and it's unacceptable to you.

He lied

And continues to do so

He lacks respect for you

Trills · 30/05/2016 22:22

Any activity that you nearly split over and where he said he would not do it again is by definition not harmless.

Shodan · 30/05/2016 22:33

It wasn't harmless to me, when my H did it.

It's been a contributing factor to our marriage breakdown, because it eroded the trust I needed to have in him to fully relax into our sex life.

Others may feel it is irrelevant, or nothing to get worked up about, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is how it makes you feel-that, and the fact that knowing how you feel about it, he has still carried on with it.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/05/2016 22:37

Of course it's not harmless. It's an activity you hate, that your DP promised he wouldn't do again, and that he's been lying about consistently.

Even if it was Morris dancing, the circumstances mean it isn't harmless.

And it's not Morris dancing, let's not forget. It's wanking off to other people's messages and images.

Joysmum · 30/05/2016 23:00

He keeps it secret because he knows it'd hurt you.

He knows it'd hurt you because it breaks your boundaries.

He chooses to do whatever he wants even though it breaks your boundaries so how is that harmless?

You can't trust him and trust ought to be the basis of every good relationship.

SandyY2K · 30/05/2016 23:08

It's not harmless and it is a betrayal of your trust. I think he's addicted to it and won't stop but will just hide it better next time.

He's shown you who he is and now the decision is yours.

There is nothing wrong with you and you shouldn't feel bad about yourself. Some men and women just love extra attention and like getting dirty with picture swapping.

MissBattleaxe · 30/05/2016 23:16

It would be enough to end a relationship for me. Especially as it's the second time that you found out.

scousesal · 30/05/2016 23:53

Online sex talk creates an intimacy that can easily overspill into reallife .its the first step into physical cheating .Men who do it have every intention of making it happen IMO.

He knows it hurt you and carried on you deserve better .

AnyFucker · 30/05/2016 23:56

It is cheating.

You would be a doormat if you accept it.

notapizzaeater · 31/05/2016 00:01

Regardless whether people think it's ok - he knows it's not OK in your relationship and he still went ahead and did it.

Total lack of respect.

Guiltypleasures001 · 31/05/2016 00:15

Yeah imo it's cheating, it's attention he's not giving you, but instead being intimate with others

Faceinacrowd · 31/05/2016 01:00

I am reading exactly what I'd say to someone else in this position too. :(

We have kids, I love him, I don't want to end the relationship but I don't want to be weak and I don't want to be a doormat on this issue. I just don't think I have the strength for the emotional fallout of it just yet. FWIW I agree and think it is an addiction of sorts, I don't believe he has ever been physically unfaithful to me - opportunity has been limited for that as we spend a lot of our time together, due to our jobs. He works from home and I think that's where he is indulging in the chat, when he's bored and/or procrastinating. I deserve more respect though, I know.

OP posts:

BonneMaman77 · 31/05/2016 01:22

It is cheating. He is getting off on sexual chat with other women. He is doing something you told him you don't like. He said he won't but broke that promise.

I am separated and heading for divorce because my ex was into the same things. And said he wouldn't and did it. He also said he never met anyone. Then he did meet one person just the once. But they didn't do anything. And he looked up a mistress website near where he works in Chelsea and then googled her phone no another time.

But leaving may not be the answer for you. If your marriage is otherwise good and he is willing and goes out and gets help and changes his ways then try that. My ex didn't do any of that, because he thought I had got over it

LateNightEveningProstitute · 31/05/2016 05:18

Thing is, you don't want him to be doing this, but he is.

You don't need to be in a relationship, you know. You can separate, he can be a good dad to his children and you can have some dignity and self respect, which is priceless.

A relationship/man is not a prize to be sought at any cost. You are supposed to be with someone who engances your life, who respects you, who loves you and who enables you to be an even better version of yourself. This behaviour is going to destroy you.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 31/05/2016 05:55

Terrible, isn't it? Someone talking to complete strangers to get needs met that they cannot get met in their primary relationship.

That's you, mumsnetters

There is no right or wrong in relationships. There is only 2 people with certain needs negotiating whether or not they can find a workable arrangement.

The 2 of you need to have a completely honest discussion. What needs of his does the sex chat meet? Is there another way he might get them met? How necessary is it for him? If it's necessary for him and a dealbreaker for you - end of relationship.

MissBattleaxe · 31/05/2016 09:20

There is no right or wrong in relationships I couldn't disagree more. If he has needs he needs to speak to his wife, not strangers behind her back.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 31/05/2016 09:33

MissBattleAxe - we have many many needs that we don't expect our partner to fulfill. Which ones are included or excluded from the relationship contract is a matter of negotiation. There is no objective rule.

LateNightEveningProstitute · 31/05/2016 10:02

But when you get married, you 'forsake all others'. It's fine if you don't want to commit to that, but then you really shouldn't get married.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 31/05/2016 10:15

LNEP - but what does "forsake all others" actually mean??? No friends? No other people in your life? imagine there are people here who get more meotional support from mumsnetters than their own partner, Is that infidelity?

Life is complex. Most "rules" are dumb.

Jan45 · 31/05/2016 13:39

It's cheating, it's betrayal, it's a piss take of your whole relationship so no to your question, it's not harmless, it's the opposite, he's done it already and he's doing it again, he probably never stopped.

He has zero respect for you.

Rosalie55 · 31/05/2016 13:48

Agree with mysteries - everyone has their own rules and agreements. The question isn't "Is this cheating?" but "Does this break my boundaries?" and "Did he know this was my boundary" - unfortunately it seems the answer to both questions for you is yes

ordinaryman · 31/05/2016 14:03

Just be cautious if all you have is 'cookie evidence'.

Many adult sites generate popups and trackers which will leave cookies on your system without your knowledge and without you having actively chosen to visit those third party websites. Or so I'm told... ahem...

I don't know what your view is on his visiting any adult site, but just making the point that cookies aren't proof.

My advice is talk to him and establish / re-establish whatever boundaries you agree together.

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WombOfOnesOwn · 31/05/2016 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Faceinacrowd · 31/05/2016 20:48

Thanks for all the comments. Ordinaryman, it wasn't just cookies, it was saved data too, so I'm reasonably sure, but it's obviously only an indication that he's been on the site, doesn't tell me what he did or didn't do whilst there. (I'm not in denial btw, I'm realistic and know it's unlikely he just looked at a log-in page.)

We do need to discuss it and I need to re-establish the boundaries - although I shouldn't have to. I have seen addiction in others before and I want him to get over this before it destroys him too, not just me and our family.

It's difficult not to feel some element of failure though, I feel like it reflects on me, for one reason or another. Plus, whilst it's not my bag, but I'm not overly judgmental about porn, I think I'd be disappointed but not divorcicidal about him looking at generic porn. Last time I tried to engage with his chatting, to understand it better and maybe get him to share that stuff with me instead, but it's just not me.

Another factor is that I was seriously ill a while ago - life threateningly so - and he was an absolute rock; took incredible care of me and the family. I feel like I want to try and help him work it out.

OP posts:

ordinaryman · 31/05/2016 21:42

"Ordinaryman, it wasn't just cookies, it was saved data too..."

Understood. Definite chat time then. Good luck.

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