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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

STBXP and I living under same roof - emotional abuse

75 replies

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 11:47

Partner and I decided to split up (he has been verbally abusive many times and physically abusive once a few weeks ago). We are living under the same roof at the moment as house jointly owned - DC are both under 2.

Yesterday we agreed we wanted split amicably. I told him I wasn't happy. He denied everything he'd done to cause this (the abuse) and basically blames me for the split.

Today he informed me we should see a solicitor tomorrow before we start telling people. I said I had a solicitor and then he went quiet. I said calmly I know it's hard but I think we are doing the right thing. He said that it was all about what I want. Then he started ranting.

"Everyone out there knows what I'm like, you may as well go back to your home town as no-one will believe you if we split up. You will have no friends"

"You have a solicitor lined up ready, you know what you are doing"

"You're taking my kids and screwing me over"

"All my family and friends have given me their full support, they know exactly what you are like"

"I haven't called you any names" (Denies calling me an evil B on multiple occasions).

He also accused me of saying I want more money from him yesterday - I said nothing of the sort.

He then stormed out of the house. He's gone now sigh of relief but God knowd how long for

Can I reasonably stay in the house with him like this?

We haven't even come to sell the house yet but I'm worried if I leave he will stay put and make things difficult for me re: the sale. It is a large house and my share will basically enable me to buy a little house for me and DC. (I'm a SAHM and have no income at the moment).

He can easily stay with family nearby. I have no relatives here. I am just trying to avoid moving twice with two young children really - into a temporary rented home and then into my own when house sale goes through. Would be so much easier to stay here then move with the DCs when this place sells.

Please tell me what you would do in my situation. I am exhausted from thinking.

OP posts:

Report

Somerville · 30/05/2016 11:51

I'd phone women's aid, if I were in your situation, for specialist advice and support. 0808 2000 247.

You and your children shouldn't be under the same roof as someone who verbally and physically abuses you.

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 11:54

I have spoken to WA before but believe as it's a Bank Hol they wouldn't be able to do anything today? Also, hard to call them as no idea when he'll be back.

OP posts:

Somerville · 30/05/2016 11:57

Can you go away for a few days then? Not moving out, but since it's half term, take the kids and visit a relative or stay somewhere cheap?

Maybe that's rubbish advice in terms of the financial side of things, setting a precedent for him being in the house and you moving out. But I think your safety trumps that, and since the physical abuse has began and he's really riled up now, you might not be safe to stay.

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 16:18

Thank you for the advice... I will get some legal advice tomorrow x

OP posts:

Hissy · 30/05/2016 16:44

The problem here is that you are hoping for amicable.

That's just not going to happen sadly.

If you feel scared in your home, call the police.

As for the bilge that pours from his mouth? Ignore it, it's his worst fears that he's projecting onto you. If you throw them back, word for word, you'll see him wither before your very eyes.

RandomMess · 30/05/2016 16:52

You can go down the route of occupation order if there is evidence of his abuse.

You can go to court to force sale of the house. Can he afford to buy you out?

You are expected to go to mediation which is inappropriate when abuse is involved.

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 17:51

He now wants us to make things work frustrated sigh

For the sake of the kids.

Hmm.

He won't buy me out as he'd be massively overcommitting financially and he doesn't like to do that.

His family have suggested counselling but I understand that just does not work where there has been any kind of abuse.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 30/05/2016 18:42

Don't stay with an abusive man and worse still one who denies saying what you know they've said.

If he doesn't admit the abuse then it won't stop because he sees no wrong in his actions.

Don't let the kids be used as a reason to stay while he continues denying what he's said.

NameChange30 · 30/05/2016 18:46

The Women's Aid number is 24/7. You can call them any time - the line might be busy, but it will be open.

If you have a solicitor, ask them about your options for getting him out of the house. I think that reporting his physical and emotional abuse to the police would make it a hell of a lot easier to get him out (legally speaking). It would also entitle you to legal aid.

NameChange30 · 30/05/2016 18:49

The free Rights of Women family law helpline is a good source of legal advice. Worth a call even though you have a solicitor - a second opinion is always helpful (especially when it's from a solicitor with DV expertise, as RoW are).

NameChange30 · 30/05/2016 18:52

Information about occupation orders (which I think would be a good option in this case)
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/domestic-violence-injunctions/#An%20occupation%20order

CharlotteCollins · 30/05/2016 19:01

He cannot hold a relationship together on his own. Don't be talked into staying in a relationship you want to leave.

He is going to talk at you lots like this while you share a roof. The sooner you can let it wash over you and just hear "blah blah" the better.

Hissy · 30/05/2016 19:01

You know this is abuse, it won't change, you need to get this guy out of your way love, and out of the way of the Dc too, as far as possible.

If you do anything for the sake of the kids, it's leave him.

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 19:48

I know I definitely need to leave - he is a bully. Tonight DD1 squeezed a few drops of milk onto the table and he slammed his hand down hard on the table and shouted "NO!" I pointed out he did not need to do that and he said she needs discipline. I said she's hardly done anything. Bless her, she is an amazing DC, both of them are

OP posts:

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 20:25

Re: the occupational order, I was wondering if it was worth speaking to his dad first to see if his dad can convince him to leave this place and go and live with them until we can sell the place. They have loads of spare bedrooms and are just round the corner. I just thought if we can try and do things amicably (I know!) rather than resorting to communicating through solicitors then it may be a bit easier and less painful.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 30/05/2016 20:30

He is abusive. It won't be amicable. You need to go through a solicitor. You actually need to report his abuse to the police.

SandyY2K · 30/05/2016 20:39

He slammed his hand like that to a toddler. OMG he is going to make those children nervous wrecks.

Please keep a note of these behaviours. I'd be very worried about him having the kids on his own when you're no longer together as he hasn't got any patience.

Look into whether visits could be supervised for him.

You see cases like this where the child accidently drops or breaks something and the dad hits them out of frustration causing serious harm or results in accidental death.

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 20:41

I did report the physical abuse (assault) to the police... And told them about the emotional / verbal.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 30/05/2016 20:42

That's good, well done.

Have you spoken to a solicitor about an occupation order and supervised contact only?

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 20:48

Sandy - I know, what he did was ridiculous, she is not even 2 yet...and the more I see of this behaviour the more I think his contact with DDs will have to be supervised when we split up.

AnotherEmma - I will speak to a solicitor tomorrow, especially re: occupational order

It's just a minefield at the moment, the only thing keeping me going is knowing I am doing the best for my DDs.

OP posts:

AgentPineapple · 30/05/2016 21:18

Can you stay with a friend OP or family? I wouldn't stay there with the kids

AgentPineapple · 30/05/2016 21:20

He sounds like he is still trying to control you OP please don't stay or the next time he leaves have the locks changed

PiratesHat · 30/05/2016 21:52

I will look into this tomorrow AgentPineapple.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 30/05/2016 22:29

"the next time he leaves have the locks changed"

This is bad advice. The OP needs to talk to a solicitor before doing anything like this. As the house is in joint names I don't think she can force him to leave without an occupation order.

AgentPineapple · 30/05/2016 22:32

I would be more concerned about my safety and the safety of my children initially. I first advised friends and family, but if she has no option but to live there it shouldn't be in fear.

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