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Feel like I'm going off the rails a bit(6 Posts)
I've recently separated from my partner and dad to my DS who is three. So as not to make this too long I will just say it was and is amicable but complicated. The decision was mine and was the right one but I do have a lot of unresolved feelings about it which have only really surfaced a month or so ago (about a month after split). At around the same time a very very close family friend, a woman whom I loved almost as much as my own parents, has died. It was not unexpected although we hoped she would have longer. Even typing that has made me cry a bit, today really hasn't been great (aside from anything else I fell down the stairs earlier).
When she died, and since then, I haven't actually been as emotional as I thought I would be, a bit like with the separation I never broke down at the obvious moments but now a while later the sadness washes over me unexpectedly at times.
The main problem I'm having though is anger. I feel like there's this big toxic emotion wanting to burst out of me and it's almost more than I can handle atm. I don't know why it is really, partly I'm angry with myself and how my life is atm and my seeming inability to cope with a lot of quite basic stuff, and partly I'm angry with the world and people who have let me down. I realise how that sounds, it's not a healthy mature way to be but I can't seem to get out of that frame of mind.
I know I'm pushing people away and today I fell out with a very old friend that I really care about because I felt she was treating me as an afterthought, we had plans for today but she never confirmed and I texted to find out if it was still on, she said no and sorry etc. The thing is it was meant to be a whole day out with her and my son who she's barely seen since he was born and after a long period of distance between us we had a really lovely evening together talked quite emotionally and promised to see more of each other, but she didn't even text me to say today wasn't on, I had to chase her. I still don't know if I was entirely justified in feeling that way but with how I am at the moment I just have zero tolerance for bullshit, I'd rather have no friends at all than be treated as someone's backup plan, but logically I know that's coming from my own massive huge insecurity probably stemming from my early life and that at least partly I am causing the situations that upset me so much. So I was very blunt about it and I doubt we'll see each other again now for another long time if at all. I feel grief stricken actually but it's almost as if I'm deliberately destroying potentially good things and making it so I can't easily go back. To be fair she has been flaky in the past and hurt my feelings so even though this was relatively minor I turned it into a drama because I convinced myself she hasn't changed and still doesn't give a shit.
The long and short of it is I probably will end up with no friends as I'm such a bitter person atm and if I'm not isolating myself I'm lashing out. I just don't know what to even begin doing about it though. I'm hurting but it's more than just recent stuff it goes very deep and even though I've started seeing a counsellor I feel as if I can't quite go there and if I do I'll fall apart even more.
Hey, did not want to read and run. You sound lovely and a good friend. Things resurface as you go on. Someone I admire described it as bruises and burn scars from childchood popping out of nowhere. Just persevere and go along with whatever is happening. You are doing the right thing.
Re your friend it's not you it's her. She's not a friend just a massive flake.
About dealing with your feelings try The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. It was recommended on another mn board recently and it's incredibly helpful. And I'm only halfway through it.
I think I have learnt over a long time that I have to look after myself an can not rely on anyone else for my happiness. It has taken years to get to this point. Your friend sounds flaky an I would probably ditch her to save my sanity. Can you go for a run or something when you feel angry? It worked for me,and the adrenaline made me happy for rest of day.
God you are hard on yourself, your so called friend was not nice, she should have told you, a whole day out and she doesn't think to tell you it's not happening, I think you are quite right.
Exercise is great for pent up frustrations and anger.
Tbh, friends are not as important to me as my family, at some point friends do let you down so it's always best not to be 100% reliant on any of them!
You are completely justified to be pissed right off with your flakey friend for letting you down at the last minute. Too right you don't feel valued - because she didn't treat you with respect or value.
Agree with pp's to bin her off. You can't be doing with her at any time, but especially not now.
Glad to hear you're in therapy. You can go at your own pace but sometimes we have to lance the boil to get through to healing. It is perfectly understandable you feel rageful at the mo - you've had a lot of loss. Bereavement seems to be the only time we can legitimately go mad without going mad permanently (iyswim!).
If your friends can't stick by you when the going gets tough then they are not good friends. I have recently had a very rough time and ended up binning a lot of 'friends' - I simply don't want friends who don't step up when it is obvious that support is needed.
Keep going, lovely. It's OK to feel very wobbly, you've a lot on your plate
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