Please help!! Anyone!!

[Sarahsfirstbaby]

Please help me! Please try not to judge me either as this is very hard for me to write.

I'm 20 weeks and 1 day pregnant. My partner doesn't even live with me but he is completely useless. I do absolutely everything on my own. I'm suffering pelvic problems so I've been signed off sick from work. My partner lives miles away and got laid of a few weeks ago.. Since then he hasn't even tried looking. When I'm in pain and crying he tells me to stop it. He disappeared for 2 days turned his phone off and came back apologising because he was off his head on drugs. He has let me down and lied a few times and I can't even trust anything he says anymore. I get paranoid about him doing it again or if he is lying to me. :( I've had words with him several times and he still does nothing yet he is quite happy to announce he has a son on the way! He is a rubbish role model! Before I was pregnant I had an abortion because I knew it wasnt the right time, I needed him to sort everything out and come and live with me but I got pregnant again (my body became immune to the pill) and he begged me to keep this one promising he will change and step up. He hasn't, instead he's made it worse. I don't want to bring my child into this mess. I've done everything I possibly can for my baby but he hasn't done anything but let me down and lie. He then has a go at me if I bring it up saying it's in the past etc. I feel so helpless. I didn't want it to be this way and really believed him. If i had of known I wouldn't have kept this baby either (please don't judge) I wanted the perfect environment and a good mum and dad for baby and I feel it's all going wrong. I've spoken to his sister in law and mum and dad but they just say it's hard but he loves you to the moon and back. How many chances do I give him? He has no get up and go and he is lazy. Even his own mum has told him to sort it out several times and he does nothing. I questioned him about job hunting and I said can you prove it? He replied I don't have to justify myself to you. Like it's all my fault I'm paranoid and don't believe him! I can't deal with this anymore. I don't know what to do. This baby deserves better. My mum has cancer too and we found out at the same time I was pregnant, I have enough to deal with what with the pain, everything changing and my mum.. Why isn't my partner doing all he can for us? There is so much more to this story but I'd be here all day... Please I don't know what the right thing to do is. :( please any advice would be helpful. Xx

[Sarahsfirstbaby]

Hello? Please, I feel so alone. Xx

[juliascurr]

he does not sound right for you
write a list of what you need
check off what he gives you
you have your answer

[cheesecadet]

Firstly you don't become immune to the pill and secondly dump the shit and bring your baby into a happy world.

[JennyHolzersGhost]

Prepare to do this on your own OP. It will be a thousand times better than spending years trying to make it work with this guy. You sound like a strong person - it will be tough but worth it. Build a life for yourself and your child.

[whimsical1975]

You may not want to hear this but you need absolutely have to leave. Whilst he's on drugs he will never change his behaviour, except for it to get worse. He will never be able to hold down a job nor will he be able to care for his child. He will no doubt use whatever money is meant to be spent on his son for his drug use... if you stay it is absolutely doomed for disaster.

I'm really sorry that you're in this position but as you're about to become a mother it is time to make some very adult decisions. You owe this to your son and to yourself! Parents make very difficult decisions all the time in order to do what is best for their children... your son can't make these decisions for himself so you owe it to him to give him the very best start you can. Staying with an irresponsible, unmotivated drug user is not the best start!!

He is not helping you emotionally or financially so what positives is he actually providing in your life? You deserve a partner who truly loves and respects you, both for you and for your son. You don't want him growing up with your DP (in his current state) as a role model.

You can do this! Please don't waste any more time hoping that he's going to change. The last thing you want is to be in this same position in 10years time, wishing that you hadn't wasted so much of your life.

[Sarahsfirstbaby]

@cheesecadet That's what I was told at the abortion clinic the first time, they said my body had become immune after 13 years of taking it or my body had rejected it and they couldn't be certain which is was?

My partner had said that he doesn't do those types of drugs anymore and i believe him but it feels like the damage has already been done. I'm sat here after 3 years together wondering why I've given him so many chances :( I love him and when he isn't letting me down or lacking motivation we have fun together. He was bought up in care and I can't even begin to understand how hard that was but he says that his son will never be put through that...if we were so important to him why isn't he doing all he can? I just don't want to let my child down.. This baby boy means the world to me xx

[SandyY2K]

I think you need to see yourself as a single mother because your partner isn't going to be any kind of support for you. Your child is coming into the world with a sorry excuse of a man as a father, so it's all down to you.

I suggest you try another method of contraception if you don't want to be in this position again.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

....He was bought up in care and I can't even begin to understand how hard that was but he says that his son will never be put through that...

BUT he is putting you and his unborn child through a different sort of dysfunctional hell.

Don't think for a moment it will get better once your DS is born - it will get worse. This is the easy time now and he's not even supporting you with your poor DM having cancer. He is a disgrace.

And this 'loving you to the moon and back,' are just cheap words. You need some action, and he doesn't sound as if he's capable of much if anything.

Stop flogging a dead horse and next time meet someone who is genuine and deserves you.

Good luck

[loobyloo1234]

Get out now. Your baby will have a better life without this waste of space being a constant in it's life. I feel for you. Do not feel alone though, speak to friends and family. You can absolutely do this without him

[QuiteLikely5]

The guy is full of dysfunction, being raised in care tells me he witnessed or was subjected to serious abuse. That alone would put me off.

His role models will have been very poor and his characteristics shaped by his early experiences.

This person will not change anytime soon, a child will heap more pressure on your relationship and you will then see how he copes under that strain, likely to be drugs/alcohol/a repeat of how he was parented.

You can love him as much as you want but there is no way you can change him.

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

I like the idea of making a list of what you need vs what he gives you. That will hopefully make it clear how little your getting from him and that you must leave him for you babys sake.

[RosieandJim89]

Leave. Walk away from him. He takes drugs, has no job (nor a desire to find one) and cares very little about you, the mother of his child. You will be much happier without him.